Self reflection 3 part 2

I write this now so there won't be too long between the parts.

When my ex broke up with me, I saw the perfect chance to change myself towards what I wanted. I started doing make up. The darker the better. The more black eyeliner the better. I wore clothes that are considered emo or scene. The girls in my class thought I looked bad, probably. What did I care. I had my fashion I loved and my music. Power metal music.

My new friend introduced me to her other friends. And it was the best thing that could happen to me at that point. I found a few more friends, and one of them liked the same music as I. Oh, god, how WONDERFUL IT WAS TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT SHARES YOUR MUSIC TASTE LIKE SERIOULSY. Ok, moreover, I started to feel a little better.

There was one more thing that made me feel better, and that was anime. I was addicted to my computer (no friends outside of school, I spent easily 6h on my pc everyday) and used to watch anime on it. I really loved it. It kind of helped me feel less alone.

I found a way of controlling my desire to hurt myself and to hurt others. Art. I wrote stories about young girls committing murders, so I could still live the fantasy. I simulated blood and cuts on myself (I had lots of nose bleeds during that time, and I kind of "collected" the blood and smeared it on myself so it would look like my arms/hands bled). I drew pictures of people committing suicide by hanging.

But on the outside everything seemed okay. And seventh grade was about to end! I felt happiness!

Until....

The town I lived in had bad economy at this point and they decides to cut money from the schools. And by doing that, my school handled it by removing one class from my year. So the students from the broken-to-be class wouldn't feel alone, my school decided to make up new classes for everyone in my year.

Let me repeat: THEY WERE GOING TO MIX US INTO NEW GROUPS.

And when I found out which one was my new class for 8-9 grade, I was about to pass out from panic. My only friend from my old class was transferred to another. I had no one in my new class. The only people I knew that were going to share classrooms with me hated me. The other ones were strangers to me.

I was at the verge of a breakdown. It couldn't be true. All my effort to get a friend from my class was thrown away like it ment nothing to cold business men thinking about money.

I told my mother that I wasn't going to school in the autumn if my friend wasn't on my class. She called the headmaster and asked if I could join her in the new class. It didn't go through. I was sure, I wasn't going to this school anymore if I had to be all alone again. I wanted to switch school to one in the capital. It didn't work.

I wanted to die. I was left all alone again. I was hated, I had no one, I was desperate.

I experienced my first panic attack that spring. I cried uncontrollably that day and almost passed out.

The last day of school was spent crying. I didn't want to see my friend leave to another class. I didn't want to be alone. Please.


Sooo, nice seventh grade, huh?

The next self reflection will be about 8-9 grade. Probably split in two parts. See you then.