Get to know me a lil more

What makes you happy?

Knowing my routines, being with my fiancé and animals. Knowing there's nothing to worry about. Feeling safe in my own being, also lots of wine and a good friend. Ceasar salad makes me happy too tbh

What inspires you?

My own imagination, to be honest. 

What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever done?

Sleep in the trunk of a moving car? That's not too bizarre though. Maybe the doll-suicide show when I was 14 in front of the whole school is bizarre enough (the thing I wrote about in like S.R 4 or smth)

What are your dreams?

To not live with crippling anxiety, but other than that: have my plays featured on the biggest theatre's of my country, have a book published, be an inspiration to others etc

Are you in love with anyone?

My fiancé

Do you believe in yourself?

Yes, most of the time

Do you believe in aliens?

No

What were your favorite movies growing up?

Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron, Balto and Brother Bear. I'm a sucker for talking male animals ehehe.
But Balto has wonderful soundtracks and a really touching story and I loooved wolves so much bc of that movie. The setting of Brother Bear is amazing (I love the stone age) and Spirit was everything a 9-year old horsegirl would ever need. I need to rewatch these movies ASAP!

Also Peter Pan 2003 version. I dreamt 12 dreams of that movie that I remembered. I could watch that movie every week when I was like eleven. And I was in love with Peter Pan of that production. He was so handsome. And some scenes of it (that I've talked about in some of my posts) gave me orgasmic feelings for my brain.

What gives you anxiety?

I honestly don't know what triggers it. Me being worried I fuck up all the time, I guess? That I mess up this one time and won't ever be forgiven? Idk...

What are your favorite hobbies?

Acting, riding horses, be with my pony, writing, drawing, working out

Did you have imaginary friends when you were younger?

No, actually not that I remember of. 

Last thing you ate?

Salmon 

Who is your best friend?

Someone. I don't think she sees me as her best friend back, tho. I guess I'm no ones best friend.

Who is your favorite superhero?

I'm not into superheroes at all, but Spiderman

Favourite music? or Artist?

Nightwish and their singer Floor Jansen. Symphonic metal is my jam.

 If you could go on an adventure, where would you go and what would you do?

Scotland is high up on the list, also Japan. I would wander in the woods, testing out coffees on cafées, walk in cities until my legs hurt, I would go to castles and shrines and just admire nature. I would go see some islands too.

What was life like for you growing up?

I was misunderstood a lot in real life. Life online was wonderful, and pretty maniac. I was sometimes maniac, wild and too much, a feature few liked about me.

 Do you believe in ghosts?

No

How old are you?

In a two weeks 23yo. I do not feel old at all. I feel like I've not aged a day since 17. I guess I will start to feel old when I have a child on my own.

 Would you rather travel to the past or future?

Past. I would like to relive some days of my teenage years just to fuck with the people that fucked with me. Be more wild that I cannot ever be anymore. 

Have you pretended to be someone you weren’t?

Well... at times when I was 16, but I don't think I ever would be able to severe all links to the one I truly am to really pretend to be someone I'm not. On the acting side, all the time, but most of the characters I've done have a pretty strong link to me personally.

If you had to save the world, would you?

Why wouldn't I? I would execute the people wronging our planet and then erase climate change. 

 Favorite voice actor?

Voice actor! I have to say Steven Yeun because he plays one of my favourite characters at the moment.

Last song you listened to?

Africa by TOTO :D I have a life, yes.

Do you have a religion?

I belong to the church, but I'm actually raised to not believe in god, and to think badly of religion as a whole. Yeah, my mum has strong opinions about religion. So I don't. 

Do you want a family?

Yes.

Are you allergic to anything?

No. Lucky me.

What do you want to do today?

Heh, go to sleep! It's pretty late.

Most ironic thing that has ever happened to you?

The fact that I'm working right now. I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever take a break from studying to work full time because only people with motivation problems would do that, but here I am, working full time and my final year of uni starts next year :'D It's soo ironic that I'm embarrassed.

Favorite food?

Varies, but Ceasar Salad in never wrong. Aaah I love Ceasar Salad.

Do you believe in other dimensions and realities?

Noooo.

Favorite Videogame?

Witcher 3. Without a doubt. 

 If you could live in any cartoon, what cartoon and why?

I don't know. I say Digimon just so I've had a cute companion that can transform into a giant beast on command.

Chaos is my stability

Sometimes I stumble upon lists like "most satisfying things ever" and they usually consist of pictures of things that fit perfectly into certain spaces and shapes, or items that are perfectly colour coded and items that fit perfectly together in a coherent order. There are also the opposite lists, with things that "trigger your OCD", usually with pictures of pieces of asphalt with the wrong colours and other stupid things like that.

When looking at these lists, I realize I get uncomfortable of the lists with the "satisfying" things. They're... too sterile, too perfect, too non-living, too coherent!

And the more I think of it, the more I realize that chaos is my stability. I find security from aesthetical chaos around me. When I was 10 I got to choose new colours to my room. Different coloured walls was my demands, and thus, my walls were coloured blue and pink. If I'd get to choose as a 14-year old, I'd probably get black and neon pink striped walls.

Ever since I was ten, I've cluttered my walls with stuff. Posters, pictures, drawings, everything possible. I still, in my own home, clutter my walls. Luckily my fiancé is the same as me, he does also love having shit on the wall. Awesome.

I remember how my family looked for weeks for the perfect desk for me, as I wanted a desk with as many selves and boxes and that looked crazy. We finally found one and oh, how happy I was. The least minimalistic desk I've ever seen, hehe.

As a teenager, it was important for me to "rape" my planners. Yes, that is a horrible choice of words, but that is what I called it. "Raping" your planner ment that you'd clutter them. You'd draw in them, write in different colours, make them so incoherent and chaotic as possible.

And to be honest. When looking at my work planner, I realize that is what I've done to it. I've "raped" it, just as I did before. Old habits die hard.

I surround myself with what I like to call beautiful chaos, many colours and incoherence, violation of styles and so forth. I want to live in clutter on walls.


I want chaos around me. Because it makes me secure.

Like ecstasy

I love writing far too much to not share a lot of pointless crap on here, angsty or not. This is, however, not angsty, yay.

I also love theatre. You may have noticed this already, hehe, but, my gOD, this drug, this drug is like ecstasy, like ecstasy, like ecstasy.

I am close now to... to work with  professionals in the theatre field. And get money from it! Me! I'm not even a professional, I'm just this random woman who let acting comsume my soul and let random characters become who I am, like ecstasy,

                                                                                                                    like ecstasy. 

And I happen to be a skilled writer. What happens when you join writing and acting? PLAYS! Plays about the things I want to see. I've been quite dominating when working in groups, and now, when working solo, ah, everything depens on me, ME!

                                                                                                                   Am I on drugs?

My ex-coworker and once my boss and teacher told me once that if I ever want to study the art of theatre, I have a chance of choosing whichever path I want. Because I'm good. I could study to become a director, an actress or playwrite, because I, apparently, am skilled enough in all of those arts. 

                                                                                                           Feel like a drug trip yet?

But what if, WHAT IF, I actually manage to become someone, a name, in the field of theatre, WITHOUT studying it. If I just become someone because I'm a natural? This is pure day dreaming of course, because I'm not so filled of selfpride that I believe I'm good enough to compare myself to a professional.

                                                                                                               This is a drug trip.

Fuuuck, I'm so so exited.

I have not taken drugs. Not ecstasy. Because this ecstasy lives in me.

It consumes me,

                                                                                                                     I am esctasy.

I need to cheer myself up from my last post so here you go

I've done this before, but I do it again :D

WHAT WAS YOUR: 
1. last beverage? Water
2. last phone call: fiancé
3. last text message: from an ex-collegue and mentor
4. last song you listened to: Heart of Courage
5. last time you cried: Can't remember. A few day ago I think

HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. dated someone twice: No
7. been cheated on: Not that I know of
8. kissed someone & regretted it: No
9. lost someone special: Not through death atleast
10. been depressed: H A H A
11. been drunk and threw up: Yeah, many times

LIST MY THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS
Black in combo with pink, red or some neon colour

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU: 

15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: No
17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah, I think so 
18. Met someone who changed you: I don't know
19. Found out who your true friends are: Ongoing battle every year, I find it out all the time
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't know for sure, but, sure, I believe people talk
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend’s list: Yeah

GENERAL: 

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: I'm not gonna check, but probably 2/3 of 'em
24. Do you have any pets? Yeeeah :D
25. Do you want to change your name: no
26. What did you do for your last birthday: I can't remember! I did have a really tiny party for family, I think
27. What time did you wake up today: 9.00
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Slept like a baby. Have no energy to stay awak longer than 23-ish.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: A break!
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I don't want to change anything. I don't want to delete my past, and I think I had to go through all that stuff to get here, but if I'm reeaaally sincere, then maybe... I wish I chose another school in upper secondary.
32. What are you listening to right now?: Haha, still Heart of Courage :D
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Yeah
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now: Nothing. I'm totally oblivious of anything that can annoy me atm

35. Most visited webpage: Youtube

36. Blood type: 0
37. Nickname: - 
38. Relationship Status: Engaged
39. Zodiac sign: libra
40. Pronouns: her/she
41. Elementary: Was okay
42. High School: Was less okay
43. College: Uni? Gr8t!
44. Hair color: Some dirty blond Finnish hair type
45. Long or short: In between
46. Height: 154-ish cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone: My... fiancé???
48. What do you like about yourself?: I don't know. My face? And my courage
50. Tattoos: not yet.
51. Righty or lefty: righty
52. First Surgery: never been to surgery
53. First piercing: Ears
54. First best friend: In daycare, we used to sing songs together
55. First sport you joined: childrens' ballet?? or something like that when I was five
56. First vacation: Sweden
58. First pair of trainers: ?

RIGHT NOW: 

59. Eating: nothing 
60. Drinking: nothing
61. I’m about to: go to sleep. I wanna sleep
62. Listening to? Piano cover of Cheap Thrills
63. Waiting for: to get to bed!
64. Want kids?: Yeah. In like three years time probs
65. Get Married?: We have a date already.
66. Career?: Currently teacher to elder teenagers

WHICH IS BETTER: 

67. Lips or eyes: eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: kisses AND hugs
69. Shorter or taller:  taller
70. Older or Younger: +- 3 years maybe
71. Romantic or spontaneous: both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: stomach
73. Sensitive or loud: loud
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 
76. Kissed a stranger: Yes, many times
77. Drank hard liquor: Many times
78. Lost glasses/contacts: no :D
79. Sex on first date: No
80. Broken someone’s heart: Yeah, I have. One of them got really sad, the other one coped 
81. Had your own heart broken: too many times
82. Been arrested: I've had the police follow me and made me get rid of my alcohole when being underage, drinking in a park. lol. 
83. Turned someone down: yea
84. Cried when someone died: Duh, ofc
85. Fallen for a friend: Was gonne say no, but, well, I have, but we don't talk about it

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself: I try to
87. Miracles: no
88. Love at first sight: interest at first sight
89. Heaven: no
90. Santa Claus: no
91. Kiss on the first date: well... no
92. Angels: no

Don't kill yourselves

Text down below by "Extrasad" on tumblr.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

Sorry. I had written a long text of the time I kind of planned to kill myself (many years ago) but I got so triggered and anxious that I had to delete it. I still can't face it.

Just read that text I copied. Please.

Now I go and hit my hand a couple of times.