This thing with sexuality (this post is a mess) part 1

Part 1 because this is just me rambling. the next part will be more coherent i swear

Oh, well, my take on this with sexuality. I am a hypocrite to myself, where in front of others I'm this happy talking thing knowing a lot about sexualities and being the best straight ally there is, and I even write queer characters often, while my head is filled with war about the very same things I gladly talk about.

.... why is it so hard.....
... you're a fucking hypocrite, and a liar to yourself....

Growing up all of my crushes were on boys. It wasn't anything to think about, it was natural, the norm and everything spinned around the idea of finding your prince, getting married and so on.

I won the game. I am in a happy relationship with a man, and I love him and our relationship. We're getting married soon. We'll have children someday. I won the game, and I'm happy. So so happy.

Yet there is thing one thing that I've never ever spoken about to any living, breathing person. I've never written anything even hinting about it onto any social media, not even my tumblr. This is my most well hidden secret.

I'm not straight.

But I hate the terms bisexual and pansexual. To hell with it, I don't want to be labeled as a bisexual. Is it even possible to be called bi when you've only once been in love with a girl five years ago and twenty times in love with boys during a whole life time?

Admitting to myself that my feelings were sexual and romantic five years back has not been easy. In fact, it took me one year to realize what they had been. And now, though I accepted the fact and was cool with it a few years ago already, I'm bothered by it.

The next part will tell the story about how I... noticed I'm no heterosexual in more details. If I don't delete everything because I'm a liar to myself.