Fomo and festivals

Äääh fuck I totally forgot to update, which I was about to do yesterday but I forgot!

I actually don't have anything of dramatical value to tell right this instance, except that I will be in Germany one week at a metalfestival!

My brother drove two years in a row to a hardstyle festival in the Netherlands about 2015 and 2016 and he always told me how amazing festivals in the bigger parts of Europe were. And now it's my turn to travel to the bigger festivals!

Coachella who?

The topic of Coachella may or may not be something that triggers me into discussions of me bashing main stream festivals (in USA) and influencers control over young girls, basically tricking them into tricking their parents into bying horribly expensive tickets to a festival they actually don't care about but it's hot on instagram to be at events, causing fomo - fear of missing out - to other people.

I could rant about that for a longer moment, but for now, that'll suffice.

This means I won't update for a week! 

See you next Tuesday instead. Stay alive and I'll do my best to stay alive as well!

So what is the secret to happiness?

Why did I start to feel better?

Why don't I hate myself anymore?

Why am I happy?


I have multiple answers to this:

1) I finally felt safe in my relationship. With this I mean; I finally learned to trust my fiancé. I finally learned that he in fact, doesn't plan to break up with me.

I doubted heavily that he loved me for real the first years. Reason: I thought I was unlovable. And now, when it actually has sunk in; he loves me for real, he wants me, he will not break up with me, a lot of anxiety has just left me. To be scared to be left was a harming issue, and I'm so delighted that fright is gone.

2) I finally felt safe with my friends. If you've paid any attention you know I've been time and time again screwed over by "friends", and that it had hurt so, so, so bad. This was one of the main reason for my self-hatred. And now, when I finally, finally, have found friends that cherish me and actually want to spend time with me, a portion of self-hatred is gone.

3) I got to work for a whole year with something I like. Being a teacher was really fun and that switch in my life that being a full-time worker gave me was invaluable. I really needed it.

4) This is the biggest reason of them all. I cut ties with the fucking student organization that almost became my grave. Because that was the most toxic fucking thing ever, ever, ever and I will never ever be a board member again (unless something drastic change in my view). Now that I've left I'm just so fucking relieved!


Friends, lover, work and being free of the student organization was my key to happiness.

Looking behind

I just went through some old posts on here and I almost cried. I was THIS close to crying. One of the most self hatred-centred post is hidden from you, but I reread it and, oh man... Chopping onions like a madman.

So much pain. So much distrust in myself and my friends.

"And now (age 22) I feel on-off hated and when I finally admit that I feel like shit people sigh and say they are fucking dissapointed in me. Suck it up. Don't kill yourself. We don't understand you."

"I found old conversations from when I was in a state I wish no one would know of. I saw what I had written to others, and what others had written to me. I had written to one of my closest friends that I wanted to commit suicide (age 14). She asked me why. I had answered: "Because everyone hates me". She answered: "I don't, please don't kill youself" and then she sent some hearts."

And it's so much better now. I'm so much better now. I do not categorize myself as depressed anymore.


So much love for the art of acting.

"Acting usually helps. It always has helped, because in the state "of being someone else" I get to have a dialoge with myself (it sounds really weird I know) and it kind of confirms my feelings and I feel more secure."


"I feel broken. Acting has been for 15 years part of my life. This is the first time in 9 years I have a paus from acting.

I am broken."


I have decided to pick up acting again in the autumn, after one year of working behind the scenes. To fix what is broken inside of me.

--------------

But overall. Most of the pain is behind me. I sincerely hope so.

Family

I am of that age.

That age where people get married and start families. I'm no different from this, I'm getting married in like six months so yeah.

One of my friends who's of the same age as I has a child already, and another one is planning on making babies like now. She calculates her periods so she knows when the time is due and she plans on having a child by next summer. When I'm with the "girl gang" our discussions circulates around getting married and making babies.

All of this baby talk has sparked a baby fever in me. I've thought alot about a child of my own. My fiancé and I are agreed. We want a child. Not now, of course, but in like two years we might be pregnant.

It's a crazy thought! And a crazy feeling. The feeling of knowing that I might have a CHILD in a few years.

I would really want a girl. A girl I wish would inheret my personality. Am I selfish for wanting a mini-me, a successor, something that is MINE that I MADE? Yes, it makes me extremely selfish.

I love my fiancés personality of course, but I like my own more.

My great-grandmother was a strong woman, who bent all men to her will. She was a leader.

My grandmother is a loud, funny woman who curses and shouts whenever she wants.

My mum is a determined woman, who's like a spider in the web and secretly rule people and organizations. She's a leader.

And I became the loud, dramatic woman, with a wild imagination and strong voice. I'm a leader.

If I ever get a baby girl, I want a girl who carries on the tradition of being a loud woman of the leader type.

If I ever get to be that selfish.

S C A R S

I have never burned my skin to the extend I did six days ago. Second degree burn. Six days later the blister has sunk, and what's left is a patch of red, hard skin. Maybe I have another week of healing left. I read on the internet that second degree burns usually don't leave scars, and frankly, I'm a bit dissapointed. I want to get a scar out of this. If I went through the pain of getting a second degree burn in the first place then I'd of course want to get something out of it. Like a scar. A mark.

I didn't burn myself on purpose.

I have one scar on each inside of my knees. I used to wear "muscle tape" on my knee caps, like.... this has to be 2017 or the very beginning of 2018. Turned out I was allergic to the glue the tape use and it burned through my skin and caused the most nasty looking wound I've ever seen on my body. And I went through it twice, on both of my knees.

I knew the tape was hurting me, but I wore it longer than I should've. Because I wanted to get the scar out of it.

It itched and hurt and was a pain in the butt, but I got scars out of them.

The scars are barely visible anymore. Skin heals and the scars have faded. It makes me dissapointed. All of the wounds I've gotten; falling down stairs, and so on, have healed perfectly and all trace of wounds are gone.

As a child I wanted to have a scar in my face, similar to that of Scar from Lion King. '

Do one have to tear muscles tissue to get real scars? Slice through all of the skin's layers? Third degree burn?

Yes, yes, no, no, I won't hurt myself on purpose. I won't cut myself or burn myself on purpose.

But the day I get a wound, even by accident...

... I will make sure to make it a mark.

A scar.

30 never have I ever

You know what, no one asked me, but I'm going to do 30 never have I ever-asks. Enjoy.

1. "Never have I ever played Never Have I Ever."

Yes, I have played it before.

2. "Never have I ever kissed someone of the opposite sex." 

Yes, I have kissed someone of the opposite sex. Like, that's the norm.

3. "Never have I ever been drunk."

Yes, I've been drunk. I'm drunk avarege twice a month, depending on the season. During summer a bit more often.

4. "Never have I ever smoked."

Yes, I've smoked, but never much. A cigarette here or there. Never really liked it, to be honest. It's been year since my last cigarette. 

5. "Never have I ever skipped school."

Yes, I've skipped school a few times. I generally liked attending lessons, so I didn't skip that much.

6. "Never have I ever made a prank call." 

Once, and I'm embarrassed to this day.

7. "Never have I ever thrown up from being too drunk."

I would need both of my hands to count the times I've thrown up bc of being too drunk.

8. "Never have I ever forged my parent's signature."

Yes, I have forged my dad's signature once. The teacher believed it.

9. "Never have I ever kissed a poster of a celebrity." 

Öööh, I guess when I was ten or something? I don't know actually.

10. "Never have I ever gotten a ticket."

Not until today LOL

11. "Never have I ever failed a course in school." 

I have never failed a course. I've gotten through with 5- in tests, but I never had a 4 on my papers.

12. "Never have I ever been drunk with my parents." 

No I have not, and frankly, I don't think parents should be drunk in their childrens' presens, even after the child's grown up.

13. "Never have I ever lied to someone."

I've lied many times (and it's natural too, I guess)

14. "Never have I ever gotten into a physical fight with someone."

Once, when the other girl actually fought back. But that's the only time. And that was the last time I've triggered myself into psysical fighting mode.

15. "Never have I ever cheated on someone." 

I have never ever cheated.

16. "Never have I ever been caught doing something wrong by my parents." 

I can't come up with anything, so I guess never have I ever.

2. "Never have I ever sent a sext." 

Yes, but I'm quite blunt in my "sexts" so I think the other one didn't really get turned on.

3. "Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex."

No. Sadly.

4. "Never have I ever done drugs." 

Nope. But there was a time when I was offered amphetamine. When I was 19 I actually tried to get on hold to cannabis, but I didn't find anyone that sold it. Maybe I was lucky who didn't a) buy amphetamine with the deal of 10€ because I was raised better b) find someone who sold cannabis

5. "Never have I ever left my house without underwear." 

Without a bra, yes.

6. "Never have I ever had sex with someone 10 years older than me." 

Never have I ever.

7. "Never have I ever had sex with someone 5 years younger than me." 

Never have I ever.

8. "Never have I ever sent a nude." 

I don't send them. I take photos of myself and show them in person, then delete them.

10. "Never have I ever said the wrong name during sex." 

Never have I ever.

11. "Never have I ever broken the law." 

Yes. Lol. Nothing that bad tho! 

13. "Never have I ever received nudes."

Never have I ever

15. "Never have I ever flirted with a person to win a bet." 

No? I don't think I have.

And then guilt punched me in the face

I saw a particular man today.

A man I was friends with when I was 11-12.

He's one year younger than me, and he was bullied in his own class in elementary. They'd call him gay and ridicule him and I guess they could be pretty cruel to him. I can't remember how we became friends, but this was during the time I was slowly turning into the outcast of my own class and...

... outcasts stick together.

I remember how we used to swing together. We talked and talked and I knew how to make him laugh and I joked a lot to him.

We were children. We were friends.

Until... I don't know what went wrong in my head.

I started to show my uglier side to him. I don't know why. I became cold to him and then, I resented him.

And I left him to the bullies.

The strong ones crush the weak ones. I guess I was fed up att having my own friends shoveling disgust in my face and this was the start of my downfall I had about a year later with the knife incident, and I was just angry.

I left him to the bullies. I became a cold hearted bitch who likewise turned to homophobia to make this young boy - my friend - feel like shit.

I live with guilt to this day. Everytime I see him, or even hear of him (you see, he was interviewed for a news paper many years ago, and I felt so shit reading about him) guilt crushes me.

He was my friend! We were the outcasts, we were supposed to stick together, but I couldn't resist the darkness and I used horrible insults and I'm so sorry I'm so sorry.

I even had to check with FB to remember his name.

I had forgotten his name!

He seems to be happy. But what do I know. Facebook always lies.

Trigger warnings

Soo I finished the brutal fanfiction, read the first chapter of the sequel which seems to be even more murderous than the first story, but that doesn't matter at all. Now all I have to do is aggressively wait for the next chapter for the sequel, but that'll probably take a month or so, because this fanfic is equal to a whole novel/book, so it's not something you scramble together in a week.

I was thinking about trigger warnings and how different social media handle images or descriptions "that potentially are encouraging self harm and suicide". Instragram and Facebook delete them immediately if they get even one single report.

It happened to an artist on IG I follow, where she drew a series and in one panel the main character carved a figure into his palm and it bleed. She was not allowed to keep the picture on IG. It was art, for fucks sake! But it was "encouraging self harm" according to IG.

In a group I'm in on Facebook a woman was sad that her newest profile picture was constantly deleted because she had old self harm scars on her arms. Why does scarred skin have to be censored? After all, it becomes your identity and now your identity is getting removed because of OLD scars?

A story like Hoshigaki (the name of the fanfic) and Eight (the sequel) would never ever be accepted on pages like these. Luckily we have other sites for people like me, sites where gore IS accepted and not deleted. There's barely any trigger warnings.

For Hoshigaki, there was only one trigger warning and that was animal abuse. Because animal abuse is on a whole different level compared to abusing humans. I don't like reading animal abuse, but for the sake of a story, I will.

Ääh, I don't know what I wanted to say with this. 

That I'm happy that gory stories and pictures can be consumed and enjoyed on some sites, where many other social media won't let it happen.

(and I'm eagerly waiting to know what happens to my trio in Eight. One who breaks his own bowns to practise healing, another one who trains her body to the limits of passing out, and the third one who rips his own skin to write seals in blood on the walls).

Freudian slips are so embarrassing

If you have studied psychology you know about Freuds theories (and in this household we hate Freud because his theories minimize women and he's a pervert douch), but I'll explain shortly:

Freud believed the mind is made up of three parts, the ID, the conscious and the subconsious. Both the ID and the conscious are there when you're present and avake, and you can't by willpower control your subconscious. Your dreams are the subconscious talking to you, and Freudian slips are your subcounsciuos telling you what you really think about.

Freudian slip is when you aim to say a certain word but instread you say another word (often something porno), without knowing why and without controlling what you're saying.

I had a pretty bad Freudian slip the other day. I was cuddling with my fiancé and we kissed and spooned and did sugary things couples usually do and we joked around with the word "fluff" (means fluffy). I was to say "puff-fluff" to him when I opened my mouth and THIS came out of it:

"Blodfluff". (blood-fluff).

Blood.

Did I just say blood-fluff to my fiancé while cuddling him? I started laughing and it was soo embarrassing but LUCKILY my fiancé knows me so he said the following day:

"It's because of that fanfiction, isn't it?"

Thank god he understands me well by now. He knows I'm reading a reaaaally sadistic and gory fanfiction at the moment, so all this stuff with injuries and blood is really coming up my head.

It's been a wonder that I havent't scared him away yet, and he refuses to be scared away so that's nice.

Anyways, that fanfic is one of the most sadistic things I've read in a while, and the gory shit I've written doesn't stand a chance against writer168's will to put character through pain.

And I love it! I fucking love reading gore. 

Now let's just wish wish wish I won't have a Freudian slip infront of my parents or a friend that potentially will be scared away from me.

Bruised

I'm currently covered in bruises and my ankles are in pain. I was drunk two nights ago, and my body paid a price. Not only did I have a "nice" hangover, but I was in such pain during Sunday it was ridiculus. My whole body hurt, my muscles hurt and I had enormous bruises everywhere.

I belong to that percent of the population that become reaaally wild while drunk. I climb trees, I run, I jump, I would pick fights, I try karate and so on.

Of course I get hurt, but this, man, took the price. And not only is my body in pain, I got in trouble with the law and I have a nice speeding ticket coming my way. I really wish it's not 200€, but I fear the worst. My foot was pretty heavy on the speed pedal, you see. Fuck. I was not drunk while driving! But law is law, I guess.


Talking about bruises, does anyone remember the menhera fashion that was popular around 2015? Menhera. Menhera basically means "becoming cute by being sick". Girls and boys dressing up in the menhera fashion usually would paint bruises on them (or hit themselves). They would wear bandages and patches so it would look like they're wounded.

Because it was cute.

Mental health issues was quite usual amongst this group, unsupringsingly.

I feel like a menhera girl right now. I have a big bruise on my arm, and I kinda like the look of it. It almost looks cute. In menhera fashion one would often draw  pictures of planets with a ball pen on your bruises, and I'm tempted to do the same.

It's not like I'm proud of managing to bruise myself, but deep, very deep inside....

I like having bruises.

This is a secret.