Not in control

As you probably know by now, I have always liked my outer appearence. I've never been standing in the mirror, judging my face or chin or breasts or anything like that. Never in my life. Maybe it's because I, who had been doing acting as a child, was used to having people look at me, and thus, didn't get any bad vibes from it? Or could it be the fact that no one had ever said anything negative about my face ever? I've never been called ugly. I've had people calling my make up ugly, but I've always been so defensive over my make up that I don't give a damn if people call it ugly.

If the avarege girl heard that her make up was ugly, would she change it? Would she try something else? I don't know, I think so. It sounds like that's the reasonable reaction. But to me, make up was the thing that communicated something to the outer world. It was soo important to me as a teenager. And I didn't like having my way of dressing up, or doing make up controlled by others. So yeah.

It's my personality that gives me troubles. I have a few times slipped into an alter ego state while having a lesson during work. I hate it. I hate when I'm not in control. I hate when I curse at a student without thinking twice, only to later regret what I did. Thankfully, this has only happened twice. But twice is too much.

I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I don't want my personality and temper to be... this wild mess. I don't want to be a mess. I don't want an alter ego lingering in the back of my mind all the time. Not anymore.

Let me describe what it feels like when my "alter ego" is taking over. The situation usually accurs when I've talked for a bit, and I have the students attention. I'm standing or walking, and gesticulates. What I'm doing starts to remind of acting. My voice gets sharper and my eyes look probably wider. I get warmer inside, my whole nervous system is activated. I might feel drunk.  And then I start talking weird stuff. I might call a student something weird. I once called a student a liar in front of everyone. Because all of a sudden, I'm not really myself. I'm this alter ego instead. This cruel person.

And moments later all is gone.


All I feel is shame. Shame, shame, shame. That I couldn't KEEP this thing back. Away. Gone.