A characters fate

I'm back where I love to be the most.

I've got acting in my life again. I've got play writing. And what is so crazy is that I don't even know which one I enjoy the most; writing plays or acting them out.

I've got an unlimited imagination I REVEL in it!

I know what my next play is going to feature. Soldiers. Girls of course. Girl soldiers. Man, I love writing girls. Agressive girls, normbreaking girls. Those are my favourites. Haha, autobiographic much? Damn it.

In my earliest plans I figured the one soldier was going to kill the other one because of treachery, but now I juggle with the idea of having the traitor kill herself instead, and this would be on stage.

Killing someone on stage, having someone COMMIT SUICIDE on stage is a very tricky thing. A sensitive thing, and I'm not sure if the audience would even enjoy it. I would enjoy it, of course, but not everyone is like me.

I want to kill off one of the soldiers, but maybe I must listen to the soft side and have her run away instead. Fuuuuuu -

When I have that thing sorted out, later in the writing process and autumn, I will be back with an update. Will she die or survive?

Hell, I don't know.

I saw her again

Yesterday I saw one old friend from the gymnasium. The upper secondary school times.

We crossed the street, we were walking to opposite directions and we said hello with a really happy tone to each others.

I meant my happy tone. Because out of all the selfish, hollow assholes that pretended to care about me she was the best one. I don't think she actually disliked me, not really, but she was being controlled by others and if the others didn't want me there she had to obey.

I felt really, truly empty when seeing her. Not angry. Just empty.

I've so many years dealt all by myself the "trauma" that final fucking year of upper secondary school gave me, all the negative emotions and anger and just pure fury I stored in myself that it's all empty now. Not even my fiancé knows. I've confined like two friends very, very briefly upon this, but never in detail.

I wonder what she thinks of me. Does she have bad conscience at all? Does she regret anything? Is she happy with her life at the moment?

Those are things I wonder. And things I'd never ever dare to ask.

I saw her last probably three years ago.

I think it'll be another three years before I spot her again.

I don't miss her. But god. I miss the life I could've had.

The third language

.... is English!

This summer I've been completely drenched in English. I've read so much in English this summer that it's almost ridiculous.

So many fanfictions, all in English (and I will fight you if you tell me it's not literature, because it is!)

The published book I currently read is also in English.

My internet world is mostly in English.

I write here in English.

I'm currently writing a short story (*cough cough fanfic cough cough*) in English, and as of now it's about 6000 words long and my goal is to make it 15000 words long.

So yeah, I'm an user of this language.

I remember as a child, when we learned English the first time at the age of 10, and we studied the "ing-form" (as in writing, drawing etc) and I'm staring at the chalkboard wondering where have I learned this before because I know this and that's from videogrames we played as kids and you were learning English before even realizing it.

I was one of the best English speakers in my classes, and that wasn't because my grammar and stuff was better than anyone else's, but because I spoke. I had the courage to speak this language, and because of me not being scared of performing in the class, I did quite funny presentations too. It boosted my selfconfidence and it was a free ticket to good scores.

In gymnasiet I found a friend who was better at English than I was, and after accepting that I couldn't be the best one, it was okay. I attended a course in England and learned to talk way better English and I got the British accent from that trip.

I'm just basically happy that I feel so secure using English, even if I make shitty mistakes every now and then.

Violence

This week I was a substitute teacher in a elementary school. Well, it should've gone alright if we omit the fact that three kids broke out in a physical fight.

And my first initial reaction would be to respons with violence to end the fight. Just in time my sanity got the better of me and convinced me to talk to the kid who was hitting the other one instead of doing what my first reaction was.

If I was to follow my guts I'd grab the kid by the arm, squeeze as hard as I can, and twist his arm. But you can't do that to a child. You can't use violence on a child. And you can definitely not use violence on a child you're supposed to be the teacher to.

But deep inside I know, that if this was to happen while I was not a public teacher, but while I was a drama teacher, I wouldn't hold back.

I know that I'd use violence on a child in the surroundings of a drama lesson. And yes, the taste of this is very bitter on my toungue.

I've used violence once on a child during the drama lessons, but it was not on stage, and no one saw it. She wasn't hurt, maybe just a little scared. But I don't really regret it either, she provoced me. But I know that it was wrong of me.

Me being prone to violence is one of my biggest flaws. The older I've become the more hidden this flaw has become, but I've heard from my friends and my fiancé during different occassions that "I'm so violent, stop". It hurts me every time someone comments it, because I am aware of it, but it's hard to stop in time.

But considering where I was when I was 13 and an incredibly violent child, I've come a long way. I'm trying. And I considering the fact that I could stop in time, and not use violence on this child, a win.

Someday I will be free of my initial reaction to use violence. One day, I will be free.

Caring about what others think of you

Heyy you know this monkey brain thing, where we get anxious if we feel like we aren't following the pack's sense and we believe we're being alianated if we don't follow the stream?

Yes, that was up-to-date when we actually lived in packs and when you would literally starve to death and die if the pack abandoned you. But evolution hasn't caught up yet, and our brains are still telling us to follow the stream or, we will be abandoned, and die.

I can't advertise myself as someone who followed the stream, or the mass, in that many social ways when I grew up. I know many teenage girls (and women) battle with the anxiety that "breaking the norm" in any way delivers, and this is typically even more intense when you're a teenager. My brain has also been really bad at telling me to follow the norm, and I've, in many ways, wanted to break the norm. And I have done so, for the majority of my teenage years and even now, as an adult.

Anything from special interests to fashion to whatever.

And guess what? My brain is becoming even more shitty at telling me to care about what other people think.

I don't care what other people think of me.

This insight has grown over the past few years. I have barely any barriers left for what I post on Snapchat, for all the people following me to see. I just post, without thinking that the 14 people watching my stories might think I'm crazy. I just don't care if they think that. As long as my students nor my mum don't have access to my Snapchat I post almost anything there.

My barriers regarding Instragram has also lowered during the past year. I don't feel like keeping up any illusions. I don't care if people don't like me being personal or honest or just silly on my Instagram. I just... post shit.

Holy shit, I can see myself turning into my own mum. My mum doesn't get embarrassed by anything. Anything! I once asked her if she's never worried what others might think of her, and she laughed and said: You know what? I stopped caring what others think long time ago. They might think I'm wierd, but that's their loss. I don't care.

Have I been raised just to not give a shit, or is this just... a genetical thing where your brain doesn't feel like following the norm? (I'd probably die in the stone age from being abandoned by my pack lol).

Probably both.

And if I ever get to be a mother, I'll do my damn best to raise my own children to not care about others opinion on them. The older I get the more I respect my own mum and how she's raised me to have a really good self esteem.

More "Get to know me-tags" because I'm bored and have no imagination

1. Where did you grow up?

In a semismall place, with many neighbours, and then we moved when I was 11 years old to a big house but less neighbours. So I was quite lonely at our new house.

2. Where do you currently live?

In Helsinki, the capital of Finland.

3. Who is your first best friend?

Someone I'm still friends with? That'd be E. But V was my first true bestie, and that friendship went all down the drain.

4. How tall are you?

155cm

5.Dogs or Cats?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE 

6. Funniest moment throughout high school?

I take this as secondary school, age 13-15, and I don't have many "funny" memories from this time, but maybe when my flirting with a boy was not successful and I hurt him by accident. THAT was pretty funny.

7. What year were you born?

1995

8. Are you in/have you gone to college?

University

9. What is your favorite drink?

White Russian is a go for me, but also those ice cream drinks that's barely alcohole and mostly just soft ice yum

10. What is your spirit animal and why?

I would like to say wolf, but maybe it's a horse. An animal with prestige.

11. You’re wearing perfume, what scent is it?

CONFESSION. I have never ever worn perfume. I think it's unneccessary and expensive and uugh

12. Tea or Coffee?

Why not have BOTH??

13. What are your life goals?

To be happy. To be happy, goddamnit, I don't ask for more. Also, steady income would be great. Me accomplishing in the fields I want would be a dream. But happiness above all.

14. What sports do you play or have you played?

Have done: Floorball, badminton and ice skating. Still do: horseback riding

15. Have any books you read changed your life?

Change my life is maybe an exaggaration, but HP-series is a good one. Vingklippt ängel is another one. And the biggest physical reaction from the fanfic "in dreams you follow (but i dream in the dark)"

16. What is your favorite movie?

Can't choose one, but Your Name is in the top three.

17. Who are your favorite YouTubers?

I'm quite bad with keeping up with Youtubers and watching their videos. Katrin Berndt is the one I would recommend.

18. Do you speak any languages and how well?

Swedish, Finnish, English. Fluent.

19. Are you single or taken?

Taken.

20. What is your idea of your dream date?

Eat together and then fangirl (or well, fanboy) over certain series of course.

21. How long was your longest relationship?

4,5 years and counting.

22. How would you describe your fashion sense?

Alternative, never use jeans, black but also colours.

23. What is your go-to hairstyle?

A ponytail??

24. How many siblings do you have?

A brother

25. What is your go-to fast food order?

A burger? Okay, my guilty pleasure is the Triple Cheese burger tho!

26. Do you use PC or a Mac?

PC!!!!! 

27. Your most memorable vacation memory?

I have many many of those! But I may tell one from my childhood; me taking my toys with me on a little floater boat with my cousin and we play in the boat in the ocean outside a small island in the archipelago. The toys were the pegasus from Hercules, a killer whale and dogs. Man, we had fun!

28. What are your morning, evening routines?

Mornings: wake up, go to the computer, make coffee and breakfast, eat as I'm on the computer. If I'm in a hurry no computer.

Evenings: Computer, and then hug with fiancé and then sleep.

29. Do you have any bad habits?

Heh many. But maybe my addiction to my computer could be considered a bad habit?

30. Tell us one thing about you that we wouldn’t know?

My sexual awakening as a six year old innocent child was that of me watching Digimon, and seeing an humanoid dragon-thingy, and I fell in love with it. The humanoid dragon! Flamedramon is his name, look him up. I fall, even to this day, in love with fictional boys every now and then. My fiancé thinks it's cute..

Some work related stuff

You know what? I've been so damned spoiled when it comes to actual jobs and work. Like work to earn money.

So spoiled my old friend (not friend anymore) got envious of me. And it's not like I can't deny that I'm lucky.

I had my first summer job when I was 15, and it was my mum who got that work for me. I just did it.

When I was 17 I had a job at a radio broadcaster, and I was lucky as hell to get it. There where, what, over 1000 applications, and they chose me. ME! This is what got my old friend angry at me.

My dad asked me to do drama lessons for kids and he made sure the employer employd me. This gave me the first seat when the drama school searched for an employee to assist the drama lessons, and I was chosen. Heh, I remember one kid who asked why her big sister didn't get the job instead of me. I remember that I was flustered, and my boss just said: "She has more experience than your big sister". Ooof.

Destiny got me on-off work at TV for a year. That was so random. But very, very fun.

All this drama teacher stuff made me hot on the teacher market too. Headmasters love teachers with drama experience, I tell you. And I got the job as a teacher when I was 22 (!!), and I hadn't even finished university yet! Even if I got fired from my drama job, it didn't quite matter. I had something else now.

I do now work half time at a small restaurant, and while the job itself isn't fancy, I've been spoiled by my employer. Like I get to do my own stuff, like reading while getting paid. My employer always ask if I have something fun to do if there's not that many costumers when I arrive. She spoils me.

So. What does the future have in store for me? Where will I work a few years from now on? Hell do I know, but it'll probably be a fun ride.