A video for all of you

Wow, this video hit pretty close to home. It never went as bad for me as for this girl in the video, but I have showed signs of this disorder when younger.

I wanted to break a bone soo badly, I wanted to ride an ambulance, I wanted to get hurt because it would feel good.

The reason the disorder never blossomed out for me was when I talked about my desires to get hurt to my mom when I was a kid (I must've been around ten or eleven). My mom cared and talked in great lenght about this with me, and to just get acknowledgement and to be seen without having to hurt myself, wow it saved me.

(later on I hurt myself for completely other reasons than attention).


I never got to the stages of actually hurting myself on purpose, but I dreamt about it, often. I was jealous of friends with broken bones.

I still sometimes dream about it, but rarely.

But as I've written on here before. I would love to have scars. Just have to find a way to get them.

Why did it come to this?

You have probably seen some lame jokes on IG that are similar to this:


Me when giving mental health advice to my friends: cue something extremely inspirational etc and a picture describing love and care

Me when handling my own mental health: cue someone getting kicked


I am so tired. Sad. Stressed. I would like to lock myself in and just listen to music. But I don't. I get up, do my work, try to be a good wife though I'm failing at it because I'm so wrecked, smile and laugh, sit in the tram, hate myself, rinse, repeat.

Why did it come to this?

Why have I fallen down into a pit of darkness again, after such a good autumn? I loved my life in the autumn, everything was so awesome.

Why do I sometimes vomit even if I'm not sick?

Why do my blood vessels leak even if I don't have a bruise?

Why do I feel so down all the time?

I don't want to feel so sad all the time.

A grey fog and a black rim

We had our first show last week! God it was intense. I was acting six days in a row, for the previews and everything.

I leave home a little after 16, arrive a little bit after 17, and the show starts at 18:30. The show ends at 22. I am home around 23. That's a full work day.

I've got a master to write, school to attend, and a horse to take care of during the days.

Trying to write a play that's going to shit, and writing a new novel on top of that.





I was close to relapsing last week.

Oh fuck how scared I became, because the feeling that was slowly creeping up to me was so everlasting similar to how I began feeling when at my lowest point 2016, which I've written in quite detail here before (scroll back to last spring or so and you get it all).

I never want to feel the same way I felt in 2016. I was so suicidal and to that acting was the best fucking thing happening to me. It's true. Acting was better than having a boyfriend.

In the autumn I felt better than I've done in the longest time ever. That's why I didn't write so much here, because this blog was defiled with negative feelings and I didn't feel them. I was close to manic during the autumn, I was the most creative I've been ever and now in hindsight, it was almost sick.

If the dip from that manic period was greater I would've started to suspect bipolar disorder, because I was so high on everything. Especially my own fantasy universe.

My relationship was taking a toll from that period. I neglected my husband (then fiancé) because my fantasy universe was more important. I used to be active on snapchat, but suddenly I realised I hadn't checked it for days. I was shocked when checking insta stories, which I used to follow hourly, and I realise some of them are 23 hours old. I hadn't simply checked IG all day.

I became slightly worried, because nothing in my real life did all of a sudden matter. My own fantasy universe was everything to me. I was so high on it I became almost detached from reality.

My wedding was heavy for me. I loved it of course, but because I had been so detached from reality planning for it was a pain in the ass. Thinking about the future is and was very hard for me. I lived so hardcore in the present that planning a wedding was very difficult for me. I don't like planning and I grew very frustrated, especially during January. That was the same time the acting rehersals began multiple times a week and my manic period turned into something similar to depression (wow I really sound like a bipolar person when writing it down).

I forgot to tell people important details. I neglected stuff, I couldn't focus.

I loved the wedding. Such a wonderful day.

And after the wedding, this tired feeling never left. And when I had been acting for six days in a row, and was so exhausted, my anxiety came back.

The stress. The fucking stress/anxiety and darkness.

I don't know what to do. I've gotten lost again.

We got fake blood!

We got fake blood! In the show I'm in. I die there, or my character dies, and at first we were promised fake blood and fake blood is always nice!

I like playing around with blood

 Anyways, we were going to have blood, but the director decided to cut it out as it turned out to not fit in the scenario.

But now we changed it again and now I get to smear my whole face full of that blood. Nice.

I'm living a very stressful time right now. The premiere is on Friday for my show and every night this week we got rehersals so we're on fire on Friday. I've got hell of a lot of school work to do and I'm writing that damn thesis. I am really, really tired and can't get much done when everything falls down on me at once.

Please have patience with this little bloody me.

Can someone loan me energy?

Oh god, I am almost alive

I've been so motherf cking tired that I haven't known what to do with myself. Ever since my wedding (which was wonderful and a success!) I've been tired, almost depressed and yet again tired.

This weekend I had an attack of aura migraine again.

Short explanation: aura migraine is migraine with hallucinations and sensory problems and this little fellow happen to suffer from them time to time.

This time the aura even came with insomnia too :)

So, the feeling when you're awake at 03:30, and your head hurts as if someone had poured ice right into the back of your forehead, alternatively is chopping your optic nerve over and over again and you don't want to look at your phone (which would be the normal reaction to insomnia, too spent time on the phone) because then you see the hallucination and it hurts your eye.

Note: the visual hallucinations are due to the visual centre in the brain sending wrong signals, it's not caused by a mental illness.

So I am yet again tired as balls and the common feeling after an attack like that is being depressed so yeeaaah.

Good to be back here now. The wedding took all my energy. I'm slowly gaining my resources back.

The love hate relationship with the wedding bubble

I'm getting married really soon. In like four days.

Wow, it's so awesome, and great and everything I want, but also scary. At times I've hated planning for the wedding, at moments I've loved it. There are so many expectations and "right" ways to do it, that at some point I started feeling sick.

Planning for the wedding made me angry and I just wanted the party over with. My standard lowered and lowered because I got anxiety from planning. I'm more into the improvisation thing with my life so when I suddenly had a huge ordeal that demanded planning and simply could not be improvised I got frustrated. My husband to be is a person who dislikes improvisation and I dislike planning, so we had to work over the planning issue.

And while I know I will love the party and all the love and attention and whatnot and I'll feel like the stars are aligning and I'll love love love it - I know I won't miss the planning. Fuck the wedding bubble, it's fake! Yes, some people might love the bubble and love thinking 24/7 about their wedding, but I'm not part of that bubble and I never was.

One of my best friends is getting married in 2021, and she's already looking at wedding bouquets and colour themes and photographers and it makes me sick, because I'm just on my way out of that bubble and I don't get how she can in such advance time hype over her wedding.

Okay, I sound really really ungrateful and like an ugly friend and all, but.... I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm anxious.

But somehow I know that day'll be one of the best ones in my life

Once you dive in, it doesn't leave you

I'm acting again!

In a real show! Real show to which people pay money for coming watching us.

My character dies, gets shot in the head. So ironic how I got a role that dies in a way I would gladly have portrayed and come up with when I was working for the theatre school.

I swear, when you once pledge your life to the angst way, angst finds you no matter what you do. And I mean that in a good way.

I'm feeling better than I've done in a so long time. So I don't dwell in my own angst as much as I used to before, so it's fun to revisit the mindset of dying when I haven't done that in a while (for art of course. Not as in real suicide). When I write angst I keep it so strongly connected to the characters, and not me, which was the outlet and starting point everytime I was acting.

In acting, all angst came from me. I channeled it myself. In writing, I'm portaying someone else's angst in a different way. Fascinating.

Oh! I'm also in a server on a website called Discord where I've gotten tons of friends over the internet, and I've got to tell a story from our chats there, but I'll leave that for next post.

Maybe I'll post it tomorrow.