Mental growth

Today something finally hit me. How.... grown I've become!

I still am childish sometimes, and teenage-y if I want to, but I finally realized that some part of all teenage angst and spitefulness and anger and whatnot have dissappeard, and not that they've just gone away by themselves, but that I'VE mentally grown enough to scatter that spitefulness by the wind.

It all has to do with my wedding. We decided that we get wed in a church, and if 15-year old me would've been told "Hey, you're going to be wed in a church" I'd laugh and say something along the lines that I hate religion and I hate people who believe in god and so on. Spiteful things, naughty things. I even broke up with a friend over this sake.  I've laughed for myself at friends who worked at "skriba"-camps (religios camps). I've put down so much energy hating something that doesn't even concern me. I just wanted people to know that I don't agree with the bible.

I was one who drew satanic symbols in notebooks and stuff OUT OF SPITE because I hated religion.

All of a sudden, today, it hit me. I don't hate religion anymore. No, I don't believe in anything, and I would never attend a service, but I don't hate the church as an authority anymore.

I've known for a longer time that I don't hate religion, but today was the day I thought it out loud. That I write it down here.

You might have noticed that I don't write god or bible with capital letter at the beginning. That's part of my "protest" that I'm still growing out of. This is something I've done since I was twelve. I've had had issues with religion since such young age. During one time of my life (that lasted many years) I refused to say the word "god" as in the Christian god.

Childish I know.

And now I'm getting married in church.

I've overcome my grudge with religion. It feels wierd. Like someone I'm not.

But the truth is; I'm still me.

I'm just growing up and becoming an adult.

A story to my heart

This post is of absolute emergency and I cannot linger any longer before writing this but O M G

I thought it was impossible, but I have found one of the best fanfictions I have read thus far. A story of greater lenght than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, this fanfic is 203 000 words long, and that is over 800 pages in a book.

I read this story in two days. I was just going to check in on the first chapter, but man, I was hooked.

Time well spent. Why did I become so invested in this story?

Because it is one of the best redemption arcs I've seen in fiction ever. A boy who committed murder,  is almost forgiven by the one he attacked and hurted by his crimes, the princess of the country. Only almost. He can't see his own fault and blames everyone else for what he's done. He can't see himself guilty and sees himself as a martyr. The princess tries to forgive him, trying to see whatever is good left in him, and after almost getting killed again by him, she can't anymore. She casts him aside, let him get abused, pained, infected, an infection that later SPOILERS kills him. (but u'kno magic brings him bAck okay).

9 chapters later, 150 000 words, and a few hours of reading, he and the princess, the one he wants revenge on, gets trapped in a labyrinth and they have to work together to get out.

Slowly he's realizing his past, and realize that what he did was not right. That he's not free of blame, that he IS the one to blame (and the one who caused the death of his father). It breaks him. It almost destroys him when a lie he so well imposed upon himself and believed cracks and crumbles at his feet.

He can't believe the princess brough him back from the dead, when he in fact, deserved death sentence. For what he'd done.

But he redeems himself. In trusting the princess, when he has no reason to. He lets the venom go. Let him be stripped naked of lies, and he asks for forgiveness.

That is powerful in a story.

That is powerful in fiction.

That is powerful in life.

And here we have it. The tragic villain getting redemption. One of my FAVOURITE tropes, favourite characters.

I almost cried. Here you have a little snippet of the story. Read, and see how beautiful it is. Ah god.

Stories like this cause a reaction in me. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but it feels like a heroin shot straight into my creative center of my brain. I just feel so MUCH about this kinda stories. About villains. About lost teenagers in their own world of anger and hatred. About characters driven to madness by some doctrine they themselves have created.

Because once I've been one of them.

"Meet the blogger"

I promised to answer some random generic blogger question if I don't get any personal questions from you, and here they are:

What’s your Favourite Book?
I think the book The Vegetarian by Han Kang is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. It's about a woman slowly falling into a psychosis and how her family cope with the situation.

What’s your favourite ice cream flavor?
Mango

What’s your most embarrassing childhood memory?
I don't know, I can't remember that well, but one time I got embarrassed was when I all alone held a comedy show for a big audience when I was 11, on the schools Winter Show, and I was later embarrassed by the outcome. But now, I think I was goddamn brave for pulling together a stand up show at that young age.

What are your 3 Favourite Movies?
Peter Pan - 2003 version
Lord of the Rings-trilogy
Your Name

What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been? 
My own fantasies

What accomplishment are you most proud of? 
Maybe the recognition I've gotten when coming to theatre knowledge. I've been head hunted to events, people have come to me for advice, I've gotten calls where people ask me to work for them because they've heard of my acting-directorial stuff and they want my services, and that makes me so proud!

Who would you like to live like for a day? 
Some famous actor, doesn't matter who.

If you could ask your pet 3 questions, what would they be?
I wouldn't ask them anything, I would only thank them for being there for me. For letting me pet them. 

When you’re having a bad day, what do you do to make yourself feel better? 
Isolating myself on the computer is alway 10/10 to feel better.

Using one word, how would you describe your family?
Wierdos

Who is the kindest person you know? 
My oldest friend E

What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? 
I saw The Orphanage when I was 13 years old and was scared shitless! Birdbox on Netflix was also quite nerv-wrecking.

Who’s your celebrity crush?
Noora Louhimo, Marco Hietala and then appearance wise LedaMonsterBunny

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Japan

If you could shop for free at one store, which would you choose?
Oouch... maybe Morticia, because it's fucking expensive there

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? 
A news anchor! 

What’s your favourite day of the week?
Saturday

Who would play you in a movie about your life? 
Emily Clarke

What’s the one food you could never bring yourself to eat? 
Jansonss Temptation. Disgusting excuse of a food

What’s your pet peeve?
When people advertise their social media with "I'm blogging about mental health". I get people want to write about their experiences, and I do it too, but when they ADVERTISE their blog with their mental wellbeing is when I get annoyed.

A lucid dream

The headline is lying, this was no actual lucid dream, but I dream I woke up like from a gunshot and it had felt so real.

I dreamt about my students. The Abis, the ones that are, as I'm writing this, sitting in the big hall in the school, writing the second great exam of the subject I'm teaching.

I bet they're nervous. I dream about some of them

It was chaos , and I was loosing grip of reality in my dream. I held a lesson for them, the final lesson before the great test. I kicked some of them out, but others came to me and gave me a hug. One of my "favourite" students hugged me. He was so happy for the points he got from the first part of the exam (this is true btw).

And this dream made me realise that I will miss them.

I don't know them well, I've had them for 1-2 courses, so not much, but 2 courses are enough. I got to know them, how they react, what they're aiming for, and through their texts I've got to read about divorces, about one of the students almost dying at a young age, about being homosexual, lot's of really sensitive subjects. Those secrets are treasured by me. I feel priviligded that they chose to share this all with me, their teacher they've known for like seven weeks.

I will miss them.

This made me realise that I love working with teenagers, atleast the 17/18-years old. Other people think teenagers are so horrible, and "I could never be a teacher" bla bla bla, but they just doesn't have The Touch. You need to have a certain touch to deal with teenagers, even when they're moody. Humour for example.

Unlike the dream, I have control over the little devils. "Devils". They're wonderful.

Hopefully they manage their exam wonderfully. Fingers crossed.

Q n A

Hi folks


Let's try this just once, okay? I'm too much of a coward to do this on instagram (and I'm 100% no one would ever ask me anything smh). But since this blog has gotten a number of readers these later days, I figured out what the heck, lets try.

This is a QnA.

Ask me anything in the comment section, and I'll answer it in a later post. You're anonymous in the comments, and I don't give a damn about IP-adresses, so you're completely anonymous.

Just pretend this is ask.fm or tellonym or whatever, and you can ask questions.

If it turns out no one wants or dares to ask questions I'll do a random "ask the blogger"-post from the internet, but it's sure more interesting if someone of you have something you wonder about, and you could get an answer to it.


Ready, set, go!

NOSTALGIA DELUXE

I just have to share a song with you, guys!

This is a song called Angels of Darkness, a song from 2003. This song was a song  E V E R Y O N E listened to. Not in real life, no no, on the internet! Everyone, from each corner of the world, in the social circles I was a part of, listened to it.

This was a song that was just between us, on the internet. No one in my school knew this song, even less listened to it. You can imagine the chock it gave me when my "little cousin" told me she loved the song. I couldn't almost believe it "because no one else knew the song, it was my inside song with the people from the internet!". Lol. There was probably more people from ex my school who knew the song, but everyone saw it as an embarrasing internet anthem so no one ever mentioned it.

I came across this song yesterday, and I had almost forgotten it! So I had to listen to it again and omg those memories.

But I mean, this song is no masterpiece, but an edgy 13-year old who identifies with the lyrics (aka me ten years ago) thinks probs this song is great.

It's catchy though.

The Childhood Friend

I can't remember how well I explained my best childhood friend in my self reflections last summer, but I had a really good friend age like 8-11. We lived close eachother, and spent everyday together in school, and many days after school too.

It was like having a sister. I visited her grandparents and she visited mine, it was like being part of her family and vice versa. I remember when her little brother was born when we were ten, and her little sister when we were twelve.

We were so close. I have dozen memories with her, and I haven't talked to her for almost 12 years. I do follow her on instagram, though she doesn't follow me back. These later days she's become quite popular on instragram, with over 10 000 followers (who knows where those followers come from, if they're bought or not, idk) and she had some QnA a couple of days ago.

Someone asked her about her pets and she told about the cat she had as a child

and

it hit me like a truck. I remember that cat! I was almost a part of their family when they had the cat. So many memories came rushing through me. I remember when the cat died. I remember when we were playing on their yard and the cat was there, and all the memories we had together.

Someone asked her about her favourite animals and she answered wolves and yet

again

it hit me like a wrecking ball. She was the one who introduced me to one of my favourite book series (a series about wolves) and I got crazy about wolves and they were my favourite animal too,

and we dreamt of moving in together as adults and having huskeys and hiking in the wilds looking for wolves

and why does childhood friendships have to be so FRAGILE? Why did she ditch me? Why was the other girls better than I was? Why did she feel like she had to fade me and shadow me completely, never to talk to me again.

I don't even know if she'd say hello to me if we met by accident.

One of my all time favourite home made characters became mad out of bitterness when her best friend ditched her. That bitterness, I felt it so hard when acting as her. That feeling when you become so angry because of something you can't control, because you can't own people, but you wish because she used to be my best friend and she left me to suffer.

Maybe that was why that character became me, and I became her. We shared a past.

My own ex bestie has caused so much pain in me. She never said anything bad to me, but her leaving me hurted my soul to the core, and it took until 8th grade to heal and I have forgiven her and I have forgiven myself

but those two answers, the one about her cat and about wolves, evoked something in me. They evoked bitterness. Again.

Sing, sang, sung

Let's talk about singing.

I don't really know how to feel about singing. I mean, I like singing. As I child I though I was okay at singing, but as a teenager my self-esteem took a toll. I heard girls from my school sing wonderfully, perfect, while I started to realize that I wasn't as good as I'd thought. 

I pulled away from singing. Singing was for beautiful popular girls with white t-shirts and black jeans, not girls like me. Singing wasn't for girls like me.

I pursued in acting instead, and dreamt of joining a summer theatre quite far from where I live, but anyways. My mum told me: "But if you want to have a good part in their musicals, you have to be a good singer".

"A good singer".

I was annoyed and sad at the fact that I couldn't sing well. I think I was declined a part in another show because of this fact.

Singing is not for me!

I finally gave in and started singing lessons in 2014. And I got this feedback: "Don't try to sing to though. You don't have to sound though. Let your voice be light".

A light voice. But... I love singing when my voice is all raspy and though and I sound like a man. I like certain songs with a male lead, and I just want to be able to sing like them. To hell with preppy songs sung at school dimitations, I want to sing metal songs! I want to sound though!

I trained my voice to be more light, and I think I did a good job. But this was spring 2015, and since then have I not gone to any singing lessons. No teacher to tell me to let my voice be light.

I know I have gone back to my old habits of imitating the sound a male voice does, but I think I'm somewhat more clean than it used to be.

Confession time! I have never sung a solo at a school show or anything. I have had solo parts in theatre productions, but those are different (as long as they're not musicals) because I can sing however I want. I've never sung a song (!) anywhere.

Some months ago I uploaded a small clip of me singing onto my instagram. I took maybe seven different takes of me singing, let my fiancé choose the one he likes the best, and that one was uploaded into cyber space.

I try to practise to sing like man, still. Though I don't know if my voice ever can be similar to the rawness in a man's voice when singing metal. I don't think my voice can be as clear and soft as many ladies can sing.

Maybe my voice is somewhere in the middle. A rawness in a woman (in metal). I don't know. 

When is suicide in fiction not the way to go?

I have almost finished reading a book now. The book is a new publication by one of the Finnish Swedish book agencies, and the author is as old as me. I know this girl. I've hung with her on two camps in 2011 and 2013, and I even made an effort to be her friend. She was not the easiest girl to befriend, and has since deleted her facebook and old blog, and she didn't have an IG before last year.

But I found her new blog two years ago, and she lived (lives?) a life I wouldn't for my life want. Her life was all about escaping life itself. It was about partying away responsibilities, bying a plane ticket to some Eastern European capital without even having a hotel booked and smoking crack in the search for inspiration for her book.

I have now almost read the book and I don't like it. What the book's been praised for is the fact that the main characters are lesbian and gay, which is "so original". Well, not for me. A lesbian/gay norm is the one I lived in for years online (without being lesbian myself). But I by no means minimize the importance of having good rep for queer characters, but WHY DO IT IN THE FORM OF HAVING YOUR LESBIAN CHARACTERS DYING BY SUICIDE AND NOT BEING CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES?

As you may know, I do enjoy suicide in fiction, but here, if the book want to give good rep to queer characters, then it shouldn't do it by giving mental illnesses to each and everyone of them.

You may also know I use mental illness myself in my characters, but I use it differently than in this book. I make an issue out of it. I, even if I glamorize it, also problematize it. This novel doesn't. It makes mental illnesses normal. It put living without parents, not knowing anything in life and having no goals and no happiness and just misery, in a good light. As if this is, or should be, the norm for youngsters (and specifically mentally ill queer youngsters).


This book has all ingredients for a good story for me. Mental illnesses, queer, angsty teenage-y, y'know me by know, stuff I use in my own stories as well. But it's poorly executed. It's not as good as I wish it was.

I'm just dissappointed.

I don't get it

I haven't got any ideas about anything to write about. Nothing. Nothing at all. So I'm going to write about one thing that I don't understand.


Girls, who, when they're getting their picture taken, do not look in the camera, but look down instead. Especially after Gamlas Dans  (Old Prom) girls with their princess dresses post pictures of themselves, and we can't even see their faces, only their massive eyelashes, because they turn their head down. I get that they want us to see their eyemakeup (or this is my theory) but then the picture could be executed otherwise.



Maaan, I've got writers block, really bad right now. I write on my novel instead, it's more fun.

See you when I see you