This evening was not a good evening. Spend time crying and thinking about how "hated" I am in one of the communities I in. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I'm still part of this community and partly it is because I WANT to love this community.

Because everyone else loves it. People find their best friends, love and a meaningful time from there. People put down lots of time making this community a good place for as many of us as possible.

I find only anxiety and a feeling of being disliked.

And I KNOW they don't hate me. Not really. But the feeling, that fucking feeling of being hated and not being able to be someone they'd like is tearing me apart.

I try not to go there too often bc of this reason. There's only one friend who I trust in that place. Unlike everyone fucking else he wouldn't leave me.

But it's so hard.

So fucking hard.

It was just a dream

I dreamt last night that something weird was happening to me. I lost control.

I hold a knife in my hand and all of sudden I notice cut marks on my arm. They're old and the scars have risen and are all whited out. It looks... nasty.

It's like my mind is trying to tell me something and I cannot figure out what it is.

Feeling vs not feeling

I have thought a lot about one thing, and that is the difference between me when I was 13-15 and 16-18.

13-15 I felt a lot. Too much I'd say. Yes I felt rage and anger and sorrow and the feeling of being hated

but

also the feeling of happiness and the feeling of being in the right place right time, the feeling of having someone who likes you and I remember loving

and even if the latter one was more rarely it was still there. Secondary school wasn't throughout shit, I was the one who was made of shit. My brain and I.

16-18 I don't remember much. ¨

I hate not remebering a shit from upper secondary school. I remember mostly the bad stuff from that time period and now thinking about it, it feels like I solely remember the bad stuff.

The feeling of not having friends who likes you. The feeling of being at the wrong place the wrong time.

I can't remember being happy in upper secondary school. Yes, outside of school, I had hobbies I loved and I guess that was what saved me from going insane, but inside the school I can't remember feeling something.

I hate that it turned out that way.

Some good music

As the song progress, so does my (or well everyones?) feelings. Like this instumental piece of music make me feel something. I can't put a finger on it, not yet, though I've listened to this song for a year maybe.

About self harm

I am currently reading a study about self harming, the whole "culture" around it and so forth and yes I am triggered by it and no I have not cut myself even if I think about it sometimes.

But it feels like I have missed something, like, when I felt like the worst piece of shit ever I should've cut so much that I would've needed help, so I now can say "I was there and now I am strong enough to not to".

And I know feelings like these are wrong and stupid and if anyone got to know abt them I'd get so scared. Scared they'd label me as one of them.

THEM.

When I'm not angry

Somehow I have labeled this blog as something where I write everytime I am angry. Or when I'm feeling depressed. If we back a few years to the days when I wrote mostly in Swedish I also wrote about happy things, like funny things.

And then, about 1,5 years ago that changed, when my mental health kind of went crazy. Thinking back to those times scare me a bit, because I was suicidal at that point. Which makes no sense, because I was happy most of the time, but then, creeping from some very dark corner appeard the angry thoughts. And when I become angry, I become SO angry. It takes willpower to not destroy things, it DEMANDS willpower to not hit someone something. But nowadays I've manage  to control those angry thoughts.

And honestly, I AM angry at myself for becoming such. I used to be angry and sad when I was young, and then as I grew older it changed into anxiety and panic attacks. Now, I think it's over six months since I had the last panic attack, and two years since I cut myself on purpose with something sharp (which the last time was glass).

Now I don't get panic attacks anymore, but the anger comes back??? Please, do not make me an angry person again.

Oh, fuck I don't know what I wanted to say.

What I wanted to say was that, for example now, when I am not angry or depressed, and I want to write, what do I write about? I feel that this blog cannot be used in that sense anymore, it is already poisoned by angry thoughts.

The dream update

I haven't posted a dream for a long time. I have dreamt of course, but now I dreamt something that was hautingly real. This was the other night.

Well, as usual, I was an actress in a show at a Swedish zoo, and we put up Peter Pan. It was not the real Peter Pan, in the dream things were different and stuff.

But I portaited Smee (which to me is an amusing casting) and the thing I remember from the dream was that the pirates had captured Peter Pan and were going to execute him by hanging (which, for a boy that literally CAN FLY, is a very stupid idea tbh), and Smee (me) was the one to make him hang (by cutting some rope?)

The guy acting as Hook gave me the order to kill Pan, and I leaned forward to do so, but as I was going to make him hang I woke up.

No no no no

Someone I follow on tumblr just posted something that can be interpret as a suicide note. She said she has an expire date.

Now this person hasn't uploaded anything onto her tumblr for a loong while and I almost forgot I ever followed her in the first place.

I got a bit nervous, was she dead already? Went onto her instagram and she seems okay. No one hade commented anything on her latest picture that might hint to someone knowing what she wrote on tumblr.

Today I had anxiety and cried. And I came to think of that note, and felt something inside of me. Suicide. The art of killing oneself.

No.

No.

NO! I don't want to feel that way. no no no no.

My own horcruxes

I do have my own horcruxes.

I am talking about putting some part of my soul into something else, which in my case is characters. I create character where I literally put part of my soul into them. Because I have created these characters during a spawn of a few years they're my own. MY OWN.

I noticed the other day that most of my characters follow the same pattern. Now, don't laugh at me, I know how ridiculous this sounds but hear me out.

They follow kind of the same pattern. By this I mean the way their arch goes.

1) First they start somewhere. It can be from rock bottom, or from a stable ground.
2) Then something happens and they gain levels. I.e they get louder, the main story progresses as the character does something probably unwanted, or potentially dangerous stuff. They might also get agressive and/or dangerous.
3) At the peak point of the main story, the character breaks down/looses their power that they've gained during the story.
4) As the story ends, the character has lost the "war".

And I'm a sucker for these kind of characters. There is no shame in that.

minimalisM

I got to be honest now.

I hate the words minimalism and "stilrent" and what they stand for.

They stand for "the norm" and "the better" and I hate that. They stand for white white white beige beige beige gray gray gray black black black

No "abnormal" colours. No pinks, no blues, no neons!

They stand for "natural beauty" and "as few patters as possible".

Fuck that. Fuck it. I stand for everything that's NOT minimalism and white beige gray black.

Because I love colours, patters, madness ah everything.

The childhood

Listening to this song reminds me of my childhood. I used to LOVE Digimon, I am safe to say 5-year old me felt love/ attraction towards someone for the first time when watching Digimon.

I was "in love" with both Davis and Tai, and I felt attraction towards (don't laugh) Flamedramon. He was hot for a magical creature okay! And remember I was a child! :D

S P A C E

I am currently in a space bubble. Writing a play about a couple trying to get to space, set in a victorian/steampunk scandinavian/german society.

I am only listening to Nightwish getting more and more inspiration about it, thinking of Triss from Witcher 3 getting inspiration, use fury to write more and more and getting more and more hysterical about my universe and

and

I am getting sucked into myself.

I am stuck in a creative bubble where I can only think of characters I'm writing about, characters I act as, everything I can think of is related to fiction and something  N O T   R E A L

(I'm also thinking about my pony hihi)

I am in a bubble thinking about war, both medieval and ww II, thinking about injustice and death, thinking about fury and hate

and

I am everything right now. Fury, hate, death, anger, sorceress, mage, fighter, warrior, everything at once,

I want to dance
want to sing
want to scream
want to do so many things
I WANT TO ACT I WANT TO BE SOMEONE I AM NOT I WANT TO USE MY FURY, MY ENERGY, MY LOVE AND HATE

Are you the right one? No? Okay.

Not too long ago I posted a pic on instagram where I wrote lots about selflove and selfpositivity.

Not to be lying, but that covers nothing but half the truth. It comes in days, weeks, where I feel unstoppable, I feel like the best person in the whole world.

Notice that this has nothing to do with _body positivity_. I have _always_ liked my body. My face, my lips, my eye brows, my wrists, my hands, my legs, my stomach, my breasts, my chest you name it. Never have I wished for them to change.

But my god how I have had insecurities when it comes to my personality. I have loathed my personality, especially in gymnasiet. When I was younger I did everything to stand out and god I stood out, but then in gymnasiet everything fell apart. I tried becoming something I wasn't, hiding my personality behind iron bars, letting my supressed me out on special occasions when I knew nobody would judge me.

Your personality isn't something desirable. Your personality is wrong. Your body is beautiful, but your personality is at fault.

Goddamnit how I hated it! How I hated forcing myself into some kind of "one size fits all"-personality. Fuck that.

The older I get the more I realize how my personality is accepted. That people tell me I'm such an honest person, how they'll never forget me

That feels good.

Bucketlist for 2017

Well whatever, I'm allowed to do what I want, and that results in a bucket list for 2k17.

1. Get my kandi done. Become bachelor of arts 2017, yay! And I probably will!

2. Find a lot of new music to listen to.

3. Write a whole 2 hours script by myself.

4. Meet that one old friend.

5. Be madly in love.

6. Attend my close friend's wedding!

7. Write story #2! And maybe edit it. 54 000 words so far, only 50 000-ish left :D

8. Attend Ylonz 2k17.

9. Party like a tiger with one particular friend.

10. Be with my pony as much as possible :)

11. Pick up drawing and painting again.

12. Avoid anxiety/ stress/ depression.