Oh wow, a part 3 I never planned to make. I planned to leave my sexualiy-stuff in autumn 2018 with that one messy two parter, but here I am with part three.
Do you know Dan Howell? Dan as in Danisnotonfire (on YT)? Cute guy, funny content.
He made the other day a really long video where he came out as gay, and the history behind his reasonings for being closeted for such a long time, even from his own parents. He's 28. He came out this year to his parents. He was closeted for like 15 years, and had a really horrifying past being bullied, and having friends that threatned to burn down his tent while he sleeps in it during a festival (like wtf??) because his friends knew he was not straight.
Anyways, it was a really touching video. Like I almost, almost started to cry while watching it. I felt so sad for him, and at the same time so proud that he finally felt safe to tell the world the truth.
This video kind of forced me to revisit and reprocess that summer, 2014, when I was in love with a person of my own sex.
I remember that this girl once asked me if I'm straight. I laughed and said yes. She answered something along the lines of this:
"Oh, I thought you were a lesbian. Or atleast bi. You dress and behave like a lesbian."
I was not hurt at all by this, I just laughed it away. And a few weeks later, when I realized that I infact wanted something more than just friendship, she started to slip through my fingers. She'd met another girl that she became interested in. She came out to me, and I was happy for her finding her own sexuality, while I just stepped into the closet again. It would have felt like SUCH a failure telling her "hey you were right all along, I dress and behave like a queer person, I like you! Oh, but fuck, you're not interested in me, sorry, can I still get a kiss?"
She told me when she had sex with a girl the first time and I was so jealous. This was a person I liked and wanted a relationship with, and I just ruined my chance day after day, and I couldn't confront her with my feelings. I didn't want to.
I'd rather be straight with relationships with men that actually work, than live longing after a girl I can't get because she finds girl after girl to be interested in, everyone except me. Of course I was jealous as fuck.
I couldn't stand it when the autumn came, when she had a whole network of gay friends and a girl she had a thing with. I did not want to stay at the side watching her be happy when I couldn't get her, so I turned to men instead.
Half a year later I found my soon to be husband.
Days like these I think back to my huge crush on her. My feelings for her are treasured in a little box I like to open once in a while and then close it again and put it on a shelf with my other past relationships.
To this day she doesn't know I liked her. No one knows I fancied her. But it's okay. I have my love and she has hers. It's okay.
But I'm so happy for Dan Howell for overcoming his fears
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