Chaos is my stability

Sometimes I stumble upon lists like "most satisfying things ever" and they usually consist of pictures of things that fit perfectly into certain spaces and shapes, or items that are perfectly colour coded and items that fit perfectly together in a coherent order. There are also the opposite lists, with things that "trigger your OCD", usually with pictures of pieces of asphalt with the wrong colours and other stupid things like that.

When looking at these lists, I realize I get uncomfortable of the lists with the "satisfying" things. They're... too sterile, too perfect, too non-living, too coherent!

And the more I think of it, the more I realize that chaos is my stability. I find security from aesthetical chaos around me. When I was 10 I got to choose new colours to my room. Different coloured walls was my demands, and thus, my walls were coloured blue and pink. If I'd get to choose as a 14-year old, I'd probably get black and neon pink striped walls.

Ever since I was ten, I've cluttered my walls with stuff. Posters, pictures, drawings, everything possible. I still, in my own home, clutter my walls. Luckily my fiancé is the same as me, he does also love having shit on the wall. Awesome.

I remember how my family looked for weeks for the perfect desk for me, as I wanted a desk with as many selves and boxes and that looked crazy. We finally found one and oh, how happy I was. The least minimalistic desk I've ever seen, hehe.

As a teenager, it was important for me to "rape" my planners. Yes, that is a horrible choice of words, but that is what I called it. "Raping" your planner ment that you'd clutter them. You'd draw in them, write in different colours, make them so incoherent and chaotic as possible.

And to be honest. When looking at my work planner, I realize that is what I've done to it. I've "raped" it, just as I did before. Old habits die hard.

I surround myself with what I like to call beautiful chaos, many colours and incoherence, violation of styles and so forth. I want to live in clutter on walls.


I want chaos around me. Because it makes me secure.