A video for all of you

Wow, this video hit pretty close to home. It never went as bad for me as for this girl in the video, but I have showed signs of this disorder when younger.

I wanted to break a bone soo badly, I wanted to ride an ambulance, I wanted to get hurt because it would feel good.

The reason the disorder never blossomed out for me was when I talked about my desires to get hurt to my mom when I was a kid (I must've been around ten or eleven). My mom cared and talked in great lenght about this with me, and to just get acknowledgement and to be seen without having to hurt myself, wow it saved me.

(later on I hurt myself for completely other reasons than attention).


I never got to the stages of actually hurting myself on purpose, but I dreamt about it, often. I was jealous of friends with broken bones.

I still sometimes dream about it, but rarely.

But as I've written on here before. I would love to have scars. Just have to find a way to get them.

Why did it come to this?

You have probably seen some lame jokes on IG that are similar to this:


Me when giving mental health advice to my friends: cue something extremely inspirational etc and a picture describing love and care

Me when handling my own mental health: cue someone getting kicked


I am so tired. Sad. Stressed. I would like to lock myself in and just listen to music. But I don't. I get up, do my work, try to be a good wife though I'm failing at it because I'm so wrecked, smile and laugh, sit in the tram, hate myself, rinse, repeat.

Why did it come to this?

Why have I fallen down into a pit of darkness again, after such a good autumn? I loved my life in the autumn, everything was so awesome.

Why do I sometimes vomit even if I'm not sick?

Why do my blood vessels leak even if I don't have a bruise?

Why do I feel so down all the time?

I don't want to feel so sad all the time.