My chest is burning

My chest is burning

and the thing that is burning in there is anger and dissapointment at the same time. I manage to control myself but it burns, it burns so much.

I am ofc disappointed in myself. That I am the way I am. I only manage to hurt people, I'm hurtful and stupid.

I did scratch the skin on my arm a few weeks ago. I found a glass shard (everytime I find a glass shard I need to scratch/cut myself), but I was very careful not to break the skin. I don't want anyone to see such disturbing behaviour.

What's good with scratches is that they disappear within an hour, and the pain is moderate. And I still get to see something on my skin, something... dangerous and unwanted. Something that gets my adrenaline pumping.

A hero of war

One of the children I'm working with (13y old) said last time to me: "If we were at war, I want to be on your side. You'd lead us to victory".

Yesterday at a party one of my male friends said to me: "You'd fit perfectly in the army. You've got the attitude for that".

I am honesty quite honored to hear that people see me as a strong leader/follower in _war situations_. I didn't join the military, and I have ofc no experience of war, but still.

The strong war-esque female is however just one dimension of who I am. For some I just show that side, for others I show a variety of sides. But it's still me.

Not dying

Hey.

Lot of things are better now.

I visited the place I will be "working" at now during spring and it seems more promising than I feared, way better and... safer.

They arranged things so I won't be stressed to death, and man, they were so NICE. And silly me was afraid I would slowly suffocate, but maybe I won't. The springs seems so much more friendly towards me now.

I have had time to relax, sleep, enjoy my horse and lots more. I have friends who love me and friends I can talk to.

So, yeah. Life is not that bad. I am bad sometimes, and to be blunt, I think I need to be bad to remain myself. As strange as it sounds.

Remorse

I remember back when I was... 13/14, I was a part of a theatre association which I loved dearly and had many friends in. You could say I was one of the "cool" kids, though it feels ridiculous to say it out loud. Or, well, we where like seven teens there (and some children and some adults) and there was one girl I couldn't stand.

She was weird. I was constantly irritated at her, and... oh god it's so embarrasing I want to vomit, I "bullied" her. Or in the end, I don't know how she felt, but she can't have felt good. Seeing her being "weak" in my eyes gave me permission to make fun of her. I thought. I had power over her and I was the strong one, the loud one and I thought she sucked at acting.

Thinking back I think she was just avarege. And I am so embarrased by this. Giving her evil gazes, ridicule her... I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have.

I sometimes check her instagram and she seems to have a wonderful life. She has many many friends, and to be honest, I am suprised at what perfect life she seems to have. Because back when we were teens, she seemed to only have one friend. She's grown up to be a beautiful woman and that somehow makes me feel even worse for what I did to her.

I feel bad when checking her IG. Because I know I purpously wanted her to know that she had no friends, or that she won't ever have friends because she's too weird.

I will never ever ask for forgiveness. I don't want to bring it up. We're not friends on any social media, so why would I remind her of this asshole, who thought she was the better actress and therefore was entitled to make others feel bad about themselves?

This is my punishment. To forever have a sting of bad conscience when I check her IG.