This is something that I wrote quite a long time ago, but never dared to post. There's almost no one who knows this story about me, except the ones who were there and even they have their own point of view of what acutally happened back then. I am the only one with my story, my point of view of my behaviour. And if people now would know of this, they'd see me different. I am scared, I'm a coward. Who would tell this story to someone? Who would admit they'd been straight up insane? I haven't ever dared. Why would I ruin the picture people have of me?
But right now there's a campaign called #sekasin and it's about talking about mental illnesses and feeling bad. I have to jump on the band wagoon.
Once upon a time I met a friend who changed me. For the better of course.
Before I met her I was a nerv wreck, someone who found trust in knives, someone who relied on violence, someone who drowned in music to stop the pain.
When I was thirteen I hated the person I was, and I got really wild in school, tried sniffing, hit my head in walls, even cut myself sometimes and I was someone who was all alone when she waited for the bus.
People got scared of me, as I became violent and my patience didn't exist. I felt shame and failure. I found a safe heaven from the internet, where I spent all my nights. Watching anime, reading blogs, watching youtube and dreamt away.
I was fourteen when I met her. She got to know I was violent. I hit her a couple of times, she saw the knife and I was so angry with myself for treating someone so precious so badly. And she didn't leave.
She stayed by my side.
In a few months my anger eased. I didn't cut myself anymore, I didn't hit my head in walls and I felt like I had a good friend.
If she didn't become my friend when I was fourteen, worse thing than that could've happened.
