Random stuff

"I'm still hesitant to call it depression. Mostly out of fear people will put it in a headline, as if depression is unique and interesting and deserves a click. Psychology is interesting. Depression is torment."

The quote above is by Paramores singer.

I feel the same. I won't ever ever ever tell someone about my dark thoughts because it's cool, perky and in fucking fashion. 

Media and people in general are trying to remove the stigma of mental illnesses, but you know what? It makes it worse for me. Far worse. 

Because I know that my friends' reaction if I told them would be something like this: "You? But you're always happy, talkative, wild and smiling! You can't have depression/You can't have anxiety or panic attacks/ You've thought of ending your life?? I don't believe you. !!!"

And I'm so so sorry, but I fear being ridiculed and not being taken serioulsy more than I fear myself. That's why I hate talking about it. When famous bloggers and other influencing peeps are telling the world, with big headlines and books about how much they hated themselves the only thing I feel is that I fake my own wellbeing and I only take inspiration from other and aaargh DOES ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?? DOES ANYONE LISTEN? 




edit: My feelings are currently stabelized and I know how my brain and I will react to centrain things, which helps ofc a lot ^^ I have told my fiancé, and am currently battling myself to ask for professional help.