This thing with sexuality part 2

Okay okay okay maybe I'm able to tell you a story.

This story is about me and my two facedness towards myself.

So let's start when romance started to interest me. I crushed on boys both from television and irl or on male animals (like Kovu from Lion King 2). And these crushes still lie within me. I still "crush" on centrain boys from animated tv-shows even though I'm 23 now. Those crushes lie close to my heart.

I had boyfriends in secondary schools and crushed on boys. But this is the time my online life started, and the online social circles that I hanged around in were heavily lgbt+-based. The outcasts.

I'd say 80% of the peeps I met through internet belonged to some sort of sexual minority. That was the norm. To be "different".

And I... just rolled with it. I never said I belonged to a minority, but I never said I was straight either. But because being in a same sex relationship was the norm online and being in a straight relationship was the norm in real life, both of them became normal for me.

I still only fell in live with boys.

Many of my friends found out they liked the same sex, and a few of them were in same sex relationships. I think I had over ten friends that belonged to the lgbtq+ spectre. My mum asked me once if I'm also one of them. I said no, because I hadn't had feeling for a girl.

I fell in love with a girl when I was 18. It was very weird. I didn't recognize these feelings at all. It felt more like "Omg I really like this person, I want to be her friend really baaad, I want to hug her and hold her and kiss her - oh, I must really like her as a friend".

Yes, even if I had a burning desire to kiss her, I STILL though about her as a friend. Because I was so deeply programmed to only like boys. It felt wrong and right at the same time and I couldn't wrap my head around it.

She later came out to me as a member of a sexual minority. I, naivly, thought we had a chance now. But she had feelings for another one. And that's when I realized I had lost her and I never told her I liked her that way.

I had lost the chance. So I wrapped up my feelings and, now starting university, left her behind. I dated a lot of guys, and 6 months later found my future husband.

The following summer was the summer I finally realized that my feelings towards that girl had been romantic and sexual. Not friendly. It was weird, but in my heart I knew it had been true. I never ever told anyone about it. It felt as something I wanted to keep to myself.

But I secretly wish that we had tried it. I secretly wish that she and I had become a couple, only for a little while, that we'd have sex and everything, and then separate on good terms so that I'd still meet the love of my life and could continue my life with him. I would've wanted to have sex with another woman. But I guess that's one bucket list thing that's never gonna happen.

The chance to try it out came and left then, five years ago.