The love hate relationship with the wedding bubble

I'm getting married really soon. In like four days.

Wow, it's so awesome, and great and everything I want, but also scary. At times I've hated planning for the wedding, at moments I've loved it. There are so many expectations and "right" ways to do it, that at some point I started feeling sick.

Planning for the wedding made me angry and I just wanted the party over with. My standard lowered and lowered because I got anxiety from planning. I'm more into the improvisation thing with my life so when I suddenly had a huge ordeal that demanded planning and simply could not be improvised I got frustrated. My husband to be is a person who dislikes improvisation and I dislike planning, so we had to work over the planning issue.

And while I know I will love the party and all the love and attention and whatnot and I'll feel like the stars are aligning and I'll love love love it - I know I won't miss the planning. Fuck the wedding bubble, it's fake! Yes, some people might love the bubble and love thinking 24/7 about their wedding, but I'm not part of that bubble and I never was.

One of my best friends is getting married in 2021, and she's already looking at wedding bouquets and colour themes and photographers and it makes me sick, because I'm just on my way out of that bubble and I don't get how she can in such advance time hype over her wedding.

Okay, I sound really really ungrateful and like an ugly friend and all, but.... I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm anxious.

But somehow I know that day'll be one of the best ones in my life

Once you dive in, it doesn't leave you

I'm acting again!

In a real show! Real show to which people pay money for coming watching us.

My character dies, gets shot in the head. So ironic how I got a role that dies in a way I would gladly have portrayed and come up with when I was working for the theatre school.

I swear, when you once pledge your life to the angst way, angst finds you no matter what you do. And I mean that in a good way.

I'm feeling better than I've done in a so long time. So I don't dwell in my own angst as much as I used to before, so it's fun to revisit the mindset of dying when I haven't done that in a while (for art of course. Not as in real suicide). When I write angst I keep it so strongly connected to the characters, and not me, which was the outlet and starting point everytime I was acting.

In acting, all angst came from me. I channeled it myself. In writing, I'm portaying someone else's angst in a different way. Fascinating.

Oh! I'm also in a server on a website called Discord where I've gotten tons of friends over the internet, and I've got to tell a story from our chats there, but I'll leave that for next post.

Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.

What does it take to be a good writer?

Hello, it's absolutely no secret that I've taken my writing up a notch these past years, and I'm currently very very very into writing and I write fictional pieces everyday.

I'm also currently reading a book on writing, by the Fin-Swe author Karin Erlandsson, and the book is essentially about authorhood, about writing everyday as your profession and how to make your life circle around your need to write.

I do not like that book, which is a pity, since the idea is nice and it has nice parts, but the author is so harsch with her ideas and talk shit about other authors and their ideas of what writing essentially is, as if her version is the only correct one.

Writing is so very different for all people, for all authors and for all hobby writers. I puke out text in a fast speed, while others write cautiously, carefully crafting the sentences after careful worldbuilding. And neither is wrong, why doesn't she get it?

Anyway, she was very firm with one idea. Talent doesn't exist in writing, according to her. Writing is purely made out of discipline and training.

And I think so too. But we can't let talent go unnoticed either.

Murakami, one of Japan's best writers, world wide known winner of many prizes wrote a text about writing the other week, and according to him, the most important part of writing is... you guessed it: talent.

He said that without talent one can't be a good writer. Yes, you can practise, and you can train, but you won't ever be good if you lack talent.

Pretty harsch that too.

But in acting that is true. I don't think anyone can be a good actor without talent. But in writing?

I don't know. Writing is a craft, and a craft can be trained, but it's also art and art is talent.

What do you think?

The little puppy life

Life with a little puppy is so strange! I mean, she lives with my parents, so she's not my 100% responsibility, but still, when I'm there to hang around with her, she's so... fragile! So tiny. She doesn't know anything, and when I got used to a dog who knows a lot of commandos and know how the world works it really puts one off when you suddenly got a dog who doesn't know anything.

She doesn't come to the door when someone comes inside, she doesn't bark, she doesn't expect food from the hand, she doesn't care about the cats.

But I think she's going to be really easy to train, because she is so good at taking eye contact already. Eye contact is number one in puppy training. Oh, and she's pre-pottytrained at the breeder, so she pees outside.

That is life with a little baby I guess.

But she's adorable. So, so adorable.

A moment at a time

A new year. New decade.


I went through a lot of pictures of myself from 2000-2010 together with my parents and even if it's not the 2010s everyone is talking about, I witnessed how I looked in 2010 there. I know how I looked but these were new pics that I don't remember being taken and

a) I had the exact same t-shit in one of the pics and I WORE THAT DAY ! That shirt was 10 fucking years old and I still wear it!!! It's still in flawless condition, fabric perfect and everything. One of my favourite shirts ever. wow

b) It was cringy. But also cute. Because I can't really hate the 15-year old me, because she didn't know better. she didn't know how to do makeup in a good way, and didn't know how to behave like an adult (because she was a teenager)


So. I think that if I in ten years look up how I was looking and behaving now, maybe she would smile at me too. I don't know. I'll be like 35 in ten years, probably have children by then and a job and life will be so much different that I don't even dare to imagine how it is


so let's not think about this new decade as a whole but rather

one year at a time
one month at a time
one week at a time
one day at a time

Happy new year <3

Creating fan content (because this is my latest obsession and I want to BABBLE!)

This post is connected to the post I wrote 5.12, called "When are you too "grown up" for something?"

I mentioned in that post a woman who deleted her magnificant stories because she felt "too old" for writing fanrelated fiction and that made me angry.

Now, I've done some more research, and I've come to the conclusion that most of the fans creating and publishing content on the websites on the internet (this is important, I mean websites like ao3 or tumblr or even youtube) are adults over 20 year of age.

It's fun to see when you get to know other creators and get to know their occupation, I mean, they are pre-school teachers, engineers, pharmacists and so forth and it's so delightful for me to relate to these other women in other countries doing real ass grown up stuff just like I, and still create for a show that originally was meant for boys in the early 2000s. So MUCH FUN!

The important thing is that this is on the www-sites. As soon as you step into Instagram (and oh, I tell you, Instagram has a huge portion of fanculture in it) the age of the creators sinks to 15. I've read and seen wonderful content that's created by people born in 2003 and this is where the "cringe culture" comes in, because even IF the stuff I've seen can be really wonderful, there's the other part with so cringy content where you see that oh, shit, this is a 13-year old admin aaaa abort mission

I guess what I wanted to say was that I've found again the love for fan creating, something I loved when I was a cringy teenager, and then took a distance from when "I grew up and began the gymnasium" and now I realize that hell I don't have to grow up from this stuff.

This is an amazing hobby to do together with other people age 20+ and it's glorious.

The Loss of a Dog

Have you ever had a dog?

If you do have, have you also lost a dog?

I lost my family's dog in September. She was old, and had quickly advanced cancer, and she was in so, so much pain that putting her down was basically the only right thing to do. My parents did everything to save her. They spent thousands of euros on medicine and expensive surgeries.

In just five months our lovely dog turned into a shell, and it was heartbreaking to watch her suffer.

She was like my mum's third child. And I know, comparing a dog to a human is silly, but it is necessary. They took her everywhere with them. They even went to Crete (island in the Mediterranian) with our dog in the spring, when she still was healthy.

It's Christmas in a few days, and as a present for my parents I bought a custom painting of our dog. It's the most money I've spent on a present ever, but I felt like I had to. The painting is soo beautiful, and just looking at it tears me up but I'm also so happy because it looks so real.

So, it's not going to be "fun" to give that present to mum and dad because I know mum will probs cry, but then they'll have a wonderful painting of Nelli in their living room and it's so beautiful that hopefully that'll cover some of the loss.

And they're getting a new puppy in January!!!! So now Nelli can watch over the puppy, Molly, from the painting.


Silly I know.

But when you're grieving you do what you gotta do