In the end

Aawh, gee, bagworm isn't the default suggestion when you write "b" in the internet search bar anymore, now it is "biased".

I've been mourning the last couple of days and the reason is silly.

I'm currently going through a swish of paranoia. Paranoia that none of my friends really like me. None of them.

Everywhere I look I see friends deliberately choose other things over me. I see friends not answering my messages, friends choosing other friends over me, friends to whom I in the end don't matter to.

All my life I've fought with this paranoia. It's such a struggle to keep a friend more than three year. I've been the final pick every damn time since I was a preteen.

Am I to live as the second choice forever?

And right now, the paranoia is greater than it usually is. Usually I can ignore it, and think rationally, but these last days it's been harder than before.

In the end.... I'm always alone.

Hurt boys

I may have a soft heart in real life, but in my fictional worlds I'm a true sadist.

Especially towards boys.

There are few as satisfying things as seeing/imagining a fictional boy getting hurt.

My fiancé and I are currently watching an animeseries at the moment (Naruto + Shippuden if you're asking which one), and the best scene I saw so far (and this series has alltogether 700 episodes, so it's a really long run) was when a boy was so desperate to get away from the enemy that he stabbed himself, attemped war suicide, and later gave himself up to be killed because he was too badly hurt. I almost ascended to heaven because it was soo good!

My fiancé knows to some extend my liking for putting fictional characters through pain, so he laughed at me after we watched that scene, because I was so ecstatic after it. He said something like this:

"You love characters after they've been in a near-death-situation, don't you? I knew you would love Kiba (the character) after this".

And it's true. My eyes open after a character almost dies. I love when characters get really hurt.

But we all just have to be happy that this is only on a fictional level, and somewhat self-centred level (which means I may inflict pain to myself if I feel like it). This was veeeery clear back in the days when I was acting, if I wanted to get the character hurt I had to hurt myself first. Duh. I know my boss/co-worker didn't like it, but she laughed it off most of the times.

But yeah, that Kiba-boy who almost killed himself out of desperation is my snack now.

The final thing about sexuality (part 4 and the final part)

I've got like two posts I want to write before I continue with my ~*aesthetic*~ series, and no, it's not about achievement anxiety, but because it's June and June is known as pride month so let's keep things within schedule and get the sexuality stuff away.

 The only thing I will say is that I won't tell anyone out of the blue any of this stuff I've told here. If a friend were to ask me specifically "Hey, are you straight?", I'd probably tell the truth. But I can't really see myself "confess", for example in a heart to heart conversation with a close friend of mine (one of the like two friends I can see myself talk heart to heart with), without getting asked.

Because in all honesty, it's not really that relevant anymore. I've found the love of my life and because we hopefully never separate I won't have the need to find a new partner. So I won't have to ponder about these things and feelings the same way someone who's single has to.

The final weekend in June Helsinki has the big Pride Parade. I won't be there this year, though I really love being there.

I've never myself attended the parade or the after parties, but I've been in the audience twice in Helsinki and once in Stockholm (Sweden). It's funnier to be in the audience because you see everyone, all the colourful clothing and people of all genders walking, having the time of their lives.

And I have no friend that would hang out with me in such an event. The girl from 2014, yes, she's active in minority work in Finland, but it wouldn't feel natural to hang out with her, since we haven't spoken to each other for quite some time now. So next tear, if I have the possibility, I'll go and watch it again. Alone.

Let's just say I'm content with the situation as it is right now.

This will probably be the last thing I talk about sexuality, in a really long while.

This thing about sexuality part 3

Oh wow, a part 3 I never planned to make. I planned to leave my sexualiy-stuff in autumn 2018 with that one messy two parter, but here I am with part three.

Do you know Dan Howell? Dan as in Danisnotonfire (on YT)? Cute guy, funny content.

He made the other day a really long video where he came out as gay, and the history behind his reasonings for being closeted for such a long time, even from his own parents. He's 28. He came out this year to his parents. He was closeted for like 15 years, and had a really horrifying past being bullied, and having friends that threatned to burn down his tent while he sleeps in it during a festival (like wtf??) because his friends knew he was not straight.

Anyways, it was a really touching video. Like I almost,  almost started to cry while watching it. I felt so sad for him, and at the same time so proud that he finally felt safe to tell the world the truth.

This video kind of forced me to revisit and reprocess that summer, 2014, when I was in love with a person of my own sex.

I remember that this girl once asked me if I'm straight. I laughed and said yes. She answered something along the lines of this:

"Oh, I thought you were a lesbian. Or atleast bi. You dress and behave like a lesbian."

I was not hurt at all by this, I just laughed it away. And a few weeks later, when I realized that I infact wanted something more than just friendship, she started to slip through my fingers. She'd met another girl that she became interested in. She came out to me, and I was happy for her finding her own sexuality, while I just stepped into the closet again. It would have felt like SUCH a failure telling her "hey you were right all along, I dress and behave like a queer person, I like you! Oh, but fuck, you're not interested in me, sorry, can I still get a kiss?"

She told me when she had sex with a girl the first time and I was so jealous. This was a person I liked and wanted a relationship with, and I just ruined my chance day after day, and I couldn't confront her with my feelings. I didn't want to.

I'd rather be straight with relationships with men that actually work, than live longing after a girl I can't get because she finds girl after girl to be interested in, everyone except me. Of course I was jealous as fuck.

I couldn't stand it when the autumn came, when she had a whole network of gay friends and a girl she had a thing with. I did not want to stay at the side watching her be happy when I couldn't get her, so I turned to men instead.

Half a year later I found my soon to be husband.

Days like these I think back to my huge crush on her. My feelings for her are treasured in a little box I like to open once in a while and then close it again and put it on a shelf with my other past relationships.

To this day she doesn't know I liked her. No one knows I fancied her. But it's okay. I have my love and she has hers. It's okay.

But I'm so happy for Dan Howell for overcoming his fears

The *~aesthetics~*

Was it last year or 2017 that everyone (literally everyone) was talking about *~aesthetics~* all the time? Or was it even older than 2017?

Earlier today I figured out I would do an aesthetic-related post, where I talk about the aestethic I personally love.

Let's start early, when I even started to sense aesthetics. 13 years old.

When I was 13-14 I had a very significant gothic sensed mind and the aestethic that followed.

I was obsessed with victorian gothic fashion, and gothic lolita fashion for a moment, and the aesthetic of black mixed with red/purple/blue, and ruffles, laces, the kinda doll related fashion.

This is an outfit 13-year old me would die to wear. This was what I was aiming for, but you know, when you're 13 you can't really do much to change your clothing to this expensive style. But I dreamed. Today I wouldn't want to wear this, but I still like the tone of it.


The Tim Burton- aesthetics 

Yes, I know Tim Burton is a racist prick, but his movies and tone in movies kinda goes hand in hand with the gothic aestethics.

Tim Burton is the director of many movies, and most of them are of gothic themes. Nightmare before Christmas is a prime example, but Edward Scissorhands is a lovely, older movie (1990). I believe many finds the gothic fashion through his movies, but I found his movies through my interest in goth because it was more or less mandatory to love his movies if you were goth.

Now, his movies carried the aestethics of goth in them. You know what I mean if you watch some of his older movies.

The Emilie Autumn - aesthetics

 

Emilie Autumn was an artist, singer and songwriter. She's not dead, but she's not doing any of that stuff anymore, sadly.

EA was one of my biggest idols when I was 13/14. She made music that were, how do I even describe them, victorian industrial gothic. Now, there's alot of controversy surrounding her, that her own history is a lie, that she's a great liar etc, but the story she told, and the one teenager me believed was that she was bipolar, and after having an abortion (forced by her then partner) she collapsed and lived in a mental hospital for a while. Or asylum, as we can also call it. After she was released she started doing music. But who knows, maybe it's a lie.

Many of her songs are about women living in mental institutions, many of them by wrong causes. She's inspired by late 1800s asylums where women where locked inside because of  hysteria and other illnesses that by today doesn't exist anymore. If I remember correctly one of her songs is about a women getting her clitoris removed without consent because that would "cure" her from her illness. So yeah, the songs were not happy, but soo good! And yes, this was what 14-year old me would also listen to :D

Me and my friend, who also listened to EA, made our doll-suicide-dance (age 14) to one of her songs, that tells about a woman being murdered by her love. 

----

This concludes the aesthetic I lived by when I was 13-14 y old. If I don't have anything more urgent to write about (like achievemt anxiety loool) then I will maybe continue with aesthetics when being 15-> year old.

Two failed plays

So this is kind of a continuation of the post where I shared some synopsises of my finished plays, but there's no such thing as a straight road without obstacles. I have to plays on which I've put lots of energy in, but both of them failed. They're not finished, and I won't finish them.

1. I am Evil.

A play I tried to write in English, mostly as part of the English course one must take in university, but my director read through my scenes, and gave me feedback, and I even performed at a theatre event with this script, but I never finished it because deep down I knew it would never ever work for the stage.

The play was very violent, as arms got chopped off, one character engraved her name into her arm with a knife and so forth, and I had created a universe too complex to ever fit on a stage. And the English was a problem too. Even if I'm fluent in English I'm no native and not free of mistakes. So I realized that I wasn't fit for writing such long works in English.

It was about a certain group of people that where less worth and the children got taken away and sold as slaves. The name "I am Evil" come from the common "fact" that all the children of this group were evil.


2. Unnamed play

This is a play that never even got a name.

It takes place in Iceland, year 800, during the viking age. Our main charcter is the servant and best friend of the next lord in their village, and the next lord is getting a wife (i.e a girl stolen from the father's pillage raids). The girl turns out to be a master of manipulating and she had a dark past I never figured out what is was to be. I wanted to make her into a witch, but never wrote long enough for the relevation scene. At the same time was our next lord's mum schizofrenic, but no one knew anything 'bout illnesses like that so everyone thought she was possessed or cursed.

It did, just like the last one, turn out too great for a stage, and I didn't, in the end, really know how the story would end, so I just ditched it.





Well, it really seems like I've got wild imagination, when reading the synopsises xD

Achievement anxiety part 2

Sorry. I'm so sorry you have to witness all of my stupid rambles once again, but I can't stay silent. None of my friends will ever ever understand so this blog is the closest thing I have to actually rant about things. This is me as a moron. Again. 

And it's yet again about achievement anxiety that I wrote hell of a long post about last but IT DOESN'T END THERE.

You see, a new web series called "So fucking good" (about achievement anxiety amongs young women) has just been released, and I watched the first episode out of four and I got so FURIOUS

So triggered. So angry.

The worst thing is that I don't even know why I'm angry. I don't know why I get angry at other people's anxieties?

I think it is as this all achievement anxiety has gotten the spotlight for media and art for the whole spring, I feel like this all anxiety has been normalized. Having achievement anxiety has become the norm among young women.

We're supposed to feel anxious about being perfect.

Something crawls inside of me, I become lit on fire when this discussion takes place. I get so mad.

I KNOW I SHOULD MIND MY OWN BUSINESS AND NOT PRY IN OTHER PEOPLE'S ANXIETY but when so much money is put on exploiting this issue.... äh. Yeah, yeah "i wished i had this content when i was 18 years old blablabla", they say.

I hate that this has become a norm. I dislike that this has become the becon of art and TV. It doesn't have to be this way. I don't like that we are portayed as weak girls constantly feeling not worthy. Because these programmes and whatnot makes it seem like all upper secondary school girls are dying under pressure. Are they, really?

From my experience as a teacher, it's only a few. They were all friends with each other, and thet fed each other with anxiety. Yes. They feed each other with it. And that's what I feel like programmes like these do. They feed us with the wrong stuff.


Why can't we teach girls and women to feel confortable without making the achievement anxiety the greatest issue of 2019? Cringe much.


Maybe you understand.

Plays plays plays

I've mentioned that I write plays and I thought I'd share some of  the synopsises here.

1. "The Other Side" (Andra sidan)

My first play, a short play, taking about 10-15 minutes. It's about a man and a woman who all of a sudden wake up in a waiting room, and they get to know they're dead and are waiting in line to choose between heaven or hell. They don't remember who they are, or why they died. By the end of the play they learned who they were and what sins they've committed.

2. "Seven pieces of Chalk" (Sju bitar krita)

My first full lenght play, this is around 2,5h in lenght. This particular play is not original by me, but a dramatization of a fanfiction (that I've written about like a year ago). The original is written by LadyCharity on fanfiction.net.

A boy (or in my dramatization; a girl) arrives in a new school, where one classmate just committed suicide weeks before. This boy (girl) takes upon the duty to find out what led this classmate to kill himself (or in my version; herself [I made them all girls instead of boys]).

My dramatization contains a lot of newbie mistakes. The dialogue needs to be fixed, and the play needs to be shortened to only 2h. Otherwise, it's very, VERY thrilling.

3. "The Shooting Star" (Stjärnfall)

My first full lenght play (1,5 h maybe?) that's all original by me. Our main charachter is a scientist, who lives in a society where science is sin and leads to a death sentence. Aaand to make things even more difficult for her, she's pregnant, and she prioritize her science over her unborn baby.

4. "The doctor recommended fresh air in the countryside" (Doktorn rekommenderade frisk luft ute på landet)

Hehe, this play is by date my only try at writing comedy. A man is depressed, buys a house to die in isolation in, but he doesn't know the house is haunted by seven demons. The demons are dissappointed in the man, because he doesn't have a will to live, and they need a healthy victim to live off (bc they're demons duh), and they decide to treat him, to make his mental health okay so they can suck his blood.

So the demons become the mans mothers and they make him slowly happy again, and by the end they're all friends lol. But there's also some ghost hunters that want to exorcise the house to get rid of the demons soo it's not all happy and joyful.

5. "Kiss of death" (Dödens kyss)

This is the play that made it the furthest, it got it's own show!!!!

I wont write about it here, because it'll get its own post. But yeah, this is mah baby. *emoji with hearts around it*



~~~~~~ Sooo, this was a few of my plays that I've written :)

Summetime sadness

lol thanks to my fiancé the automatic search when I press B into the search bar of the internet (to get to blogger to write onto here) is not blogger, but bagworm. So everytime I want to go to blogger I accidently search for bagworms instead lol thaaanxxx

Oh, I don't know where to start!

My job ended yesterday. Felt really sad for it, and I almost started to cry in the teachers' room, but I kept it together. I haven't cried yet over it, I'm just happy that I'm free (off work and stress) for a while.

We're up for summer. Feels amazing and sad at the same time, for reasons I talked about in my last post. Nothing will be the same after this summer.

Isn't there a song called Summertime Sadness?

I'm kind of numb at the moment, and I'm sure you notice that the last two posts haven't been coherent and that makes me annoyed but I can't form logical posts for now.

I just need to rest a little while, and then I'm up for writing all the interesting posts I've got for you! :)