It's getting worse

It's getting worse. I am getting worse.

Now, I have lots and lots of things I am happy about in my life and I love and cherish a lot of stuff going on but it's like... I can't handle all of the things in my life.

I get so stressed even thinking about some stuff, I get anxiety and "crying attacks" whatever the fuck they're called.

My biggest fear is that, one day, I will develope something worse. Like what if this stress will cause a psychosis or schizofrenia. None of my relatives have had any bad mental illness ever so it's unlikely it's in my genes but I'm still afraid. That one day I will wake up at a mental insitution and wonder why I'm there and I realize it's june and months have passed since I remember anything and I get to know how I hurted myself and others in a psychosis.

I have no lust to harm myself, which is good. I'm just scared I will get suicidal again. Today I felt a little tingle, a voice in my head saying "you won't make it". I pushed it away, as I always do.

But the feeling of dying under this pressure I feel is following me today. Strangling me. Drowning me.

Acting usually helps. It always has helped, because in the state "of being someone else" I get to have a dialoge with myself (it sounds really weird I know) and it kind of confirms my feelings and I feel more secure.

I really really really really wish I won't get suicidal. I don't want to look outside the window and thinking about if I would die immediatly or if I would just break my body if I jumped.

Hurrr.

I don't want to write this stupid blog either. Because it also confirms that I'm not like everyone else. But right now it feels like the only way. I am so bad at talking about myself and what I truly feel to others. My mouth gets dry, my heart starts to race, I feel like crying/cry, I feel like a stranger in myself when even trying to opening about it. I simply can't. Three times have I done it, the first time at age 18 and then I broke down in the middle of school crying and crying and the second time I had to whisper it to even get it out and the third time I cried and cried.

Wish me good luck.