Unlovable

I'm kind of struggling atm. Love is all around me, but I'm struggeling to feel loved. I ask my fiance daily if he truly loves me, and he answers politely that he does. Why would he want to marry me if he didn't love me?

It feels like I'm unlovable. This is a feeling that have stuck since I was 14 I think? When you're fourteen you undergo a "confirmation" in church if you want to get married in church and whatnot, and almost everyone from my school did this. You're on a camp and learn religious stuff and then get blessed by god in front of your relatives. People usually like this, and thinks it's the best camp they've ever been on and so on.

I hated it.

We had a booklet were we wrote stuff we'd learned from the church-stuffs and I remember writing: "jesus doesn't love everybody". I wonder to this day what the priest thought after they read that.

But thinking back, I think I actually ment "jesus can't love me" = I am unlovable.

I hated the thought of everyone being loved, because I hated myself. It makes sense now! I was an angry mess during the camp and the church hasn't seen me ever since.

When my fiance and I had been a couple for some months I asked him if he'd cry if I died. He said yes, of course, and I was honestly startled. I had _hand on my heart_ believed he would not cry. Because, again, somewhere deep uncouncious, I still believe I am unlovable.

Please, let this feeling go away. I want to feel the same love everybody else feel!

I know. I'm not like them

I'm getting into another... phase, as you could've called it. My depression is better now, I'm surrounded by good people who makes me feel full of worth. My axiety on the other hand is another matter, and is one thing I'm still battling against. I'm still thinking of cutting a lot just for the kicks of it, but I refrain from the actual act.

You know the thing when a person always interpret everything as something sexual or porn, that phase that usually accurs around the age of 14? The word in my slang would be "härö", "härski" or "kaksimielinen" or whatevs.

I'm feeling like I am like that, but all the sexy stuff is replace with selfharm stuff.

We were telling a story at my drama work, everyone said one sentence at a time. And story revolved around a girl, who was hiding something in her pocket. I knew from the start of the story that it's a razor blade she's hiding, and the story went accordingly, but in the end when I had a perfect chance I dropped the bomb and said something along the lines of:

When she was home she picked up the razor blade which she was hiding in her pocket

... everyone flipped their shit. Everyone else had imagined a ton of different things the girl had in her pocket, even though I a few rounds earlier had said that she "cut" (stack sig in swe) herself on the thing in the pocket.

Even my boss said she'd imagined that it could've been a hedgehog. A HEDGEHOG? And I was so taken aback - did literally no one realize that I was, the whole time, talking about self harming??

Am I really the only one who's default thinking is connected to the art of hurting oneself?

First Aid Kit

Yesterday I had more anxiety than I've had in my life like ever. It just never ended. Everytime I got control over something my brain made up new worst case scenarios and I was stuck in a loop of neverending misery.

It was so draining, so scary, so tiring and so frightening. I overcame the worst exiety luckily when I went out on a walk, and went to the tiniest little cutest café :) and then pony ofc. I love my pony.

But man, I've never had to fight so hard against myself for a long time.

My thrills

"Varför skär unga flickor sönder sin hud med knivar
och rakblad?
Varför bränner unga flickor sönder sin hud med cigaretter?
Vad fattas dem?
Vad har de fått för mycket eller för lite av?
Kärlek? Omsorg? Beröringar? Slag? Likgiltighet?
Kan det vara ett försök att känna att man lever?
Att smärtan är bättre än ingenting?
Är det en hämnd på dem som aldrig såg dem?
Såg deras brist, hörde deras gråt och deras tystnad?
Varför skär unga flickor sönder sin hud?
Varför bränner unga flickor hål på sin kropp?
För att visa sårens rosor som blommas på kroppen?
För att själens hål äntligen ska märkas?"

-Claes Andersson

Why do young girls cut their skin with knives
and razor blades?
Why do young girls burn their skin with cigarettes?
What are they missing?
What have they got too much of, or too little of?
Love? Care? Touch? Hits? Apathy?
Could it be a way of feeling alive?
That the pain is better than nothing?
Is it a revenge on them, who never saw them?
Saw their failure, heard their cries and their silence?
Why do young girls cut their skin?
Why do young girls burn holes in their bodies?
To show the roses of wounds bloom on the bodies?
So the gap in the soul finally should be seen?


Well, nah, young girls  cut their skin because blood is nice and they get thrills out of the pain and it is like porn and they wish they could cut because of the thrills but they don't because they don't want anyONE TO KNOW!

Or that is just me. A fascination towards blood, death, whatever. A freakshow of nature.