Today!

Today I will get the keys to my apartment.

The kEYS!

*breathe in, breathe out*

This is it. After this day, I will finally move into an apartment together with my boyfriend.
We used to live 42 km from each other. And now, finally, that distance will reduce to whatever meters is between the bedroom and kitchen.

My life is falling into place, finally.
Thank you, 2015.

Life arguments, panic and tears, no more.

I remember when me and my ex once got into a fight through text messages. Because it was an distance relationship so text messages was one of the only way of communicating. This was 2012, and I did not have a smartphone back then so texting and the facebook skype was our way to go.

I got horrible anxiety from the fight, felt a big black clod in my chest, I didn't want to breathe and it really felt like the world was falling on me. I was so scared he would breake up with me.

And he did. The next day he called and said it couldn't go on. That fight was one of the only fights we had, but he said him breaking up was not related at all to the fight.

I cried. A lot. It felt so bad, having your heart broken over a phone call. But what could he do. And what could I do? Kill myself. No. Live on. Yes.

It took some time, but I got over him.
                                                    ~~~~~~


Today I managed to hurt my boyfriend over a whatsapp-message. It was a unintended joke that hurt him, and I couldn't answer because my phone died.

But somehow, while I couldn't reply I knew in my heart that everything will be okay. He won't break up with me over this text message. He won't be mad at me for long.

I apologized like a grown up should apologize when my phone revived and we moved on from that.

It wasn't a big deal at all.

Would 17-year old me think that everything would be okay? Of course not. She would cry and panic. He must break up with me because he got hurt. Or we got into an argument. I must have an affirmation that he loves me. Why would someone love me if I just hurt them???


But it is a part of life! Having arguments and unintentionally hurt someone, that happens, to boyfriends, to anyone!

I can't blame myself anymore.

It wasn't a big deal at all.


And luckily I have grown so much to realise that!

This might be a metal blog, im sorry not sorry

Yeah, another metal post, just because I'm so invested in it teehee

Nightwish

Nightwish

Mother fkcing Nightwish

I still can't grasp how much one can love a band? Like, it's been soon eleven years since I started to listen to them, and seven years since I became a huge fan. And stiiiill!

Anyways, next topic

I'm moving! Or not yet, but in January! Instagram-followers, prepare to see cactuses and books,


prepare to wake up to sunlight shining through curtains besides he whom I love,
and prepare for tea-posts at our dinner table

and so much more

goddamnit exitement
and also Nightwish

Annoying metal fans

There is one thing I cannot stand when it comes to metal fans, and that are those fans who claim they know what true metal is

and eeeverything that is outside their little box of Iron Maiden and Metallica (and possibly Anthrax among others) isn't metal

Like holy shit have you ever heard of sub genres? And besides, Iron Maiden and Metallica are the most known metal bands on the whole planet and if you define a whole genre by the most mainstream bands there are, you might want to take a chill pill

I read a whole argument wether Battle Beast are metal or not ("just because they sound just like metal bands from the 80s did sound like they are not metal. not at all." morons)

and don't get me started on Amaranthe, they are at least not indie music right? They are metal just like any other band, but they have another sound and they are part of a sub genre within metal.

I just can't stand those narrow minded "fans" that shut out any other metal band that isn't Iron Maiden or Metallica

Who are you?

Are there people out there that care about what I have to shitpost? And no, I do not mean the people I know in real life, my friends.

I mean the people who read this blog; you.

Very few of my friends know that I have this shitty blog, I am safe to say that two know this blog exist, but they don't know what I post. And sometimes I regret what I post here, as at the beginning of 2015 I had some very angsty posts here. One of them is deleted, as I got more anxiety from reading what horrid words I wrote down. And some people still suggest you should write down your thoughts, hah, what a joke.

But back to the subject. I can see how many people see each post and from what countries their are (I think most persons who find this blog comes from USA, Germany and Russia, some from Finland and Sweden) but I don't know if it is the same persons or just new random death-scrollers?

Is there anyone who follows this blog? Like, who is genuily interested in my shitposting? I can't see why, but it would sure be interesting to see if someone appreciates this

I have walked barefoot on broken feet

WHAT WAS YOUR: 
1. last beverage: Milk :3
2. last phone call: Cant remember, maybe my grandmother or dad? :D
3. last text message: From Sami :)
4. last song you listened to: Curse my Name by Blind Guardian
5. last time you cried: When I went to a fb page where people posted pictures of their dead loved ones and some wrote why their children/parents died and it was so sad I cried D:


HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. dated someone twice = no
7. been cheated on = no, i'm quite sure
8. kissed someone & regretted it = well, depends, one of my one night stands was such a waste 
9. lost someone special = A friend who died in a moped accident, we weren't even that close but her death hit me hard
10. been depressed = nah, dark times with some sort of self harm, but i can't call it depression no. 
11. been drunk and threw up = haha yes, happened a few times


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 
12. Black
13. Pink
14. Blue


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2015) 
15. Made a new friend?: MANYYYY
16. Fallen out of love?: no
17. Laughed until you cried?: Aaahyeah :D
18. Met someone who changed you?: well, depend on what you mean by change? I don't think so
19. Found out who your true friends were?: knew that last year already
20. Found out someone was talking about you?: no
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list ?: yeah :D


GENERAL: 
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life: most of them, yeah
24. Do you have any pets?: dog, cat, bunny and horse :)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: had a lotr-marathon :D
27. What time did you wake up today: 08.35
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Scrolling the phone 
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: NIGHTWISH IN NOVEMEBER HOLY YES
30. Last time you saw your Mother: today
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: nothing i can think of right now
32. What are you listening to right now: Curse my name by Blind Guardian :D
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My maternal grandfather's name's Tom :D
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: that I have to make the choice of which of the children get's the main character in the play in november and the one who doesn't get it will get sad
35. Most visited web page: tumblr
36. Who is sitting beside you right now?: My cat was here but she ran away D:
37. Nicknames: Becca and Bex
38. Relationship Status: Taken
39. Zodiac Sign: Libra
40. He or She?: She 
41. Elementary?: A school where it was almost impossible to get the best grade, but it was a nice school though
42. Middle School?: *secondary school. The school where I found friends and foes, where I once threw a piece of scrumbled paper in the eye of a boy I had a crush on because I wanted his attention :DD
43. High School?: *upper secondary school. A school where I found out what people I wanted to hang with, where I decided what I wanted to do when older and where I learned how to study.
44. Hair Color?: Orange-blonde
45. Long or Short?: Semi long 
46. Height?: 155 cm
47.Do you have a crush on someone?: I am in love, that's more than a crush
48: What do you like about yourself?: Sometimes my personality, but I like my nose
49. Piercings?: Ears.
50. Tattoos?: Not yet (i think)
51. Righty or lefty?: Right handed :)
52. First surgery = Haven't been on a surgery
53. First piercing = EARS??
54. First best friend = Marie.
55. First sport you joined = athletics, then figure skating and then horse back riding


RIGHT NOW: 
59. Eating - nothing
60. Drinking - nothing
61. I'm about to; Go and watch Broadcurch bc I hate studying
62. Listening to; 21 Guns - Broadway live
63. Waiting for; To go downstairs
64. Want kids?; Yes.
65. Get Married?; Yes.
66. Career?: Student, and what we call "dragare" in my language as a part time job


WHICH IS BETTER: 
67. Lips or eyes? = Both :)
68. Hugs or kisses = Kisses with hugs
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
70. Older or Younger = Doesn't matter to me
71. Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous, just like my man :)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = I have to go with stomach
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship 
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = both goes


HAVE YOU EVER: 
76. Kissed a stranger = Yes
77. Drank hard liquor = Also yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No
79. Sex on first date = No
80. Broken someone's heart = I don't think so
81. Had your own heart broken = Yeah, like five times it's so funny
83. Turned someone down = Yeah
84. Cried when someone died = of course, i'm not a heartless monster what do you think of me?
85. Fallen for a friend = No


DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself = Almost always
87. Miracles = Not really 
88. Love at first sight = Interest and a hope of love, maybe
89. Heaven = no
90. Santa Claus = good one :D
91. Kiss on the first date =  What actually is it to believe in? That you will fall in love? 
92. Angels = no


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
93. Had more than one bf/gf?; Not at the same time of course
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now?; My boyfriend so baaadlyyy
95. Did you sing today?; Yeah a lil bit :)
96. Ever cheated on somebody?; Never
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why?; To world war II
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?; 2014? When I was out with my friends and we danced until the sun rose and I walked barefoot in Helsinki on destroyed feet
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?; It's always a risk, but scared? No
100. Posting this as 100 truths?; Yeah???

The ghost of Girls and backpain

I went with the most precious young man I know to the cinema, and we watched "When Marnie was there", the newest Ghibli movie.

I was blown away by the movie, it was so beautiful and hauting. I highly recommend the movie to anyone who doesn't hate animated movies.

Aaaand I am quite sick, not like "i've got flu cough cough" but more like "i've been twice to the hospital and am on strong painkillers because apparently i've got arthritis in my back" :DDDD

List of Happiness

As I once mentioned, I like video games a whole lot. Me and my boyfriend finished Alice: Madness returns, and let me tell you, I am so happy yet sad that I got through that game.
We are also currently playing Skyward Swords (Legend of Zelda) and we started on Amnesia the other day, so we have a bunch to do :)

BUT THE THING IS WE FOUND OCARINA OF TIME AT HIS PLACE LIKE HOLY FUDGE??? I thought that was a game I'd never get around to play and then he randomly finds it? :D

Another thing to smile at in these dark days. I should do a list of things that makes me happy

• I've got a job I love
• I have the full support to move out
• I get to play games I've always wanted to play
• My horse is getting better every day
• She was also very cute today
• Even if I'm sick I know I am sick because I spend two nights at my boyfriend's, taking care of him while he was sick, and that makes this sickness worth it
• I finally have the medication I need
• I know I'll get though this stressful time

i w i l l p r o t e c t y o u

Minä suojelen sinua kaikelta
mitä ikinä keksitkin pelätä
Ei ole sellaista pimeää 
jota minun hento 
käteni ei torjuisi

<3

I'll protect you from everything
you ever make up being afraid of
There is no such darkness
that my fragile hand can't
fight

-ish

Responsibilities .___.

As I write this, I am at my grandparents on my mother's side, and am watching over their dog. Which comes with some responsibilities.

There is something about having responsibilities that makes me cringe. I don't like having something I'm not too familiar with under my whole protection.

Like I'll never forget when I was alone at my job with the kids (12-13 yrs old) and one of the changing rooms where they stored all their phones, moneys etc got locked. The lock went all crazy and didn't open, even though it was open for them to store their stuff in there. 

I had no keys as my co worker (who is the key owner) was ill in a town 50 km from the town I was in. The students' stuff was locked away...

So in full panic I sent a few of the kids to the office to see if someone with the keys was there, but the office had shut down half an hour earlier. When the next group of kids came along I had to explain to them that we can't start the lesson until we got the bags out of the room.

One of the newly arrived teenagers had a number to one of the persons who worked at a office in the building who might have the keys. So I had to get over the fear of calling to unknown persons and nicely asked her to drive to the building.

But one thing I didn't know was that one of the kids had a mum who owned keys. AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME.
A few minutes later the mum arrives and unlocks the room. I thought it was the woman who I called, but it turned out the woman I asked to unlock the door came when we got on with the club.

She didn't show her anger when I told her that another person just had been there. But I guess she got mad, as she drove to the work place all for nothing.


That was not nice!

Did someone say Ghibli?

Youtube has some random disturbances so I'm trying to pass time by writing, as it takes suprisingly long time to write?? (i will never ever pity myself for writing, some bloggers do that and i want to scream at their faces so they'll learn to never ever pity themselves and make the readers feel bad bc it is so damn hard to write have mercy yhyyy it may be hard as balls, but then just don't post anything and never explain yourself, do anything but pity yourself)

Wow, now that rant is over.

I haven't seen almost any Ghibli films except Totoro and Spirited Away, but since I met my boyfriend and I found out he likes anime/the Ghibli films and he happens to own all of them we have watched a couple of those movies. The movies we've seen so far are:

• Laputa
• Hime Mononoke
• Kiki's Delivery Service
• Howl's Moving Castle

Out of these I actually liked Kiki the best. I don't know why but it's so cozy :3

Read the last one

Ten how’s:
1. How did you get one of your scars? – I fell down a pair of granit stairs 
2. How did you celebrate your last birthday? – Had a party with my friends. The party was not actually there for me (it just happened to be on my birthday) but my friends bought a cake for me, which was cute :D
3. How are you feeling at this moment? – I wonder what's wrong with my nose ._. 
4. How did your night go last night? – I slept like a little baby :3 But the evening, if you mean, I spent walking and visiting my brother.
5. How did you do in high school? – Studied the things I had to study to get pasts my matriculation exams. That was biology, psychology, health care, Finnish, English and finally Swedish (along with other mandatory subjects).
6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing? – My mum bought it when I was younger, but it still fits :D 
7. How often do you see your best friend(s)? – Two I meet weekly, one lives 500 km from me so not that often :D
8. How much money did you spend last month? – I haven't checked by bank account, too scared for that. 
9. How old do you want to be when you get married? – I'd love to be younger than 25. 
10. How old will you be at your next birthday? – 21 next year, 20 this year

Nine what’s:
1. Your mother's name? – nobody knows.... ;)
2. What did you do last weekend? – Spent time with my boyfriend :)
3. What is the most important part of your life? – My identity, without it I'm nothing. 
4. What would you rather be doing? – Idk maybe write on my novels a bit more?
5. What did you last cry over? – Because someone committed suicide by jumping in front of one of the trains, resulting the whole train station of Pasila to shut down for a couple of hours, and the traffic was horrible because everyone had to travel by bus and a route that usually takes 40 min took 1 h and 15 minutes and I got so stressed I cried in the bus hehehe...
6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? – Forgetting everything by scrolling the internet, or talking to my mum. 
7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? – Must like an extremly extrovert person (aka me) and love Lord of the Rings :D
8. What are you worried about? – Death (omg please, just leave me alone, thoughts! >:( )
9. What did you have for breakfast? – Yoghurt and müsli. 

Eight Have you-s:
1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? – No, not what I remember.
2. Have you ever had your heart broken? – Yes, three times by exes and two times by friends.
3. Have you ever been out of the country? – Juuh!
4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? – Yeahh...
5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? – Not exactly in the context of getting betrayed, but I got my heart broken by them so yeah? 
6. Have you ever had sex on the beach? – The drink? Yes, but it's horribly sweet. Having actual intimate contact with another human I'd rather keep in my house.
7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you? – Yes, thrice. They were all one year younger (or one was acutally four months younger but the year changed haha)
8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day? – Not since I got older.

Seven who’s:
1. Who was the last person you saw? – My parents 
2. Who was the last person you texted? – The very cute boyfriend :)
3. Who was the last person you hung out with? – Boyfriend, earlier today. Before that two of my friends.
4. Who was the last person to call you? – mum :)
5. Who did you last hug? – Boyfriend
6. Who is the last person who texted you? – A group chat where the last message is "Kingdom of Eastern Finland <laughsmile>"
7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? – boyfriend :)

Six where’s:
1. Where does your best friend(s) live? – Like all of them in Finland
2. Where did you last go? – Toilet 
3. Where did you last hang out? – A crêpes café (or stable).
4. Where do you go to school? – University of Helsinki
5. Where is your favorite place to be? – With people
6. Where did you sleep last night? – In my own bed

Five do’s:
1. Do you think anyone likes you? – Romantically yes
2. Do you ever wish you were someone else? – Nah, I wish sometimes my person were different. 
3. Do you know the muffin man? – nobody cares
4. Does the future scare you? – No, I take all the challenges with ease 
5. Do your parents know about your blog? – Not this one, but my dad knows about my tumblr

Four why’s:
1. Why are you best friends with your best friend? – Because we're alike :)
2. Why did you get into Blogging? – For the first time, in 2009 when I was 14, it was Foki who inspired me into blogging. After that I quitted, but CaptainImaginary got me into tumblr in 2011, and four years later I still blog on tumblr. First I used tumblr as a personal blog where I wrote about my problems, but then I decided to stop posting that. This blog I used to write in Swedish, but look what it's become... :D
3. Why did your parents give you the name you have? –  I don't know 
4. Why are you doing this survey? – I love answering questions!

Three if’s:
1. If you could have one super power what would it be? – Manipulate stuff
2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? – Maybe one minor thing? 
3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring? – Maybe the desertet island would be in the Finnish waters? I'd get something that would get me home.

Two would-you-ever’s:
1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? – hell no, all of them are like ghosts to me, they don't exist. 
2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? – Yeah, I would.

One last question:
1. Are you happy with your life right now? – Yes.

I know this is not what I normally post, but...

... I am so proud of my university right now.











Original post


Look who's there at the bottom? My universiy! The oldest university in Finland! Which is completely free.

Not to mention, someone actually rated my university as oNE OF THE BEST UNIVERSITIES (outside US). My Finnish soul is crying :D Suomi mainittu, torilla tavataan.

Even angels may die

I finished a few days ago a book called "Vingklippt ängel" which translates to Curtailed Angel (if the internet is right, who knows).

And I am speechless.

Speechless about how mental illness destroys a human being, And now we're not talking about depression, we're talking about schizophrenia and psychosis.

Someones who wants to die but never kills oneself because said person is too tired and cannot function even to take that precious life.

It was an amazing reading experience, as the book was so raw, so pure and open. That someone was ready to share such pain through paper and pen to us, to us who are genuilly interested in mental disorders.

Call me weird or whatnot, but this book is without doubt a book I will remember forever.

Good Finnish metal music

Some people hate on Finland (mostly finns) and say we have only horrible artists.

Yeah, I'm not so into humppa or Finnish tango-music, instead I made a list of awesome Finnish bands:

• Nightwish
• Sonata Arctica
• HIM
• Sturm und Drang
• Korpiklaani
• Ensiferum
• The Rasmus
• Finntroll
• Apocalyptica
• Apulanta 
• and so many more!

Give it a chans. Just note that these bands are within the genre of metal, folk and progressive.

Good stuff though :)

Gaming!

I am so happy that I actually get to finish Alice Madness Returns, you don't know guyz! The final world to beat.... :)
Hopefully I can beat LoZ Skyward Sword within two months, but it's at my boyfriends mother's house so I can't get to there too often...
And I started on Heroes of Might and Magic, but that's only a time consuming game, so idk if I ever start to play for real though
BUT there are two more Zelda games to beat at my boyfriends' so no problems >:)

Name 30 songs

1:A song you like with a color in the title: 
Blue - The Birthday Massacre

2:A song you like with a number in the title:
21 Guns - Green Day (Broadway version)

3:A song that reminds you of summertime:
Enemmän duoo ku sooloo - Kuningasidea


4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about:
One of us - Lion King II

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD
:Save yourself - My Darkest Days


6:A song that makes you want to dance:
Poison - Groove Coverage 

7:A song to drive to:
Hunting high and low - Stratovarius 

8:A song about drugs or alcohol:
Requiem for a Dream 

9:A song that makes you happy:
So Happy I could die - Reckless Love

10:A song that makes you sad:
Fix You - Coldplay

11:A song that you never get tired of:
Dead to the World - Nightwish

12:A song from your preteen years:
Would you love a monsterman - Lordi


13:One of your favorite 80’s songs:
Winds of Change - Scorpions (which is actually from 1990 but whatevs)

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding:
Concerning Hobbits - Lord of the Rings soundtracks

15:The last song you heard:
Hijo de la Luna - Pellek (cover)

16:One of your favorite classical songs:
Finlandia - Jean Sibelius


17:A movie soundtrack you like:
Swimming - Hans Zimmer 

18:A song from the year that you were born:
This aint a love song - Bon Jovi

19:A song that makes you think about life:
Shudder before the beautiful - Nightwish

20:A song that has many meanings to you:
Orchard of Mines - Globus 

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title;
Alice extended version - Avril Lavigne

22:A song that reminds you of the night: 
Tallulah - Sonata Arctica 

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to:
 All of me - Within Temptation

24:A song you have seen live 
 Amaranthine - Amaranthe

25:A song by an artist no longer living:
Edge of Glory (cover) - Tristan Björling 

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love:
Kuussa Tuulee - Haloo Helsinki



27:A song that reminds you of a place:
Let the Record show - Emilie Autumn

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love:
Julen är här, Raskasta Joulua 2013 - Elize Ryd and Tony Kaakko



29:A song that you remember from your childhood:
Taivas lyö tulta - Teräsbetoni 



30:A song that is on your current playlist:
All to blame - Sum 41

I am proud to announce that I can be beautiful

Hey! 

A few weeks ago I went with my long lost friend Emma to a photoshoot and this is one of the pictures I thought was rather beautiful.

:) love to you all, beautiful ones!

Original is not always the best hehe

I can't get over the fact that Poison - Alice Cooper is such a great song! Like really, in every form (acoustic, cover, nightcore, hardstyle etc) it's so awesome.
Ironically the original is the worst version of the song of them all :D



psst I'm all happy again. Feels good again. The dark clouds are still there but I'm okay :)

is there a limit on how much one can hate oneself?
i want to vomit

ashamed

I always get so ashamed when I say something that is percieved as something cruel. That my parents think I actually am a heartless monster because I say stupid stuff and that I actually think a certain way about people.

I.do.not.always.mean.what.I.say

I use dark humour. It makes myself feel clever, but people who don't understand my dark sense of humour always get sad and angry and I hate that I can't communicate with people without making me seem like a total asshole.

I am not an asshole.
Maybe a tiny asshole, but I always mean good,

I know that there are children who think I am scary because I'm a difficult person to grasp. Sometimes I get flattered when I hear: You are scary. It's fun to know I am not a gray person no one will remember, everyone will remember that girl.

But I want my legacy to be something worth smiling for.

One day, I will save my own life, have such a control over it I can be proud and not so damn ashamed of what I say about people and to other people.

Me out.

I wish to the rain my life won't be wasted

(yes i do have a tumblr on which i during the beginning of its existence did use it as a personal blog and wrote all kinds of embarrassing stuff onto it)

But I found a picture of me from 2012 on it



Have you even seen a picture of me? I am going on seventeen there, eating at a fancy café. It looks like I have a scar on my cheek but I assure it's just the light.

I thought I was old and cool. Not knowing how much there was to break inside of me, or how much I could grow as a human and get strong. Because 2012 was a mtherfckng rollercoaster trip I shit you not.

I always said 2012 was the best year of my life, yes, I was in love, I was on an adventure, but my heart also got broken and in the end it was only year seventeen year old me could call the best. 2013 was even worse, I'd say it was the worst year. Yes, I met new friends but some parts of me were cracked during that year. 2014 was okay, it was nice and all. But now, I am happy. 2015.

This is going to be my year. I swear to the rain.

I am going to feel like the world is a head of me now.

Scorpions and spiders

Today I went to Messukeskus with my boyfriend. Messukeskus means Fair Centre, and thus we went to a fair (there were actually six fairs but who tf cares).

We saw frogs and spiders. Trarantulas and stuff. They were so cool, and I started to wonder what I'd get most frightend from, seeing a spider, a snake, a scorpion or a frog.

The list looks like this:

1. SpiderIf they´re hairy and nasty, I'd get so scared of them. I would most likely loose my ability to scream, I'd just back away and squake like something very high pitched. This would only apply to hairy and scary looking spiders though.
2. Scorpion
   Most likely because there aren't many of them. Are they even aggressive? I can't see a scorpion being something that chases a human (neither would a spider, but they're freakish looking, okay?) But I know they're dangerous, so I'm happy I live in a place they would freeze to death in.
3. Snake
   I'm not scared of snakes. If you don't step on them they won't attack. They're cute, I could even have them as a pet.
4. Frogs
   Because you won't die from a frog unless you lick it! They're just beautiful small christmas trees of the jungle :D

Angsty, poetic thoughts of stress

There is this thing called stress. I know, everyone knows.
Stress can eat you alive. Carve out every centimetre of flesh out of your stomach, leaving a gaping hole where your belly once was.

There is this stress that's good.

And there's the bad one too.

The bad one can last for days, weeks, a year maybe. Then your hair starts to fall off, your nails rip easily, you loose weight and have nightmares.
It can also last for a couple of seconds.

But wait, isn't that called anxiety??
I always hated the word "anxiety". Reminded me of social anxiety, which I don't have, and it felt like if I told anyone I have "anxiety" people would assume I have social anxiety. I DON'T.

My stress makes my nerves go bananas (haha funny word). I ususally want to cry, But then, oh wait, it's over ten seconds later.

Was it then anxiety? Think of all the suicidal children, think of them. You have it so much more easier than them.

Don't cry because you failed, smile because you tried.

That's not how it went, was it?

Your music talked to my soul

True happiness is when you get to listen to a new song your absolut favourite band, the one I could say "saved my life" back in the angsty days, has released.

This band will always be my savour.
Symphonic metal is a blessing to my life.

Madness is a Place

Well as this is probably the only day in forever and ever I will ever have time and inspiration to do TWO posts in a day (hehe as if this blog ever was of priority in my life).
And the reason I'm writing this in English is because I noticed that lots of people from other countries than Finland find this blog (which is no suprise since my blogname is an English phrase) and then I just scare them away with my non-englishness.

Dunno if I'm ever going to blog for real in English, but this is just for fun and I'm bored.

I started to think of how much the world (everything) of Alice in Wonderland has shaped me into the one I am. I don't mean that AiW is or was the biggest thing in my life, but always, always when I've seen gifs, pictures, anything connected to AiW, I've felt like coming home.

It started when I was 9, and the theatre association I had joined the year before put up Alice in Wonderland as show. Of all the people there, of all the 13-20+ years old there, I, who was NINE at that point, got the part as the Red Queen.

I loved playing the Red Queen, getting to shout and all (I'm loud okay?) and ever since then, Wonderland has been a home to me. It welcomes me back, always. But what is it that really haunts me from this universe?

I'd say it's the gore. You may wonder which gore I'm talking about, and I'll answer you Madness Returns.

Madness Returns is a game that touches Alice, 19 years old, who suffers several mental diseases after her family got roasted alive while their house burned down. Only Alice herself survived. Now, as an almost grownup she has horrible hallucinations and gets to Wonderland where everything is horror and gore.

Best game ever made.

I even created a small play about it when I still was in the theatre school. It was pretty horrible, where I acted as Alice and my friend as Dr. Bumby and one was the Mad Hatter and another one was Nanny, The story was kindof copied from the game, but not entirely. Well, I think it actually was pretty cool, but as usual everyone else was freaked out and apparently my wrist snapped loudly when my friend grabbed me by it, and the teacher said it was scary (which she used to say about anything I created).

But I can't help but feeling welcomed to that mad place. Somewhere gore. It's so hard to explain but sometimes there is this one place you want to belong to, wether it is New York och Middle Earth. And Wonderland is kind of my place.

A place I can never visit.

Me me me me

1. Har du ett par rosa string? Nä, men ett par neongula nog :D är mer en boxerflicka

2. Vem var den senaste du pussade? Jaa-a ni

3. Gillar du någon nu? Like in love, yes.

4. Vad gjorde du inatt? Jag sov, och drömde om inträdesprovet till teaterhögskolan (fast jag inte har sökt dit) 

5. Hade du berättat för din föräldrar om du blivit gravid? De sku få höra det genast efter att pappan får.

6. Hade du blivit glad om din kille friat till dig? Kanske inte riktigt idag inte, men om några år och i ett förhållande, yes absolut!

7. Klackskor eller sneakers? Sneakers! Tennarit!

8. Kjol/klänning eller jeans? Svår fråga, men jag känner mig lite mer hemma i jeans än med kjol... om jag inte har en kjol utan bara en lång skjorta på är jag mera bekväm, MEN på fester har jag alltid klänning så jag får känna mig sexig och fin ibland :)

9. Äkta hårfärg? Eeeääh, rödblondig?

10. Nuvarande hårfärg? Rödblond?

11. Frisyr? Oborstat.

12. Skostorlek? 34-36. 

13. Civilstatus? Dejtar, säätö.

14. Har du någonsin vart kär? Duhhh ofc har jag.

15. Tror du på kärleken? Kärlek i kombination med självförtroende är det säkraste kortet som finns. 

16. Har du någonsin fått ditt hjärta krossat? Well joo, så krossat som en tonåring kan få det.

17. Har du någonsin krossat någon annans hjärta? Tros inte det, såvida inte någon kaveri blivit så sårad av mig att hjärtat brast på henne.

18. Har du någonsin blivit kär i din bästa vän? Nä.

19. Är du rädd för att starta ett förhållande med någon? Nej, jag är mera av en NU KÖR VI person... därför är jag nästan alltid den som håller i alla trådar i förhållandet.

20. One night stand eller förhållande? Förhållande! Jag sku aldrig vilja ha ett one night stand igen.

21. Vild fest eller romantisk hemmakväll? Det här beror SÅ på sällskapet. Kör en romantisk hemmakväll med min säätö.

22. Telefonkontakt eller face to face? Face to face, mycket hellre.

23. Har du någonsin velat ta livet av dig? Ja. Confusing.

24. Har du någonsin gått på bio ensam? Nä de har jag faktiskt inte.

25. Saknar du någon just nu? Joooooo

26. Är du glad? Jag är inte ledsen i alla fall

27. Gillar du någon just nu? Juuu ^^

28. Har du någonsin blivit jagad av polisen? Om det att polisen följt efter mig och hällt ut mina drickor när jag som minderårig var ute och supa räknas så jo, annars nej.

29. Har du hund? Joouuh :3

30. Tror du på spöken? Jag har stängt av min ability att tro på saker jag inte ser. 

31. Skulle du vilja väga mer? Nä, jag är nöjd med mina kilon.

32. Skulle du vilja dricka dig full nu? På sekunden? Nä, varför skulle jag vilja dricka ensam framför datorn? Men med rätt sällskap kanske ikväll? Men jag kommer dricka ändå snart igen, min lever måste vila.

33. Kan du låta bli att prata i fyra timmar? Nej. Jag måste prata, om så med mig själv, jag dör utan att få prata.

34. Kan du vara på en fest utan att dricka? Jag har varit på fest utan att ha druckit. En klunk kanske, men annars helt torr. Men inte var det sådär huippu roligt, jag blir trött så lätt utan alkohol.