Closing chapters

I'm in that age where everything changes. Ends. Change form.

Don't worry, I've got so many acting/theatre/philosofical posts coming up sometimes when I'm not dying under stressing time tables, but HEY it's summer v soon, and I'll get to chill.

Tomorrow's the last real day of work and, oh, fuck, I will miss it so much! The teenagers, my co-workers, everyone.

I knew I would only work at this school for one year. I knew it and I accepted it. But now.. I want to continue, but I can't and I wont.

There's been days that I've been so tired and stressed. There's been days when I've been so angry at my students, and there's been days when, ah, the studen't been so NICE and wonderful. It's been a
hell of a roller coaster but a damn fun one.

When my job ends, I'm in for a change. I will return to my studies, but I'll have no friends there. Everyone has graduated already, except me.

The organisation I used to do work for free for is not for me anymore. I've made the promise to not go back, after all the pain I've experienced. So that's a no-no.

(I will probably go down in a low key depression again because of this change of life, but I doubt it'll be as powerful as it was one-two years ago.)

And after this final year of university studies, I'll go back into working life, this time for good. I'll finally grow up for real.

If I not by some magical miracle pass the exam to the actor studies, but, hell, I doubt I'm that good of an actor to pass the test amongst hundreds of others. But I want to try.

So, what will I do except writing my Master Thesis?

- Write another play/script. Something else than angsty teenagers? Hehe, dunno. I've got a script I've begun at called Firewalk about a girl killing her best friend by accident. Don't know if I'll continue on that or just write something completely new.

- Finish my second novel. Aaarghh, there's like 100 pages left or even more before my second novel's first draft is finished! I think I'm going to call it "A heart of darkness", and it's a straight continuation from my first novel "Children of a murderer".

- Get more fit. Like walking, going to the gym etc

- Plan my wedding even more. My wedding is in 7 months (!!!)

- Draw and sing

- Re-game Witcher 3, Wild Hunt. I began gaming it again last week. 200 + hours, here I come!

idk

I'm almost turning mad from exhaustion.

We had our premiere two days ago and it was fantastic, but I'm so tired.

Work is tiring the hell out me atm. It's so stressful. So, so stressful.

The weekend will be fun, but I'll have no time to sleep and I'm already dead tired.

All this stress will end at wednesday, and after that turn into sadness that my work is about to end.

Todays feeling is:  :(((

One favourite character

Back in the days, on the website Deviantart, the users used to make "favourite character"-sheets, which were all wonderful and made me wish I had the energy and true interest to pursue in drawing for real.

I have for closer to ten years wished to make a character sheet myself, but I can't put myself into the work. So I figured out, that because I've got this mindspace on the internet (because who uses Deviantart today anyways?) I'd do my own version here.

And tbh, I think this fav character-version is less cringy that reading 15-year old mine shit.

But after writing this I realized I have no time to make a spacious list (like I imagined), so I decided to do only one character.

Chloe Price 

(Life is Strange and Life is strange: Before the storm)

I got introduced to her in 2015 where she was the second main character in the game franchise "Life is strange", and GOD, this is how you write a fleshed out, damn great character. The best thing is that we can game as her in the second game "Before the Storm", and get the clues that led to her being the way she is.

Chloe is the example of what a neglected child becomes. Chloe is this badass woman, with a huge amount of bagagge, which is ever so delicatly sprinkled throughout the game(s). And we love a lesbian too (I get so exited for characters of sexual minorities).

SPOILERS! What perfectly finished her arc off is the fact that we (gaming as the main character, Max) have to choose between sacrificing her or sacrificing the citizens of a town. If we choose to let her die by gunshots, we live with guilt, if we choose to save her, leave the town to be destroyed, we live with guilt. There's no good option. Someone might analyze (or it's actually pretty obvious) that Chloe is destined to die. It's just me who's too weak to let her die lol

Ah.

I love a well written character, driving the train of angst.

Musicals

Ahaha maybe I should just shut the fck up because I've whined about this already enough on my Snapchat


buuuut


A youths' musical is about to have its premiere next week and the theme of the musical is *drum roll* MENTAL HEALTH! Or the lack of health. Wow, sooo original...

So we know it'll be about anxiety and stuff, maybe even suicide or mention of suicide (I bet the latter). They probably think it's original to have a musical with heavier themes. And one of the actors said in an interview something along the lines of: "I don't get how a musical can have heavier themes".

I stopped reading because I got sooo cranky bc of that statement. Okay okay these are teens who've grown up in a more "secure" theatrical world, I guess, so they're not familiar with heavier themes on the stage, esp not youths' theatre.

I was nine years old when I saw a musical called Colorado Avenue, at a big stage here in Finland and I was traumatized by it. All three main characters died. I cried in the car on the way home, and by then I knew that theatre was not safe from plots of sadness and horror.

During my teens I saw many musicals that didn't end well.

Urine Town, Little Shop of Horror, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Chicago, THREE OF WHICH I saw by the same theatre group that is now taken aback by making a musical about achievement anxiety?!?  Fuck, not until your main character DIES are you allowed to talk about heavier themes!

And yet, I know the audience doesn't like violence on stage. I remember the gasps of my tiny audience when I dragged a friend by her hair on stage, because it's not a movie, it's a real stage with real people and an audience witnessing an assault, even if it's not real.

What I'm trying to say is.... The stage is a place for heavier themes. Even musicals. With skilled actors and most importantly, a skilled director, the stage can be a wonderful place for a touching play with both tragedy and hope.

Acting with teenagers part 2

I wasn't even suppose to do acting with the teens. My job was to guide them and give them feedback.

Until my boss realized that I'd do most guiding if I was in the plays with them. I didn't do much acting for the first 6 months, and then, when it was time to work out the final show, my boss asked me to act as the antagonist. "They can't do it. You need to do it."

So I did, and we realized that me being with them helped them much more than me telling them what to do.

And they became my friends.

I saw myself as the mentor according to Vygotskij's proximal development zone (google if you're not familiar with Vygotskij's theories). I teach by showing them an example.

I had so much fun doing so. I started to do the small plays too with them, not only the final shows. It was wonderful.

I did challenge them hell of a lot. I pushed them out of their comfort zones by demanding them to act in a scene with themes they weren't familiar with. It was great.

And I want to think they genuinely thought it helped them. At least I had fun, and I hope they realized how much being pushed out of comfort zones helped them develope as actors and creators.

Achievement anxiety (long post)

Sorry, you'll have to wait for more acting rambles, because there's more urgent matters to discuss.

I've heard about achievement anxiety so much that my ears soon fall off. I get annoyed and triggered by reading about other peoeple's experiences with achievement anxiety. Because I have a hard time understanding it.

I'm aware I will sound like a moron in this text, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I just have to get this off my chest because none of my friends want to listen me talk about this.

Let's devide achievement anxiety into different parts.

1. Achievements in school.

The article I read about achievement anxiety today focused a lot on grades in school. I've always been good at school, ever since I was a child. When I was 15, my avarege score was 9,3 out of 10. Real subjects were my skill, and I rarely read at tests. Got 10s anyway.

The secret? Being a skillful writer. Because I'm a really skilled writer (a skill I've perfected since I was six, so this wasn't any cheap accomplishment) I could write anything in a test and get a good grade because the teachers were flattered by my answers. Simple. And the biggest secret? I listened in school. I had no smart phone or any distractions. I listened and learned right away.

I had no need to stress, and centaintly no need to study for hours for a test. Because I guess I had such a good self esteem.

When I fucked up I cried ofc. I've cried over failed tests when I was younger, but even those failures didn't make me obsessed. I realized all by myself that achievements in life didn't come from me getting the bests scores or me studying until my head was all fuzzy, and it didn't make me more popular or anything, I didn't need to get the best score, and I am so fucking happy I never had that need!!! I'm so fucking happy I've never had achievements pressures in school!

I don't feel the need to achieve an imaginary amazement from somebody. This blog is a quite good example. I never read through that I write here. There are tons of spelling mistakes, and other shitty mistakes, but I don't care. I let you read the true me, the me not remembering how to spell English words, the messy me too lazy to put apostophes where they're needed.

2. Achievements in appearance.

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've very, very rarely thought I was ugly. Ever since puberty, I've passed as beautiful. And that makes me privileged. But there are so many beautiful girls and women STILL not feeling good enough. WHY? Why haven't I ever felt not good enough? Why have I always felt good enough?

My secret? I don't know. Having good self esteem? Having boyfriends? Having no one tell me I'm fat or ugly ever?

I'm short. Like, so short people love to make a thing out of it. I'm soo tired of people using my lenght as an ice breaker. But I remember when I as a teen said to my mum that I hate being short, and she started to bash tall people. "If you're tall, you can't fit into buses, you hit your head etc etc". My mum basically forced good self esteem on me. I thank her.

3. Achievements in social activities

Fomo. Fear of missing out. Not familiar.

I've always known I can't fit in. I've known I'm a difficult person to become friends with. I've known the reasons for not getting invited. Ofc I've cried and been fucking broken over being totally screwed over by the ones I used to call friends. But I've known why they didn't like me. And I've chosen myself, always, over fitting into a norm with which you could potentially be invited into cool parties.

And as I got older my depression hated parties, so I was fucking delighted to not be invited anyways.

4. I don't fucking know anymore.

I've written on this text for two days now.

My original thought is lost. I can't remember what I wanted to prove with this text. Prove that there exist girls not having achievement anxiety because I find girls always being portraid as having good girl-syndromes. Prove that I'm fucking lucky to not have it, despite friends and strangers thinking I have a bad working morale for not breaking my back and mind over performing tasks.

When I worked on the magazine for the student organization did I the least one had to do. No matter how ugly it would've become, I wouldn't care. Why would I achieve and perform more than needed, when I was on the brink of suicide? And my friend was mad at us for not creating a better magazine. I was just happy it was over, and I was still alive.

Prove that one can have a good morale and still perform/work a suitable amount without having anxiety over it?

It seems so hard. Especially in my profession. Teachers in my field, mothertounge, are such perfectionists and they reek of good girl-syndrome. Even my lovely colleague. They want to invent the wheel over and over again with each lesson, they want to be a fucking Jesus to their students, they want to save everyone.

My friends at university said many times that the hardest thing in their working life will be the realization they can't save every one.

I don't know if I've saved anyone. I hope I have, but if I haven't, I wont be sad. But this doesn't mean I have low morale!

I don't want to burn out. I REFUSE TO BURN OUT. I perform what I have to. Sometimes I have wonderful Powerpoints, sometimes they're so ugly my eyes bleed. But I don't care. I REFUSE to put more than an hour time on a fucking Powerpoint. When grading essays I comment what I find important and necessary, not what the most perfect teacher would do.

I just don't want to experience the same agony I had when working on that magazine.

I REFUSE to be a good girl.

Acting with teenagers part 1

!!!Straight continuation from the last post!!!

When I started working at the drama school in 2014  the oldest teenager was three years younger than me, so not that much younger, and when I got fired in 2018 the oldest teenager was six years younger than me.

I wasn't bothered at all at the fact that the age gaps were bigger during the later years. It was fun anyways.

IT. WAS. ALWAYS. FUN

The teenagers had such a drive that I craved, a drive that actually, in some way, stopped me from growing up. I  believe that I kept a lot of my childness, creativity and teenage-y way of behaving because I was working with sixteen years old. I'm not bothered at that fact. I believe I will stay this way until I die. My children are going to be so embarrassed of their mum hehe.

Anyways, there are two kinds of teenagers.

1) The quiet and insecure teenager.
I got sometimes frustrated at these teens, because they were the opposite of me. My co-worker and I pondered many times why those teens were here?! Why would you come to acting school if your body language and voice and every action tells everyone you're too scared of acting? Of course we smiled and laughed with them, but after they went home we gave each other "that stare" thinking  what the fuck that girl did here. Now, there weren't many cases like this, and usually they stopped attending after one year.

2) The bubbly teenager
Teenagers the like of me. These were teens eagerly telling about their day, jumping onto every game we had, teens wanting to do acting! And, if I'm allowed to be selfish, these kids were those who liked me. The silent teens were mostly intimidated by me, while these teens cherished me.

While I had to censor myself for the kids, I could be myself with the teens.

More on that in the next post, because I'm way too tired to continue writing :p

Acting with children

This will probably be a more than one part because it's about theatre and as yOU KNOW I can't ever keep myself short on this.

It will soon be one year since I last went to my job as a drama instructor, naively thinking I will return in September (before they fired me).

On the other hand, I'm only three weeks from seeing my babies (characters) getting shown to the world. My play, my sweet main character and her friends, the complexity of friendship in a small town, the madness creeping in, and the past haunting them. Aaaah it's soo good!!

But yeah, I'll talk about that later. Now I want to talk about memories from the final years of my drama instructor work. Because I was thinking about it the other day.

Even if I favoured working with the teenagers did the children have their charm too. And we had more warm ups with them than with the older ones, and I liked doing the warm ups. One of my favourite was a wheel of items, where you deliver your line (or item) with some theme.

My favourite was zombie or troll. I could walk in the circle delivering the line "spaghetti" but as a zombie. It was so fun. I was actually good at doing that as a zombie or troll, as for many other themes. My least favourite was doing it as a witch. My co-worker was soo good at doing the witch voice, and I wasn't as good. I got actually performace pressure from the witch, as I was "supposed" to be as skilled as my co-worker and I sucked at doing a witch voice. Well, I nailed the zombie one ten out of ten at all times.

The best thing with the children? Sometimes their humour. But I got so frustrated with their humour for most of the time, because it was... well, childish!

I remember now something I did the first year I was working there, in 2014. I had quite some impurities on my forehead during that time, and I remember a kid (one of the most annoying kids I've ever met, and I've met quite some annoying kids) pointing straight at my forehead, almost touching my skin, saying: "You've got pimples".

I was so baffled at the fact that this fucking child points at my skin saying so. Without saying a word I grabbed her wrist and squeezed so hard I could. I stared her in the eyes with a glance that could murder someone as I squeezed her wrist. All this without words. Finally she yanked her wrist out of my grasp.

That one incident made me realize that I'm not good with children. I got better as the years went by. I didn't snap at them as easily, and learned when to just shup up so I wouldn't hurt anyone. I believe my co-worker knew this, so she handled all the children for me. My work was so play with them and give them help and feedback. The discipline part was handled by my co-worker.

So no, the children wasn't my cup of tea. The teenagers tho, aaah, I loved them!

Next part will be about Acting with teenagers!