Self reflection 1 out of I don't know how many *cry laugh emoji*

Ouh yeah, a post I was pondering for a while and well voilá

Self reflection

age 5-10

The neighbours where I used to live as a child had only boys. Also girls, but they were either too young or too old for me. So I played a lot with boys as a small child, age 5-6. I loved it, it was a wild ride that surely shaped me a lot into the person I am. I almost never ever played with dolls or princesses, but with dinosaurs (oh god I LOVED my toy dinosaurs) and all my dinosaurs were male except two. I also played a lot with toy animals. I was that animal girl okay, not a princess.

And "role plays" in day care were also my favourite. We used to play Peter Pan and Lion King for the most part. And during Peter Pan, guess who was Pan himself? I was. And during Lion King? I was always Scar. Because I wanted to. Because I loved to act as the bad guy. EVEN AS A LITTLE GIRL I LOVED ACTING THE BAD GUY (those are my favourite favourite to act as).

I found a best friend in school, with whom I had a kinda poisonous relationship with. And I was the poisonous one. I HAD to establish dominance as much as possible. We had a game, where we had to throw ourselves to the ground (which hurts ofc) and I laughed at her when she was afraid to hurt herself. I saw it as a sign of weakness to be afraid of pain (sick ikno)

I also had to be in front of her when skiing. We did skiing a lot when we were like nine-ten and I had to lead, otherwise I got completely mad. And when we went swimming, I sometimes tried to get her underwater against her will.

It hurts to write this down. Because I realize how shitty of a friend I have been as a child. No wonder that she left me later.

I just try to reflect over some parts of my life, my personality, no matter how much I wish that I would just be a good person. It's so hard. I have fought so hard to become a nice, decent person, because, news flash, I wasn't born good. I don't think so.

I have loved the bad guys, always. I wanted to become like Scar, and I purpously hurt the one playing Mufasa.

I have unknowingly hurt a friend during many years, because I was the dominant one and I showed it sometimes in cruel manners.

The memories of this pains me. It truly pains me. But I have to go through this to come over everything.

Until next time, when I reflect over 11-12 years of age.