This evening was not a good evening. Spend time crying and thinking about how "hated" I am in one of the communities I in. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I'm still part of this community and partly it is because I WANT to love this community.

Because everyone else loves it. People find their best friends, love and a meaningful time from there. People put down lots of time making this community a good place for as many of us as possible.

I find only anxiety and a feeling of being disliked.

And I KNOW they don't hate me. Not really. But the feeling, that fucking feeling of being hated and not being able to be someone they'd like is tearing me apart.

I try not to go there too often bc of this reason. There's only one friend who I trust in that place. Unlike everyone fucking else he wouldn't leave me.

But it's so hard.

So fucking hard.