*~inspirational~*

Okay, I saw this quote and thought it was quite neat.

Overcome your evil nature. Win the battle. Be a better person. Hide your violent nature, no wait, win over your violent nature.

The true stories of my heart

Hi.

Lately I've been wanting to write more about myself. Anonymous of course, but I want to write to get perspective of stuff.
And I kind of like blogging.
I like expressing myself, even if it is about tough subjects.
I like being honest and tell stuff I feel people don't want to listen to.

I once had a friend (well technically we're still friends but haven't met in over a year) who knew me through a hobby, from where she got the impression that I am a very difficult person to get close to. She still suggested we'd go out for a coffee, and I became very happy that she did that, because I "was interested" in her. We became friends very quickly , and she was the first friend I opened myself to, like for real.

Later she told me that I disproved all her suspicions, and that I in fact was very easy to get close to.

And the stuff I told her lies still between us. I don't feel like trusting anyone else the same way anymore, even though I've got wonderful, wonderful friends. There is one friend I could tell, but as I've said many times on this blog, I hate talking about stuff like that about myself nowadays. Maybe it has to do with me getting older, I was 18 when I told this friend all those stuff, and I'm soon 23. Maybe because I'm not "healed". Maybe I started writing more actively on this blog because I feel like I need to get things off my chest without actually having to talk to a real human.

And I also know why I opened so much to her back in 2014. Because I had a bad period that time with anxiety no one knew about, I had very bad conscience about one thing I did as a teenager, I experienced panic attacks and I felt the most alone in my entire life, and I withheld a lot of angst for the sake of art,

and I knew I'd soon explode if I didn't tell anyone and when she asked me out for a coffee I knew immediatly that she was one I could tell, because she had seen me do acting. Acts of my true self, about my true self, covered in art and characters, and she could probably guess that person I was.

I remember that I even wrote a script about which things to tell her, and I rehearsed it many times before we met outside the hobby because my self-esteem didn't allow me to just ramble about all of the things on my chest.

Now that we're not in touch anymore all kind of feelings are piling up again. It's over four years since I opened up to a friend. Maybe it's time to do it again.

But before I wait for the opportunity to tell, I can interpose here that I love listening to when other friends are telling their troubles to me. Makes me feel less alone.



(also, wow, I actually wanted to write about how much I like to sing, but the post turned out to something completely else)

Not again

I wasn't planning on writing today. But im just so distressed. Sad. Angry. Feeling like... I dont know. I have no energy left for feelings. This is one of the worst days in like a month. I thought i could get through it. But im so... Stupid. Sad. Angry. Why cant i function normally? I hate myself today



edit:
this was written on my phone when I was in a state of pure desperation. I'm still sad and all that stuff, but not as badly as when I wrote above. I'm just too tired. Stressed out of nothing. And sometimes I fully believe that my life will end in ruins, not in suicide, but in ruins. I'm scared. And somewhere deep inside me, hiding from everything and everyone lies hatred, waiting to attack me.

Lil' quick note

If there's some pet peeves I have is people "bragging" about depression. This pet peeve has grown the last few years, as before I wouldn't mind, but now I actually get close to crying whenever someone even mentiones the word depression. My throat tightnens and I get hard to even breath. Like an anxiety attack that never unfolds.

One of the teenagers I'm working with is like this. I don't know what her experience with depression is, but she's talking so light heartedly about it that it's driving me insane! I want to scream to her just to shut up about things she doesn't know about (but can't bc what if she knows about it? everyones experience is different).

I resent when people says stuff like "yeah, but then again I've depression so so what?"

None of my family or friends knows about how I feel! No one. I don't go around and talk about it like a walk in the park bc this is a serious harming issue and I hate talking about it because it doesn't help and it certainty doesn't make me more popular, which this girl seems to think. She wears her depression like a badge of honor and aaaarrrghhh


TL;DR
I hate when people talk about depression like talking about anything else, because to me it's not "anything else", it's something that makes me feel like a horrible person

This is a secret

This is a secret. Don't tell anyone. Do not tell anyone.


The only thing keeping me from cutting myself is my loving fiancé. I wouldn't ever break his heart in the way him finding out what I'd do to myself would. Wherever on my body, he'd find them. The cuts. The scars. I can't hide anything on my body from him, bc nakey time y'know.


This is a secret. Don't tell anyone. Do not tell anyone.


I want to cut myself.

ADD

My mum said to me two years ago that I probably have ADD.

ADD is basically the same thing as ADHD, but without the hyperacitivity.

And yes, I have researched the symptoms. I can focus on some stuff superhard, like creating stuff and teaching, but I cannot focus on other stuff. Following instructions is sometimes difficult and my concentration varies.

Last summer I researched whom in this country you should contact to do the tests as an adult. I found out, but I haven't gone there. I'm too scared. If the tests turn out to fail, which means I wouldn't have ADD, I'd be so embarrassed that I went through all that, and am yet "normal", but an idiot.

One of the symptoms is not following direct speech, and it's affecting me again. Ruining stuff. Making me angry, mad.

WHY DO I SOMETIMES HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME FOLLOWING SPEECH?

WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING?

AND EVEN IF I WOULDN'T HAVE ADD WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT

I HATE THIS

I HATE THE WAY I COMMUNICATE

The music that touches my soul

One of the best therapies ever, except animals, is music. I've used music as a kind of therapy for ten years now, and I think it's time to share some of the songs that have stayed with me for years and years.

I'll start with the song "Somewhere" by Within Temptation. I found this song when I was 13 and this was the song that made me fall in love with symphonic metal. Somewhere is a metal ballad, though, but the lyrics hooked my soul like a harpoon.

The second song is no less than "Ghost Love Score" by Nightwish. This 10-minute long song is everything. Even life.

This following song is "21 Guns Broadway version" and I kid you not, I listened to this song e v e r y d a y when I was 15. Everyday.

Maybe three songs is enough. My playlists are song and intense. I love music.