Pouring a life into the internet

The last few weeks I noticed that being on tumblr (a website similar to any social media, but for a very weird reason social outcasts seem to gather there. It's used as a platform for ranting, fashion, artwork, FANDOMS, and nice feeds) has become boring.

There was always the same like four people out of the group of 40 I follow that posted anything like ever. So I went and checked upon the list of people I follow

and I felt a big black clod in my chest. Kinda the anxiety you get when you realize things are not the way they used to be, or the way you remember it.

Out of a group of 40 waay over half of them hadn't uploaded any content in over a YEAR. Why hadn't I realized that? That they were gone from the website?

And the worst part was that I don't even remember the feeling of seeing their content on my dashboard anymore. I don't remember who they are or were.

And here I am, feeling stuck in some kind of forever wishing 2013 would repeat itself because then, back then being on tumblr was similar to being alive, everyone was active and shared stuff and we all hyped the same fandoms and aaarghh it was so FUN!

That's five years ago. FIVE. I turned eighteen five years ago. I was in love with a guy who saw nothing but a friend in me, and I had no true friends in my own school, and that was maybe the reason why tumblr was so fun. Because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin (or with my own person I guess) and having this platform, this escape from the real world was something I so badly needed.

Now I could say the situation is different, I have true friends, a fiancé (!!!) a future, and I spend most of my time outside of the escape. Maybe that is why it's more boring to log in on tumblr?

Would I truly want 2013 to repeat itself? No. It was such a draining year and yes, I BELIEVED 2013 was a good year. Because everything had been shit, and thinking back, 2013 was shit as well.

I don't wish to anyone that they'd feel so lost and hated in real life that they'd rather pour their life into the internet, because you will always find people like you on the internet.

Failure

Two days ago I gave up on this one project. I just couldn't do it, I cried for an hour and told them I quit.

Today one of my friends there messaged me and told me he was dissapointed in me.

Dissapointed.
DISSAFUCKINGPOINTED!

And now... I guess I will never get rid of that. It's like a fucking leech on my shoulder, always there, telling me how fucking bad I am at keeping myself together.


Failure.

Hopefully I'll get help to manage this project. Oh well

This evening was not a good evening. Spend time crying and thinking about how "hated" I am in one of the communities I in. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I'm still part of this community and partly it is because I WANT to love this community.

Because everyone else loves it. People find their best friends, love and a meaningful time from there. People put down lots of time making this community a good place for as many of us as possible.

I find only anxiety and a feeling of being disliked.

And I KNOW they don't hate me. Not really. But the feeling, that fucking feeling of being hated and not being able to be someone they'd like is tearing me apart.

I try not to go there too often bc of this reason. There's only one friend who I trust in that place. Unlike everyone fucking else he wouldn't leave me.

But it's so hard.

So fucking hard.

It was just a dream

I dreamt last night that something weird was happening to me. I lost control.

I hold a knife in my hand and all of sudden I notice cut marks on my arm. They're old and the scars have risen and are all whited out. It looks... nasty.

It's like my mind is trying to tell me something and I cannot figure out what it is.

Feeling vs not feeling

I have thought a lot about one thing, and that is the difference between me when I was 13-15 and 16-18.

13-15 I felt a lot. Too much I'd say. Yes I felt rage and anger and sorrow and the feeling of being hated

but

also the feeling of happiness and the feeling of being in the right place right time, the feeling of having someone who likes you and I remember loving

and even if the latter one was more rarely it was still there. Secondary school wasn't throughout shit, I was the one who was made of shit. My brain and I.

16-18 I don't remember much. ¨

I hate not remebering a shit from upper secondary school. I remember mostly the bad stuff from that time period and now thinking about it, it feels like I solely remember the bad stuff.

The feeling of not having friends who likes you. The feeling of being at the wrong place the wrong time.

I can't remember being happy in upper secondary school. Yes, outside of school, I had hobbies I loved and I guess that was what saved me from going insane, but inside the school I can't remember feeling something.

I hate that it turned out that way.

Some good music

As the song progress, so does my (or well everyones?) feelings. Like this instumental piece of music make me feel something. I can't put a finger on it, not yet, though I've listened to this song for a year maybe.

About self harm

I am currently reading a study about self harming, the whole "culture" around it and so forth and yes I am triggered by it and no I have not cut myself even if I think about it sometimes.

But it feels like I have missed something, like, when I felt like the worst piece of shit ever I should've cut so much that I would've needed help, so I now can say "I was there and now I am strong enough to not to".

And I know feelings like these are wrong and stupid and if anyone got to know abt them I'd get so scared. Scared they'd label me as one of them.

THEM.