Failure

Two days ago I gave up on this one project. I just couldn't do it, I cried for an hour and told them I quit.

Today one of my friends there messaged me and told me he was dissapointed in me.

Dissapointed.
DISSAFUCKINGPOINTED!

And now... I guess I will never get rid of that. It's like a fucking leech on my shoulder, always there, telling me how fucking bad I am at keeping myself together.


Failure.

Hopefully I'll get help to manage this project. Oh well

This evening was not a good evening. Spend time crying and thinking about how "hated" I am in one of the communities I in. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I'm still part of this community and partly it is because I WANT to love this community.

Because everyone else loves it. People find their best friends, love and a meaningful time from there. People put down lots of time making this community a good place for as many of us as possible.

I find only anxiety and a feeling of being disliked.

And I KNOW they don't hate me. Not really. But the feeling, that fucking feeling of being hated and not being able to be someone they'd like is tearing me apart.

I try not to go there too often bc of this reason. There's only one friend who I trust in that place. Unlike everyone fucking else he wouldn't leave me.

But it's so hard.

So fucking hard.

It was just a dream

I dreamt last night that something weird was happening to me. I lost control.

I hold a knife in my hand and all of sudden I notice cut marks on my arm. They're old and the scars have risen and are all whited out. It looks... nasty.

It's like my mind is trying to tell me something and I cannot figure out what it is.

Feeling vs not feeling

I have thought a lot about one thing, and that is the difference between me when I was 13-15 and 16-18.

13-15 I felt a lot. Too much I'd say. Yes I felt rage and anger and sorrow and the feeling of being hated

but

also the feeling of happiness and the feeling of being in the right place right time, the feeling of having someone who likes you and I remember loving

and even if the latter one was more rarely it was still there. Secondary school wasn't throughout shit, I was the one who was made of shit. My brain and I.

16-18 I don't remember much. ¨

I hate not remebering a shit from upper secondary school. I remember mostly the bad stuff from that time period and now thinking about it, it feels like I solely remember the bad stuff.

The feeling of not having friends who likes you. The feeling of being at the wrong place the wrong time.

I can't remember being happy in upper secondary school. Yes, outside of school, I had hobbies I loved and I guess that was what saved me from going insane, but inside the school I can't remember feeling something.

I hate that it turned out that way.

Some good music

As the song progress, so does my (or well everyones?) feelings. Like this instumental piece of music make me feel something. I can't put a finger on it, not yet, though I've listened to this song for a year maybe.

About self harm

I am currently reading a study about self harming, the whole "culture" around it and so forth and yes I am triggered by it and no I have not cut myself even if I think about it sometimes.

But it feels like I have missed something, like, when I felt like the worst piece of shit ever I should've cut so much that I would've needed help, so I now can say "I was there and now I am strong enough to not to".

And I know feelings like these are wrong and stupid and if anyone got to know abt them I'd get so scared. Scared they'd label me as one of them.

THEM.

When I'm not angry

Somehow I have labeled this blog as something where I write everytime I am angry. Or when I'm feeling depressed. If we back a few years to the days when I wrote mostly in Swedish I also wrote about happy things, like funny things.

And then, about 1,5 years ago that changed, when my mental health kind of went crazy. Thinking back to those times scare me a bit, because I was suicidal at that point. Which makes no sense, because I was happy most of the time, but then, creeping from some very dark corner appeard the angry thoughts. And when I become angry, I become SO angry. It takes willpower to not destroy things, it DEMANDS willpower to not hit someone something. But nowadays I've manage  to control those angry thoughts.

And honestly, I AM angry at myself for becoming such. I used to be angry and sad when I was young, and then as I grew older it changed into anxiety and panic attacks. Now, I think it's over six months since I had the last panic attack, and two years since I cut myself on purpose with something sharp (which the last time was glass).

Now I don't get panic attacks anymore, but the anger comes back??? Please, do not make me an angry person again.

Oh, fuck I don't know what I wanted to say.

What I wanted to say was that, for example now, when I am not angry or depressed, and I want to write, what do I write about? I feel that this blog cannot be used in that sense anymore, it is already poisoned by angry thoughts.