A grey fog and a black rim

We had our first show last week! God it was intense. I was acting six days in a row, for the previews and everything.

I leave home a little after 16, arrive a little bit after 17, and the show starts at 18:30. The show ends at 22. I am home around 23. That's a full work day.

I've got a master to write, school to attend, and a horse to take care of during the days.

Trying to write a play that's going to shit, and writing a new novel on top of that.





I was close to relapsing last week.

Oh fuck how scared I became, because the feeling that was slowly creeping up to me was so everlasting similar to how I began feeling when at my lowest point 2016, which I've written in quite detail here before (scroll back to last spring or so and you get it all).

I never want to feel the same way I felt in 2016. I was so suicidal and to that acting was the best fucking thing happening to me. It's true. Acting was better than having a boyfriend.

In the autumn I felt better than I've done in the longest time ever. That's why I didn't write so much here, because this blog was defiled with negative feelings and I didn't feel them. I was close to manic during the autumn, I was the most creative I've been ever and now in hindsight, it was almost sick.

If the dip from that manic period was greater I would've started to suspect bipolar disorder, because I was so high on everything. Especially my own fantasy universe.

My relationship was taking a toll from that period. I neglected my husband (then fiancé) because my fantasy universe was more important. I used to be active on snapchat, but suddenly I realised I hadn't checked it for days. I was shocked when checking insta stories, which I used to follow hourly, and I realise some of them are 23 hours old. I hadn't simply checked IG all day.

I became slightly worried, because nothing in my real life did all of a sudden matter. My own fantasy universe was everything to me. I was so high on it I became almost detached from reality.

My wedding was heavy for me. I loved it of course, but because I had been so detached from reality planning for it was a pain in the ass. Thinking about the future is and was very hard for me. I lived so hardcore in the present that planning a wedding was very difficult for me. I don't like planning and I grew very frustrated, especially during January. That was the same time the acting rehersals began multiple times a week and my manic period turned into something similar to depression (wow I really sound like a bipolar person when writing it down).

I forgot to tell people important details. I neglected stuff, I couldn't focus.

I loved the wedding. Such a wonderful day.

And after the wedding, this tired feeling never left. And when I had been acting for six days in a row, and was so exhausted, my anxiety came back.

The stress. The fucking stress/anxiety and darkness.

I don't know what to do. I've gotten lost again.