Achievement anxiety (long post)

Sorry, you'll have to wait for more acting rambles, because there's more urgent matters to discuss.

I've heard about achievement anxiety so much that my ears soon fall off. I get annoyed and triggered by reading about other peoeple's experiences with achievement anxiety. Because I have a hard time understanding it.

I'm aware I will sound like a moron in this text, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I just have to get this off my chest because none of my friends want to listen me talk about this.

Let's devide achievement anxiety into different parts.

1. Achievements in school.

The article I read about achievement anxiety today focused a lot on grades in school. I've always been good at school, ever since I was a child. When I was 15, my avarege score was 9,3 out of 10. Real subjects were my skill, and I rarely read at tests. Got 10s anyway.

The secret? Being a skillful writer. Because I'm a really skilled writer (a skill I've perfected since I was six, so this wasn't any cheap accomplishment) I could write anything in a test and get a good grade because the teachers were flattered by my answers. Simple. And the biggest secret? I listened in school. I had no smart phone or any distractions. I listened and learned right away.

I had no need to stress, and centaintly no need to study for hours for a test. Because I guess I had such a good self esteem.

When I fucked up I cried ofc. I've cried over failed tests when I was younger, but even those failures didn't make me obsessed. I realized all by myself that achievements in life didn't come from me getting the bests scores or me studying until my head was all fuzzy, and it didn't make me more popular or anything, I didn't need to get the best score, and I am so fucking happy I never had that need!!! I'm so fucking happy I've never had achievements pressures in school!

I don't feel the need to achieve an imaginary amazement from somebody. This blog is a quite good example. I never read through that I write here. There are tons of spelling mistakes, and other shitty mistakes, but I don't care. I let you read the true me, the me not remembering how to spell English words, the messy me too lazy to put apostophes where they're needed.

2. Achievements in appearance.

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've very, very rarely thought I was ugly. Ever since puberty, I've passed as beautiful. And that makes me privileged. But there are so many beautiful girls and women STILL not feeling good enough. WHY? Why haven't I ever felt not good enough? Why have I always felt good enough?

My secret? I don't know. Having good self esteem? Having boyfriends? Having no one tell me I'm fat or ugly ever?

I'm short. Like, so short people love to make a thing out of it. I'm soo tired of people using my lenght as an ice breaker. But I remember when I as a teen said to my mum that I hate being short, and she started to bash tall people. "If you're tall, you can't fit into buses, you hit your head etc etc". My mum basically forced good self esteem on me. I thank her.

3. Achievements in social activities

Fomo. Fear of missing out. Not familiar.

I've always known I can't fit in. I've known I'm a difficult person to become friends with. I've known the reasons for not getting invited. Ofc I've cried and been fucking broken over being totally screwed over by the ones I used to call friends. But I've known why they didn't like me. And I've chosen myself, always, over fitting into a norm with which you could potentially be invited into cool parties.

And as I got older my depression hated parties, so I was fucking delighted to not be invited anyways.

4. I don't fucking know anymore.

I've written on this text for two days now.

My original thought is lost. I can't remember what I wanted to prove with this text. Prove that there exist girls not having achievement anxiety because I find girls always being portraid as having good girl-syndromes. Prove that I'm fucking lucky to not have it, despite friends and strangers thinking I have a bad working morale for not breaking my back and mind over performing tasks.

When I worked on the magazine for the student organization did I the least one had to do. No matter how ugly it would've become, I wouldn't care. Why would I achieve and perform more than needed, when I was on the brink of suicide? And my friend was mad at us for not creating a better magazine. I was just happy it was over, and I was still alive.

Prove that one can have a good morale and still perform/work a suitable amount without having anxiety over it?

It seems so hard. Especially in my profession. Teachers in my field, mothertounge, are such perfectionists and they reek of good girl-syndrome. Even my lovely colleague. They want to invent the wheel over and over again with each lesson, they want to be a fucking Jesus to their students, they want to save everyone.

My friends at university said many times that the hardest thing in their working life will be the realization they can't save every one.

I don't know if I've saved anyone. I hope I have, but if I haven't, I wont be sad. But this doesn't mean I have low morale!

I don't want to burn out. I REFUSE TO BURN OUT. I perform what I have to. Sometimes I have wonderful Powerpoints, sometimes they're so ugly my eyes bleed. But I don't care. I REFUSE to put more than an hour time on a fucking Powerpoint. When grading essays I comment what I find important and necessary, not what the most perfect teacher would do.

I just don't want to experience the same agony I had when working on that magazine.

I REFUSE to be a good girl.