Self reflection 3 part 2

I write this now so there won't be too long between the parts.

When my ex broke up with me, I saw the perfect chance to change myself towards what I wanted. I started doing make up. The darker the better. The more black eyeliner the better. I wore clothes that are considered emo or scene. The girls in my class thought I looked bad, probably. What did I care. I had my fashion I loved and my music. Power metal music.

My new friend introduced me to her other friends. And it was the best thing that could happen to me at that point. I found a few more friends, and one of them liked the same music as I. Oh, god, how WONDERFUL IT WAS TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT SHARES YOUR MUSIC TASTE LIKE SERIOULSY. Ok, moreover, I started to feel a little better.

There was one more thing that made me feel better, and that was anime. I was addicted to my computer (no friends outside of school, I spent easily 6h on my pc everyday) and used to watch anime on it. I really loved it. It kind of helped me feel less alone.

I found a way of controlling my desire to hurt myself and to hurt others. Art. I wrote stories about young girls committing murders, so I could still live the fantasy. I simulated blood and cuts on myself (I had lots of nose bleeds during that time, and I kind of "collected" the blood and smeared it on myself so it would look like my arms/hands bled). I drew pictures of people committing suicide by hanging.

But on the outside everything seemed okay. And seventh grade was about to end! I felt happiness!

Until....

The town I lived in had bad economy at this point and they decides to cut money from the schools. And by doing that, my school handled it by removing one class from my year. So the students from the broken-to-be class wouldn't feel alone, my school decided to make up new classes for everyone in my year.

Let me repeat: THEY WERE GOING TO MIX US INTO NEW GROUPS.

And when I found out which one was my new class for 8-9 grade, I was about to pass out from panic. My only friend from my old class was transferred to another. I had no one in my new class. The only people I knew that were going to share classrooms with me hated me. The other ones were strangers to me.

I was at the verge of a breakdown. It couldn't be true. All my effort to get a friend from my class was thrown away like it ment nothing to cold business men thinking about money.

I told my mother that I wasn't going to school in the autumn if my friend wasn't on my class. She called the headmaster and asked if I could join her in the new class. It didn't go through. I was sure, I wasn't going to this school anymore if I had to be all alone again. I wanted to switch school to one in the capital. It didn't work.

I wanted to die. I was left all alone again. I was hated, I had no one, I was desperate.

I experienced my first panic attack that spring. I cried uncontrollably that day and almost passed out.

The last day of school was spent crying. I didn't want to see my friend leave to another class. I didn't want to be alone. Please.


Sooo, nice seventh grade, huh?

The next self reflection will be about 8-9 grade. Probably split in two parts. See you then.

Self reflection 3 part 1

Oh booyy this gon be a long post. Seventh grade was a wild ride. A horrible ride.

Soo. I gradutated elementary school, and transferred to secondary school. We didn't know our new class/group beforehand. We were placed in our new classes the first day of school. My first best friend V didn't end up in my class. Neither did my other best friend M1. They ended up in two other classes. The only friends from my old school on my class was M2 and F. I thought this was an opportunity to get closer to the two of them. Turned out they weren't planning on keeping me as a friend anymore.

I realized really soon (in a few weeks) that I wasn't welcomed in their company anymore. Magically all of the girls in my class turned against me. They despised me.

Luckily for me, I got a boyfriend. My first proper boyfriend, who was one year older. We were a couple for a month maybe. During that month I gained popularity again. The girls envied me for having a boyfriend, while they hadn't even kissed anyone.

But I still felt like shit. I knew I was hated, and my boyfriend didn't change that fact. And soon, I became violent. I remember the first time hitting my boyfriend's friend. I hit him so hard he started bleeding from his nose. I felt proud. Proud for hitting a much bigger boy. Proud for making him bleed.

I started harassing another boy. Bullying him. Finding weakness in him. Hitting him in the face.

And then my boyfriend left me. Oh, fuck, how much it hurted my 13 year old heart. My heart got shattered, and with him leaving, so did all of my so called "friends". Now I didn't have anyone to protect me from the other classmates' hate.

I got SO infuriated at him for leaving me. I couldn't handle the pain from the heartbreak. So I became angry. I wanted to make him feel the same pain as I did. I dreamt of hurting him. I wanted to stab him with a knife in his back. I wanted to make him bleed.

I was completely blind of fury and hate when I actually brought a knife to school. This is one of the things I regret. I wont tell you what I did with the knife, but let's say nobody got hurt. But if anyone would've told the teachers, I would be expelled. Maybe the police would handle the case, or the child social service, I don't know. But I would've gotten into so much trouble for my little knife.

Soo, I guess you aren't suprised that I didn't have any friends. Everyone left me, and I think some of them feared me. I wasn't bullied (they were too scared for that, I was violent, okay), but I was all alone. I started self harming. I tried smoking. I sniffed/huffed acetone for the purpose of hurting myself. I even told the school nurse about it, but she laughed it off.

I knew, in my heart, that if I didn't find friends anywhere, I would probably go down a really bad spiral. So I turned to my only option; the one girl in my class who didn't show actively hate towards me. I forced myself on her and we became friends! Someone I could trust! Someone I could talk to about this and that. Finally.

And this is where part 1 of seventh grade ends. What will happen in the future? Will my friend stay my friend? Will I experience another heartbreak?

Just wait for it. Haha.

Self reflection 2

Now, before midsummer and my little time out at my summer cottage, I will write this.

Self reflection 2
Age 11-12

This is the age when we became so old that we started to choose ourselves. You start to rely on friends instead of your parents and you feel that soon you'll grow up. I got into puberty. Even if I was a child, and behaved like a child, somewhere subconscious I wanted to grow up. Become a teenager.

My best friend left me. She became probably fed up at the way I treated her and found another one. I was devastated. It truly felt like a heartbreak. I found a new friend who never truly accepted me. I realized pretty quickly that I am the surplus friend, but yet again, I was but a child and didn't know a way out.

This was around the time when my style slowly changed. From dressing in whatever t-shirts and whatnot my mum bought me, I started bying my own clothes. I remember when I bought a top for myself. It was black with skulls on it, and it was open in the back. Maybe not ment for young girls. I remember being really mesmerized by it. And that's where it started. My sense of fashion. From that moment with that one black top with skulls on in.

This is also the time, age 11-12 (more likely twelve) when I started to listen to more heavy music. It really peaked at the age of 13, but more of that later. I got an iPod for my twelfth birthday, and I bought a lot of Nightwish songs to it. A lot of other songs too.

My older brother started secondary school and he told me there's a lolita in eight grade. I wished I could look like her, even though I didn't know what she looked like. I wanted to be a lolita, a gothic lolita. I dreamt of being part of a sub culture fashion at that time of my life. ¨


Why do I tell all of this? This isn't as juicy and drama? Well, to understand what's coming next you have to know the basics. This is when I started to grow up, when I for the first time felt a heartbreak from a friend leaving me. When I realized how much people disliked me. But also when I found myself.

Oh, man, it's only getting more interesting and more intriguing. Wait for secondary school.

Next time: Age 13.

Self reflection 1 out of I don't know how many *cry laugh emoji*

Ouh yeah, a post I was pondering for a while and well voilá

Self reflection

age 5-10

The neighbours where I used to live as a child had only boys. Also girls, but they were either too young or too old for me. So I played a lot with boys as a small child, age 5-6. I loved it, it was a wild ride that surely shaped me a lot into the person I am. I almost never ever played with dolls or princesses, but with dinosaurs (oh god I LOVED my toy dinosaurs) and all my dinosaurs were male except two. I also played a lot with toy animals. I was that animal girl okay, not a princess.

And "role plays" in day care were also my favourite. We used to play Peter Pan and Lion King for the most part. And during Peter Pan, guess who was Pan himself? I was. And during Lion King? I was always Scar. Because I wanted to. Because I loved to act as the bad guy. EVEN AS A LITTLE GIRL I LOVED ACTING THE BAD GUY (those are my favourite favourite to act as).

I found a best friend in school, with whom I had a kinda poisonous relationship with. And I was the poisonous one. I HAD to establish dominance as much as possible. We had a game, where we had to throw ourselves to the ground (which hurts ofc) and I laughed at her when she was afraid to hurt herself. I saw it as a sign of weakness to be afraid of pain (sick ikno)

I also had to be in front of her when skiing. We did skiing a lot when we were like nine-ten and I had to lead, otherwise I got completely mad. And when we went swimming, I sometimes tried to get her underwater against her will.

It hurts to write this down. Because I realize how shitty of a friend I have been as a child. No wonder that she left me later.

I just try to reflect over some parts of my life, my personality, no matter how much I wish that I would just be a good person. It's so hard. I have fought so hard to become a nice, decent person, because, news flash, I wasn't born good. I don't think so.

I have loved the bad guys, always. I wanted to become like Scar, and I purpously hurt the one playing Mufasa.

I have unknowingly hurt a friend during many years, because I was the dominant one and I showed it sometimes in cruel manners.

The memories of this pains me. It truly pains me. But I have to go through this to come over everything.

Until next time, when I reflect over 11-12 years of age.

Heartbreaking screams

I currently struggle with how to play out with this blog. Or, to put it bluntly, I have realized I love blogging. It's so weird, since I've had like two blogs before this one (plus my tumblr on which I'm still active, but I only share beautiful pictures on that one) and they've always ended up in ruin. But this one, it's like four years since I started. Wow.

(and what's ironic is that this blog, which is mostly dark and sinister, acutally has some readers. Not many, no, not at all, but a few people and to me that's... nice. Nice to have an onesided dialogue with people I don't have to look in the eyes to speak to).

WELL, this was not at all what I wanted to talk about but my mind is always racing faster than my fingers so let's move on to today topic which is this scene from Life is Strange: Before the Storm (warning, spoilers!). It's only 2 minutes so give it a go.

And if you don't know what Life is Strange is, don't worry, don't be afraid of the way it's animated, it's a game and not movie.

And you don't have to know the context. just listen to the voice actresses job! Like really LISTEN TO HOW GREAT THAT ACTRESS IS AT SCREAMING!!!! The screams are at 0:58 seconds and 1:20 if you're lazy and not bothered to watch the whole clip. (which you should!!!) 

Easily my dream to be able to do that as heartbreakingly beautiful as Kylie Brown. Scream like your heart is being ripped apart, aah

Random stuff

"I'm still hesitant to call it depression. Mostly out of fear people will put it in a headline, as if depression is unique and interesting and deserves a click. Psychology is interesting. Depression is torment."

The quote above is by Paramores singer.

I feel the same. I won't ever ever ever tell someone about my dark thoughts because it's cool, perky and in fucking fashion. 

Media and people in general are trying to remove the stigma of mental illnesses, but you know what? It makes it worse for me. Far worse. 

Because I know that my friends' reaction if I told them would be something like this: "You? But you're always happy, talkative, wild and smiling! You can't have depression/You can't have anxiety or panic attacks/ You've thought of ending your life?? I don't believe you. !!!"

And I'm so so sorry, but I fear being ridiculed and not being taken serioulsy more than I fear myself. That's why I hate talking about it. When famous bloggers and other influencing peeps are telling the world, with big headlines and books about how much they hated themselves the only thing I feel is that I fake my own wellbeing and I only take inspiration from other and aaargh DOES ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?? DOES ANYONE LISTEN? 




edit: My feelings are currently stabelized and I know how my brain and I will react to centrain things, which helps ofc a lot ^^ I have told my fiancé, and am currently battling myself to ask for professional help.