This thing with sexuality part 2

Okay okay okay maybe I'm able to tell you a story.

This story is about me and my two facedness towards myself.

So let's start when romance started to interest me. I crushed on boys both from television and irl or on male animals (like Kovu from Lion King 2). And these crushes still lie within me. I still "crush" on centrain boys from animated tv-shows even though I'm 23 now. Those crushes lie close to my heart.

I had boyfriends in secondary schools and crushed on boys. But this is the time my online life started, and the online social circles that I hanged around in were heavily lgbt+-based. The outcasts.

I'd say 80% of the peeps I met through internet belonged to some sort of sexual minority. That was the norm. To be "different".

And I... just rolled with it. I never said I belonged to a minority, but I never said I was straight either. But because being in a same sex relationship was the norm online and being in a straight relationship was the norm in real life, both of them became normal for me.

I still only fell in live with boys.

Many of my friends found out they liked the same sex, and a few of them were in same sex relationships. I think I had over ten friends that belonged to the lgbtq+ spectre. My mum asked me once if I'm also one of them. I said no, because I hadn't had feeling for a girl.

I fell in love with a girl when I was 18. It was very weird. I didn't recognize these feelings at all. It felt more like "Omg I really like this person, I want to be her friend really baaad, I want to hug her and hold her and kiss her - oh, I must really like her as a friend".

Yes, even if I had a burning desire to kiss her, I STILL though about her as a friend. Because I was so deeply programmed to only like boys. It felt wrong and right at the same time and I couldn't wrap my head around it.

She later came out to me as a member of a sexual minority. I, naivly, thought we had a chance now. But she had feelings for another one. And that's when I realized I had lost her and I never told her I liked her that way.

I had lost the chance. So I wrapped up my feelings and, now starting university, left her behind. I dated a lot of guys, and 6 months later found my future husband.

The following summer was the summer I finally realized that my feelings towards that girl had been romantic and sexual. Not friendly. It was weird, but in my heart I knew it had been true. I never ever told anyone about it. It felt as something I wanted to keep to myself.

But I secretly wish that we had tried it. I secretly wish that she and I had become a couple, only for a little while, that we'd have sex and everything, and then separate on good terms so that I'd still meet the love of my life and could continue my life with him. I would've wanted to have sex with another woman. But I guess that's one bucket list thing that's never gonna happen.

The chance to try it out came and left then, five years ago.

This thing with sexuality (this post is a mess) part 1

Part 1 because this is just me rambling. the next part will be more coherent i swear

Oh, well, my take on this with sexuality. I am a hypocrite to myself, where in front of others I'm this happy talking thing knowing a lot about sexualities and being the best straight ally there is, and I even write queer characters often, while my head is filled with war about the very same things I gladly talk about.

.... why is it so hard.....
... you're a fucking hypocrite, and a liar to yourself....

Growing up all of my crushes were on boys. It wasn't anything to think about, it was natural, the norm and everything spinned around the idea of finding your prince, getting married and so on.

I won the game. I am in a happy relationship with a man, and I love him and our relationship. We're getting married soon. We'll have children someday. I won the game, and I'm happy. So so happy.

Yet there is thing one thing that I've never ever spoken about to any living, breathing person. I've never written anything even hinting about it onto any social media, not even my tumblr. This is my most well hidden secret.

I'm not straight.

But I hate the terms bisexual and pansexual. To hell with it, I don't want to be labeled as a bisexual. Is it even possible to be called bi when you've only once been in love with a girl five years ago and twenty times in love with boys during a whole life time?

Admitting to myself that my feelings were sexual and romantic five years back has not been easy. In fact, it took me one year to realize what they had been. And now, though I accepted the fact and was cool with it a few years ago already, I'm bothered by it.

The next part will tell the story about how I... noticed I'm no heterosexual in more details. If I don't delete everything because I'm a liar to myself.

Heads up! I won't post for a week now after this bc I'm traveling yaaaay

But I want to put of a really fast note that. I. LOVE. ANTAGONISTS.

I usually identify with the antagonist, especially if it's a antihero-antagonist, like, my body is ready for you!

One shots of horror

If I had a folder where all the posts I've deleted by now before posting them were, it'd be full of texts. I write onto here a great deal of stuff that I never post, partly bc I feel like shit after writing them, or because they still don't feel too relevant.

But hey, I came up with a new script idea for a shorty. Sometimes, when listening to music I come up with plays that occur in my head. I know some people imagine movies or music videos but I have for the last like six years always imagined plays where the song is the storyteller of the play. Some of the plays are all silent except the music, leaving only my expressions as the lines.

Once have I showed such a play at my drama work, and it turned out to be the hardest play I've ever done. Only expressions, no sound, no voice but the song, which was the ending of Room of Angel - Silent hill. It was hard not to laugh, because the audience were really close up (like two meters) to me, and I saw their reactions. They were horrified.  Damn it was hard, but I made it. I delivered horror to them, and damn straight was the delivery great.

Silence speak the loudest sometimes.

That was a side note.

Today I came up with another great one shot of a story about the nine levels of hell combined with the song "Final Judgement". Damn, imagination, will you shut up? No? Never, probs. It's okay. I love my one shots, but still, it's such a shame that no one will be able to see them. I do them for myself when I'm home alone, but that's about it.

Maybe I will one day make Youtube videos with these one shots. The ones I don't care if someone steal the ideas from. It would also be great practice to see myself act.

The dead online

I started to reflect over my online life the other day and this is the great analysis I came up with:

My life online started when I was eleven or twelve, when I got my first own computer. I even had  Adobe Premier on it, and having that software made it possible to make videos on that computer. My friend and I made probably 10-20 videos of the ponies we took care of and edited them, and uploaded them onto Youtube. We made those videos for strangers and I spent a great deal of time to bond and network with strangers on Youtube (in English, and I was fucking twelve, how the fuck was I able to network???) and we had dozens of subscribers. All of which were strangers to us.

My friend and I were in the end too different to share the channel and when we stopped making videos (when I was 13) I created a channel of my own. It's the same I still use, just with another user name.

Because I was used to talk to strangers on the Youtube was the step to continue networking in other realms easy. I was very active on Youtube, but also on Fanfiction.net, onto which I wrote horrible fanfictions. I talked to many different strangers, and had fun. A great deal of my social life was on the internet and for me it was obvious that I made content for strangers from other countries.

I lived for my life online when I was in secondary school. Because I felt so hated in real life, online was where I belonged. I thought. Buut let's not forget my extrovertness and my awesome social skills, so isolating myself was never an option. I just combined being online with real life interactions. And my pony ofc.

And then, 2011, I joined tumblr. Man, it's been a ride. I've had the same blog there for seven years! And god it has changed during these seven years. But there was a time when I spend about an hour just going through my feed. These days it takes about 1-2 minutes to do so, because most of the people I used to follow are inactive.

So now then? I'm not as active online anymore as 7 years ago, and I no longer deliberately make content for strangers because the stakes are sooo much higher than they were ten years ago.

And I kind of miss it. Life online was fun. It was great. Even if everything I did was a secret to my friends and family, it was fun.

Get to know me a lil more

What makes you happy?

Knowing my routines, being with my fiancé and animals. Knowing there's nothing to worry about. Feeling safe in my own being, also lots of wine and a good friend. Ceasar salad makes me happy too tbh

What inspires you?

My own imagination, to be honest. 

What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever done?

Sleep in the trunk of a moving car? That's not too bizarre though. Maybe the doll-suicide show when I was 14 in front of the whole school is bizarre enough (the thing I wrote about in like S.R 4 or smth)

What are your dreams?

To not live with crippling anxiety, but other than that: have my plays featured on the biggest theatre's of my country, have a book published, be an inspiration to others etc

Are you in love with anyone?

My fiancé

Do you believe in yourself?

Yes, most of the time

Do you believe in aliens?

No

What were your favorite movies growing up?

Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron, Balto and Brother Bear. I'm a sucker for talking male animals ehehe.
But Balto has wonderful soundtracks and a really touching story and I loooved wolves so much bc of that movie. The setting of Brother Bear is amazing (I love the stone age) and Spirit was everything a 9-year old horsegirl would ever need. I need to rewatch these movies ASAP!

Also Peter Pan 2003 version. I dreamt 12 dreams of that movie that I remembered. I could watch that movie every week when I was like eleven. And I was in love with Peter Pan of that production. He was so handsome. And some scenes of it (that I've talked about in some of my posts) gave me orgasmic feelings for my brain.

What gives you anxiety?

I honestly don't know what triggers it. Me being worried I fuck up all the time, I guess? That I mess up this one time and won't ever be forgiven? Idk...

What are your favorite hobbies?

Acting, riding horses, be with my pony, writing, drawing, working out

Did you have imaginary friends when you were younger?

No, actually not that I remember of. 

Last thing you ate?

Salmon 

Who is your best friend?

Someone. I don't think she sees me as her best friend back, tho. I guess I'm no ones best friend.

Who is your favorite superhero?

I'm not into superheroes at all, but Spiderman

Favourite music? or Artist?

Nightwish and their singer Floor Jansen. Symphonic metal is my jam.

 If you could go on an adventure, where would you go and what would you do?

Scotland is high up on the list, also Japan. I would wander in the woods, testing out coffees on cafées, walk in cities until my legs hurt, I would go to castles and shrines and just admire nature. I would go see some islands too.

What was life like for you growing up?

I was misunderstood a lot in real life. Life online was wonderful, and pretty maniac. I was sometimes maniac, wild and too much, a feature few liked about me.

 Do you believe in ghosts?

No

How old are you?

In a two weeks 23yo. I do not feel old at all. I feel like I've not aged a day since 17. I guess I will start to feel old when I have a child on my own.

 Would you rather travel to the past or future?

Past. I would like to relive some days of my teenage years just to fuck with the people that fucked with me. Be more wild that I cannot ever be anymore. 

Have you pretended to be someone you weren’t?

Well... at times when I was 16, but I don't think I ever would be able to severe all links to the one I truly am to really pretend to be someone I'm not. On the acting side, all the time, but most of the characters I've done have a pretty strong link to me personally.

If you had to save the world, would you?

Why wouldn't I? I would execute the people wronging our planet and then erase climate change. 

 Favorite voice actor?

Voice actor! I have to say Steven Yeun because he plays one of my favourite characters at the moment.

Last song you listened to?

Africa by TOTO :D I have a life, yes.

Do you have a religion?

I belong to the church, but I'm actually raised to not believe in god, and to think badly of religion as a whole. Yeah, my mum has strong opinions about religion. So I don't. 

Do you want a family?

Yes.

Are you allergic to anything?

No. Lucky me.

What do you want to do today?

Heh, go to sleep! It's pretty late.

Most ironic thing that has ever happened to you?

The fact that I'm working right now. I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever take a break from studying to work full time because only people with motivation problems would do that, but here I am, working full time and my final year of uni starts next year :'D It's soo ironic that I'm embarrassed.

Favorite food?

Varies, but Ceasar Salad in never wrong. Aaah I love Ceasar Salad.

Do you believe in other dimensions and realities?

Noooo.

Favorite Videogame?

Witcher 3. Without a doubt. 

 If you could live in any cartoon, what cartoon and why?

I don't know. I say Digimon just so I've had a cute companion that can transform into a giant beast on command.

Chaos is my stability

Sometimes I stumble upon lists like "most satisfying things ever" and they usually consist of pictures of things that fit perfectly into certain spaces and shapes, or items that are perfectly colour coded and items that fit perfectly together in a coherent order. There are also the opposite lists, with things that "trigger your OCD", usually with pictures of pieces of asphalt with the wrong colours and other stupid things like that.

When looking at these lists, I realize I get uncomfortable of the lists with the "satisfying" things. They're... too sterile, too perfect, too non-living, too coherent!

And the more I think of it, the more I realize that chaos is my stability. I find security from aesthetical chaos around me. When I was 10 I got to choose new colours to my room. Different coloured walls was my demands, and thus, my walls were coloured blue and pink. If I'd get to choose as a 14-year old, I'd probably get black and neon pink striped walls.

Ever since I was ten, I've cluttered my walls with stuff. Posters, pictures, drawings, everything possible. I still, in my own home, clutter my walls. Luckily my fiancé is the same as me, he does also love having shit on the wall. Awesome.

I remember how my family looked for weeks for the perfect desk for me, as I wanted a desk with as many selves and boxes and that looked crazy. We finally found one and oh, how happy I was. The least minimalistic desk I've ever seen, hehe.

As a teenager, it was important for me to "rape" my planners. Yes, that is a horrible choice of words, but that is what I called it. "Raping" your planner ment that you'd clutter them. You'd draw in them, write in different colours, make them so incoherent and chaotic as possible.

And to be honest. When looking at my work planner, I realize that is what I've done to it. I've "raped" it, just as I did before. Old habits die hard.

I surround myself with what I like to call beautiful chaos, many colours and incoherence, violation of styles and so forth. I want to live in clutter on walls.


I want chaos around me. Because it makes me secure.