So what is the secret to happiness?

Why did I start to feel better?

Why don't I hate myself anymore?

Why am I happy?


I have multiple answers to this:

1) I finally felt safe in my relationship. With this I mean; I finally learned to trust my fiancé. I finally learned that he in fact, doesn't plan to break up with me.

I doubted heavily that he loved me for real the first years. Reason: I thought I was unlovable. And now, when it actually has sunk in; he loves me for real, he wants me, he will not break up with me, a lot of anxiety has just left me. To be scared to be left was a harming issue, and I'm so delighted that fright is gone.

2) I finally felt safe with my friends. If you've paid any attention you know I've been time and time again screwed over by "friends", and that it had hurt so, so, so bad. This was one of the main reason for my self-hatred. And now, when I finally, finally, have found friends that cherish me and actually want to spend time with me, a portion of self-hatred is gone.

3) I got to work for a whole year with something I like. Being a teacher was really fun and that switch in my life that being a full-time worker gave me was invaluable. I really needed it.

4) This is the biggest reason of them all. I cut ties with the fucking student organization that almost became my grave. Because that was the most toxic fucking thing ever, ever, ever and I will never ever be a board member again (unless something drastic change in my view). Now that I've left I'm just so fucking relieved!


Friends, lover, work and being free of the student organization was my key to happiness.