The true stories of my heart

Hi.

Lately I've been wanting to write more about myself. Anonymous of course, but I want to write to get perspective of stuff.
And I kind of like blogging.
I like expressing myself, even if it is about tough subjects.
I like being honest and tell stuff I feel people don't want to listen to.

I once had a friend (well technically we're still friends but haven't met in over a year) who knew me through a hobby, from where she got the impression that I am a very difficult person to get close to. She still suggested we'd go out for a coffee, and I became very happy that she did that, because I "was interested" in her. We became friends very quickly , and she was the first friend I opened myself to, like for real.

Later she told me that I disproved all her suspicions, and that I in fact was very easy to get close to.

And the stuff I told her lies still between us. I don't feel like trusting anyone else the same way anymore, even though I've got wonderful, wonderful friends. There is one friend I could tell, but as I've said many times on this blog, I hate talking about stuff like that about myself nowadays. Maybe it has to do with me getting older, I was 18 when I told this friend all those stuff, and I'm soon 23. Maybe because I'm not "healed". Maybe I started writing more actively on this blog because I feel like I need to get things off my chest without actually having to talk to a real human.

And I also know why I opened so much to her back in 2014. Because I had a bad period that time with anxiety no one knew about, I had very bad conscience about one thing I did as a teenager, I experienced panic attacks and I felt the most alone in my entire life, and I withheld a lot of angst for the sake of art,

and I knew I'd soon explode if I didn't tell anyone and when she asked me out for a coffee I knew immediatly that she was one I could tell, because she had seen me do acting. Acts of my true self, about my true self, covered in art and characters, and she could probably guess that person I was.

I remember that I even wrote a script about which things to tell her, and I rehearsed it many times before we met outside the hobby because my self-esteem didn't allow me to just ramble about all of the things on my chest.

Now that we're not in touch anymore all kind of feelings are piling up again. It's over four years since I opened up to a friend. Maybe it's time to do it again.

But before I wait for the opportunity to tell, I can interpose here that I love listening to when other friends are telling their troubles to me. Makes me feel less alone.



(also, wow, I actually wanted to write about how much I like to sing, but the post turned out to something completely else)