Life arguments, panic and tears, no more.

I remember when me and my ex once got into a fight through text messages. Because it was an distance relationship so text messages was one of the only way of communicating. This was 2012, and I did not have a smartphone back then so texting and the facebook skype was our way to go.

I got horrible anxiety from the fight, felt a big black clod in my chest, I didn't want to breathe and it really felt like the world was falling on me. I was so scared he would breake up with me.

And he did. The next day he called and said it couldn't go on. That fight was one of the only fights we had, but he said him breaking up was not related at all to the fight.

I cried. A lot. It felt so bad, having your heart broken over a phone call. But what could he do. And what could I do? Kill myself. No. Live on. Yes.

It took some time, but I got over him.
                                                    ~~~~~~


Today I managed to hurt my boyfriend over a whatsapp-message. It was a unintended joke that hurt him, and I couldn't answer because my phone died.

But somehow, while I couldn't reply I knew in my heart that everything will be okay. He won't break up with me over this text message. He won't be mad at me for long.

I apologized like a grown up should apologize when my phone revived and we moved on from that.

It wasn't a big deal at all.

Would 17-year old me think that everything would be okay? Of course not. She would cry and panic. He must break up with me because he got hurt. Or we got into an argument. I must have an affirmation that he loves me. Why would someone love me if I just hurt them???


But it is a part of life! Having arguments and unintentionally hurt someone, that happens, to boyfriends, to anyone!

I can't blame myself anymore.

It wasn't a big deal at all.


And luckily I have grown so much to realise that!

This might be a metal blog, im sorry not sorry

Yeah, another metal post, just because I'm so invested in it teehee

Nightwish

Nightwish

Mother fkcing Nightwish

I still can't grasp how much one can love a band? Like, it's been soon eleven years since I started to listen to them, and seven years since I became a huge fan. And stiiiill!

Anyways, next topic

I'm moving! Or not yet, but in January! Instagram-followers, prepare to see cactuses and books,


prepare to wake up to sunlight shining through curtains besides he whom I love,
and prepare for tea-posts at our dinner table

and so much more

goddamnit exitement
and also Nightwish

Annoying metal fans

There is one thing I cannot stand when it comes to metal fans, and that are those fans who claim they know what true metal is

and eeeverything that is outside their little box of Iron Maiden and Metallica (and possibly Anthrax among others) isn't metal

Like holy shit have you ever heard of sub genres? And besides, Iron Maiden and Metallica are the most known metal bands on the whole planet and if you define a whole genre by the most mainstream bands there are, you might want to take a chill pill

I read a whole argument wether Battle Beast are metal or not ("just because they sound just like metal bands from the 80s did sound like they are not metal. not at all." morons)

and don't get me started on Amaranthe, they are at least not indie music right? They are metal just like any other band, but they have another sound and they are part of a sub genre within metal.

I just can't stand those narrow minded "fans" that shut out any other metal band that isn't Iron Maiden or Metallica

Who are you?

Are there people out there that care about what I have to shitpost? And no, I do not mean the people I know in real life, my friends.

I mean the people who read this blog; you.

Very few of my friends know that I have this shitty blog, I am safe to say that two know this blog exist, but they don't know what I post. And sometimes I regret what I post here, as at the beginning of 2015 I had some very angsty posts here. One of them is deleted, as I got more anxiety from reading what horrid words I wrote down. And some people still suggest you should write down your thoughts, hah, what a joke.

But back to the subject. I can see how many people see each post and from what countries their are (I think most persons who find this blog comes from USA, Germany and Russia, some from Finland and Sweden) but I don't know if it is the same persons or just new random death-scrollers?

Is there anyone who follows this blog? Like, who is genuily interested in my shitposting? I can't see why, but it would sure be interesting to see if someone appreciates this

I have walked barefoot on broken feet

WHAT WAS YOUR: 
1. last beverage: Milk :3
2. last phone call: Cant remember, maybe my grandmother or dad? :D
3. last text message: From Sami :)
4. last song you listened to: Curse my Name by Blind Guardian
5. last time you cried: When I went to a fb page where people posted pictures of their dead loved ones and some wrote why their children/parents died and it was so sad I cried D:


HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. dated someone twice = no
7. been cheated on = no, i'm quite sure
8. kissed someone & regretted it = well, depends, one of my one night stands was such a waste 
9. lost someone special = A friend who died in a moped accident, we weren't even that close but her death hit me hard
10. been depressed = nah, dark times with some sort of self harm, but i can't call it depression no. 
11. been drunk and threw up = haha yes, happened a few times


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 
12. Black
13. Pink
14. Blue


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2015) 
15. Made a new friend?: MANYYYY
16. Fallen out of love?: no
17. Laughed until you cried?: Aaahyeah :D
18. Met someone who changed you?: well, depend on what you mean by change? I don't think so
19. Found out who your true friends were?: knew that last year already
20. Found out someone was talking about you?: no
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list ?: yeah :D


GENERAL: 
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life: most of them, yeah
24. Do you have any pets?: dog, cat, bunny and horse :)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: had a lotr-marathon :D
27. What time did you wake up today: 08.35
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Scrolling the phone 
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: NIGHTWISH IN NOVEMEBER HOLY YES
30. Last time you saw your Mother: today
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: nothing i can think of right now
32. What are you listening to right now: Curse my name by Blind Guardian :D
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My maternal grandfather's name's Tom :D
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: that I have to make the choice of which of the children get's the main character in the play in november and the one who doesn't get it will get sad
35. Most visited web page: tumblr
36. Who is sitting beside you right now?: My cat was here but she ran away D:
37. Nicknames: Becca and Bex
38. Relationship Status: Taken
39. Zodiac Sign: Libra
40. He or She?: She 
41. Elementary?: A school where it was almost impossible to get the best grade, but it was a nice school though
42. Middle School?: *secondary school. The school where I found friends and foes, where I once threw a piece of scrumbled paper in the eye of a boy I had a crush on because I wanted his attention :DD
43. High School?: *upper secondary school. A school where I found out what people I wanted to hang with, where I decided what I wanted to do when older and where I learned how to study.
44. Hair Color?: Orange-blonde
45. Long or Short?: Semi long 
46. Height?: 155 cm
47.Do you have a crush on someone?: I am in love, that's more than a crush
48: What do you like about yourself?: Sometimes my personality, but I like my nose
49. Piercings?: Ears.
50. Tattoos?: Not yet (i think)
51. Righty or lefty?: Right handed :)
52. First surgery = Haven't been on a surgery
53. First piercing = EARS??
54. First best friend = Marie.
55. First sport you joined = athletics, then figure skating and then horse back riding


RIGHT NOW: 
59. Eating - nothing
60. Drinking - nothing
61. I'm about to; Go and watch Broadcurch bc I hate studying
62. Listening to; 21 Guns - Broadway live
63. Waiting for; To go downstairs
64. Want kids?; Yes.
65. Get Married?; Yes.
66. Career?: Student, and what we call "dragare" in my language as a part time job


WHICH IS BETTER: 
67. Lips or eyes? = Both :)
68. Hugs or kisses = Kisses with hugs
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
70. Older or Younger = Doesn't matter to me
71. Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous, just like my man :)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = I have to go with stomach
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship 
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = both goes


HAVE YOU EVER: 
76. Kissed a stranger = Yes
77. Drank hard liquor = Also yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No
79. Sex on first date = No
80. Broken someone's heart = I don't think so
81. Had your own heart broken = Yeah, like five times it's so funny
83. Turned someone down = Yeah
84. Cried when someone died = of course, i'm not a heartless monster what do you think of me?
85. Fallen for a friend = No


DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself = Almost always
87. Miracles = Not really 
88. Love at first sight = Interest and a hope of love, maybe
89. Heaven = no
90. Santa Claus = good one :D
91. Kiss on the first date =  What actually is it to believe in? That you will fall in love? 
92. Angels = no


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
93. Had more than one bf/gf?; Not at the same time of course
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now?; My boyfriend so baaadlyyy
95. Did you sing today?; Yeah a lil bit :)
96. Ever cheated on somebody?; Never
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why?; To world war II
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?; 2014? When I was out with my friends and we danced until the sun rose and I walked barefoot in Helsinki on destroyed feet
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?; It's always a risk, but scared? No
100. Posting this as 100 truths?; Yeah???

The ghost of Girls and backpain

I went with the most precious young man I know to the cinema, and we watched "When Marnie was there", the newest Ghibli movie.

I was blown away by the movie, it was so beautiful and hauting. I highly recommend the movie to anyone who doesn't hate animated movies.

Aaaand I am quite sick, not like "i've got flu cough cough" but more like "i've been twice to the hospital and am on strong painkillers because apparently i've got arthritis in my back" :DDDD

List of Happiness

As I once mentioned, I like video games a whole lot. Me and my boyfriend finished Alice: Madness returns, and let me tell you, I am so happy yet sad that I got through that game.
We are also currently playing Skyward Swords (Legend of Zelda) and we started on Amnesia the other day, so we have a bunch to do :)

BUT THE THING IS WE FOUND OCARINA OF TIME AT HIS PLACE LIKE HOLY FUDGE??? I thought that was a game I'd never get around to play and then he randomly finds it? :D

Another thing to smile at in these dark days. I should do a list of things that makes me happy

• I've got a job I love
• I have the full support to move out
• I get to play games I've always wanted to play
• My horse is getting better every day
• She was also very cute today
• Even if I'm sick I know I am sick because I spend two nights at my boyfriend's, taking care of him while he was sick, and that makes this sickness worth it
• I finally have the medication I need
• I know I'll get though this stressful time