is there a limit on how much one can hate oneself?
i want to vomit

ashamed

I always get so ashamed when I say something that is percieved as something cruel. That my parents think I actually am a heartless monster because I say stupid stuff and that I actually think a certain way about people.

I.do.not.always.mean.what.I.say

I use dark humour. It makes myself feel clever, but people who don't understand my dark sense of humour always get sad and angry and I hate that I can't communicate with people without making me seem like a total asshole.

I am not an asshole.
Maybe a tiny asshole, but I always mean good,

I know that there are children who think I am scary because I'm a difficult person to grasp. Sometimes I get flattered when I hear: You are scary. It's fun to know I am not a gray person no one will remember, everyone will remember that girl.

But I want my legacy to be something worth smiling for.

One day, I will save my own life, have such a control over it I can be proud and not so damn ashamed of what I say about people and to other people.

Me out.

I wish to the rain my life won't be wasted

(yes i do have a tumblr on which i during the beginning of its existence did use it as a personal blog and wrote all kinds of embarrassing stuff onto it)

But I found a picture of me from 2012 on it



Have you even seen a picture of me? I am going on seventeen there, eating at a fancy café. It looks like I have a scar on my cheek but I assure it's just the light.

I thought I was old and cool. Not knowing how much there was to break inside of me, or how much I could grow as a human and get strong. Because 2012 was a mtherfckng rollercoaster trip I shit you not.

I always said 2012 was the best year of my life, yes, I was in love, I was on an adventure, but my heart also got broken and in the end it was only year seventeen year old me could call the best. 2013 was even worse, I'd say it was the worst year. Yes, I met new friends but some parts of me were cracked during that year. 2014 was okay, it was nice and all. But now, I am happy. 2015.

This is going to be my year. I swear to the rain.

I am going to feel like the world is a head of me now.

Scorpions and spiders

Today I went to Messukeskus with my boyfriend. Messukeskus means Fair Centre, and thus we went to a fair (there were actually six fairs but who tf cares).

We saw frogs and spiders. Trarantulas and stuff. They were so cool, and I started to wonder what I'd get most frightend from, seeing a spider, a snake, a scorpion or a frog.

The list looks like this:

1. SpiderIf they´re hairy and nasty, I'd get so scared of them. I would most likely loose my ability to scream, I'd just back away and squake like something very high pitched. This would only apply to hairy and scary looking spiders though.
2. Scorpion
   Most likely because there aren't many of them. Are they even aggressive? I can't see a scorpion being something that chases a human (neither would a spider, but they're freakish looking, okay?) But I know they're dangerous, so I'm happy I live in a place they would freeze to death in.
3. Snake
   I'm not scared of snakes. If you don't step on them they won't attack. They're cute, I could even have them as a pet.
4. Frogs
   Because you won't die from a frog unless you lick it! They're just beautiful small christmas trees of the jungle :D

Angsty, poetic thoughts of stress

There is this thing called stress. I know, everyone knows.
Stress can eat you alive. Carve out every centimetre of flesh out of your stomach, leaving a gaping hole where your belly once was.

There is this stress that's good.

And there's the bad one too.

The bad one can last for days, weeks, a year maybe. Then your hair starts to fall off, your nails rip easily, you loose weight and have nightmares.
It can also last for a couple of seconds.

But wait, isn't that called anxiety??
I always hated the word "anxiety". Reminded me of social anxiety, which I don't have, and it felt like if I told anyone I have "anxiety" people would assume I have social anxiety. I DON'T.

My stress makes my nerves go bananas (haha funny word). I ususally want to cry, But then, oh wait, it's over ten seconds later.

Was it then anxiety? Think of all the suicidal children, think of them. You have it so much more easier than them.

Don't cry because you failed, smile because you tried.

That's not how it went, was it?

Your music talked to my soul

True happiness is when you get to listen to a new song your absolut favourite band, the one I could say "saved my life" back in the angsty days, has released.

This band will always be my savour.
Symphonic metal is a blessing to my life.

Madness is a Place

Well as this is probably the only day in forever and ever I will ever have time and inspiration to do TWO posts in a day (hehe as if this blog ever was of priority in my life).
And the reason I'm writing this in English is because I noticed that lots of people from other countries than Finland find this blog (which is no suprise since my blogname is an English phrase) and then I just scare them away with my non-englishness.

Dunno if I'm ever going to blog for real in English, but this is just for fun and I'm bored.

I started to think of how much the world (everything) of Alice in Wonderland has shaped me into the one I am. I don't mean that AiW is or was the biggest thing in my life, but always, always when I've seen gifs, pictures, anything connected to AiW, I've felt like coming home.

It started when I was 9, and the theatre association I had joined the year before put up Alice in Wonderland as show. Of all the people there, of all the 13-20+ years old there, I, who was NINE at that point, got the part as the Red Queen.

I loved playing the Red Queen, getting to shout and all (I'm loud okay?) and ever since then, Wonderland has been a home to me. It welcomes me back, always. But what is it that really haunts me from this universe?

I'd say it's the gore. You may wonder which gore I'm talking about, and I'll answer you Madness Returns.

Madness Returns is a game that touches Alice, 19 years old, who suffers several mental diseases after her family got roasted alive while their house burned down. Only Alice herself survived. Now, as an almost grownup she has horrible hallucinations and gets to Wonderland where everything is horror and gore.

Best game ever made.

I even created a small play about it when I still was in the theatre school. It was pretty horrible, where I acted as Alice and my friend as Dr. Bumby and one was the Mad Hatter and another one was Nanny, The story was kindof copied from the game, but not entirely. Well, I think it actually was pretty cool, but as usual everyone else was freaked out and apparently my wrist snapped loudly when my friend grabbed me by it, and the teacher said it was scary (which she used to say about anything I created).

But I can't help but feeling welcomed to that mad place. Somewhere gore. It's so hard to explain but sometimes there is this one place you want to belong to, wether it is New York och Middle Earth. And Wonderland is kind of my place.

A place I can never visit.