Self reflection 3 part 1

Oh booyy this gon be a long post. Seventh grade was a wild ride. A horrible ride.

Soo. I gradutated elementary school, and transferred to secondary school. We didn't know our new class/group beforehand. We were placed in our new classes the first day of school. My first best friend V didn't end up in my class. Neither did my other best friend M1. They ended up in two other classes. The only friends from my old school on my class was M2 and F. I thought this was an opportunity to get closer to the two of them. Turned out they weren't planning on keeping me as a friend anymore.

I realized really soon (in a few weeks) that I wasn't welcomed in their company anymore. Magically all of the girls in my class turned against me. They despised me.

Luckily for me, I got a boyfriend. My first proper boyfriend, who was one year older. We were a couple for a month maybe. During that month I gained popularity again. The girls envied me for having a boyfriend, while they hadn't even kissed anyone.

But I still felt like shit. I knew I was hated, and my boyfriend didn't change that fact. And soon, I became violent. I remember the first time hitting my boyfriend's friend. I hit him so hard he started bleeding from his nose. I felt proud. Proud for hitting a much bigger boy. Proud for making him bleed.

I started harassing another boy. Bullying him. Finding weakness in him. Hitting him in the face.

And then my boyfriend left me. Oh, fuck, how much it hurted my 13 year old heart. My heart got shattered, and with him leaving, so did all of my so called "friends". Now I didn't have anyone to protect me from the other classmates' hate.

I got SO infuriated at him for leaving me. I couldn't handle the pain from the heartbreak. So I became angry. I wanted to make him feel the same pain as I did. I dreamt of hurting him. I wanted to stab him with a knife in his back. I wanted to make him bleed.

I was completely blind of fury and hate when I actually brought a knife to school. This is one of the things I regret. I wont tell you what I did with the knife, but let's say nobody got hurt. But if anyone would've told the teachers, I would be expelled. Maybe the police would handle the case, or the child social service, I don't know. But I would've gotten into so much trouble for my little knife.

Soo, I guess you aren't suprised that I didn't have any friends. Everyone left me, and I think some of them feared me. I wasn't bullied (they were too scared for that, I was violent, okay), but I was all alone. I started self harming. I tried smoking. I sniffed/huffed acetone for the purpose of hurting myself. I even told the school nurse about it, but she laughed it off.

I knew, in my heart, that if I didn't find friends anywhere, I would probably go down a really bad spiral. So I turned to my only option; the one girl in my class who didn't show actively hate towards me. I forced myself on her and we became friends! Someone I could trust! Someone I could talk to about this and that. Finally.

And this is where part 1 of seventh grade ends. What will happen in the future? Will my friend stay my friend? Will I experience another heartbreak?

Just wait for it. Haha.