Unlovable

I'm kind of struggling atm. Love is all around me, but I'm struggeling to feel loved. I ask my fiance daily if he truly loves me, and he answers politely that he does. Why would he want to marry me if he didn't love me?

It feels like I'm unlovable. This is a feeling that have stuck since I was 14 I think? When you're fourteen you undergo a "confirmation" in church if you want to get married in church and whatnot, and almost everyone from my school did this. You're on a camp and learn religious stuff and then get blessed by god in front of your relatives. People usually like this, and thinks it's the best camp they've ever been on and so on.

I hated it.

We had a booklet were we wrote stuff we'd learned from the church-stuffs and I remember writing: "jesus doesn't love everybody". I wonder to this day what the priest thought after they read that.

But thinking back, I think I actually ment "jesus can't love me" = I am unlovable.

I hated the thought of everyone being loved, because I hated myself. It makes sense now! I was an angry mess during the camp and the church hasn't seen me ever since.

When my fiance and I had been a couple for some months I asked him if he'd cry if I died. He said yes, of course, and I was honestly startled. I had _hand on my heart_ believed he would not cry. Because, again, somewhere deep uncouncious, I still believe I am unlovable.

Please, let this feeling go away. I want to feel the same love everybody else feel!