The dream update

I haven't posted a dream for a long time. I have dreamt of course, but now I dreamt something that was hautingly real. This was the other night.

Well, as usual, I was an actress in a show at a Swedish zoo, and we put up Peter Pan. It was not the real Peter Pan, in the dream things were different and stuff.

But I portaited Smee (which to me is an amusing casting) and the thing I remember from the dream was that the pirates had captured Peter Pan and were going to execute him by hanging (which, for a boy that literally CAN FLY, is a very stupid idea tbh), and Smee (me) was the one to make him hang (by cutting some rope?)

The guy acting as Hook gave me the order to kill Pan, and I leaned forward to do so, but as I was going to make him hang I woke up.

No no no no

Someone I follow on tumblr just posted something that can be interpret as a suicide note. She said she has an expire date.

Now this person hasn't uploaded anything onto her tumblr for a loong while and I almost forgot I ever followed her in the first place.

I got a bit nervous, was she dead already? Went onto her instagram and she seems okay. No one hade commented anything on her latest picture that might hint to someone knowing what she wrote on tumblr.

Today I had anxiety and cried. And I came to think of that note, and felt something inside of me. Suicide. The art of killing oneself.

No.

No.

NO! I don't want to feel that way. no no no no.

My own horcruxes

I do have my own horcruxes.

I am talking about putting some part of my soul into something else, which in my case is characters. I create character where I literally put part of my soul into them. Because I have created these characters during a spawn of a few years they're my own. MY OWN.

I noticed the other day that most of my characters follow the same pattern. Now, don't laugh at me, I know how ridiculous this sounds but hear me out.

They follow kind of the same pattern. By this I mean the way their arch goes.

1) First they start somewhere. It can be from rock bottom, or from a stable ground.
2) Then something happens and they gain levels. I.e they get louder, the main story progresses as the character does something probably unwanted, or potentially dangerous stuff. They might also get agressive and/or dangerous.
3) At the peak point of the main story, the character breaks down/looses their power that they've gained during the story.
4) As the story ends, the character has lost the "war".

And I'm a sucker for these kind of characters. There is no shame in that.

minimalisM

I got to be honest now.

I hate the words minimalism and "stilrent" and what they stand for.

They stand for "the norm" and "the better" and I hate that. They stand for white white white beige beige beige gray gray gray black black black

No "abnormal" colours. No pinks, no blues, no neons!

They stand for "natural beauty" and "as few patters as possible".

Fuck that. Fuck it. I stand for everything that's NOT minimalism and white beige gray black.

Because I love colours, patters, madness ah everything.

The childhood

Listening to this song reminds me of my childhood. I used to LOVE Digimon, I am safe to say 5-year old me felt love/ attraction towards someone for the first time when watching Digimon.

I was "in love" with both Davis and Tai, and I felt attraction towards (don't laugh) Flamedramon. He was hot for a magical creature okay! And remember I was a child! :D

S P A C E

I am currently in a space bubble. Writing a play about a couple trying to get to space, set in a victorian/steampunk scandinavian/german society.

I am only listening to Nightwish getting more and more inspiration about it, thinking of Triss from Witcher 3 getting inspiration, use fury to write more and more and getting more and more hysterical about my universe and

and

I am getting sucked into myself.

I am stuck in a creative bubble where I can only think of characters I'm writing about, characters I act as, everything I can think of is related to fiction and something  N O T   R E A L

(I'm also thinking about my pony hihi)

I am in a bubble thinking about war, both medieval and ww II, thinking about injustice and death, thinking about fury and hate

and

I am everything right now. Fury, hate, death, anger, sorceress, mage, fighter, warrior, everything at once,

I want to dance
want to sing
want to scream
want to do so many things
I WANT TO ACT I WANT TO BE SOMEONE I AM NOT I WANT TO USE MY FURY, MY ENERGY, MY LOVE AND HATE

Are you the right one? No? Okay.

Not too long ago I posted a pic on instagram where I wrote lots about selflove and selfpositivity.

Not to be lying, but that covers nothing but half the truth. It comes in days, weeks, where I feel unstoppable, I feel like the best person in the whole world.

Notice that this has nothing to do with _body positivity_. I have _always_ liked my body. My face, my lips, my eye brows, my wrists, my hands, my legs, my stomach, my breasts, my chest you name it. Never have I wished for them to change.

But my god how I have had insecurities when it comes to my personality. I have loathed my personality, especially in gymnasiet. When I was younger I did everything to stand out and god I stood out, but then in gymnasiet everything fell apart. I tried becoming something I wasn't, hiding my personality behind iron bars, letting my supressed me out on special occasions when I knew nobody would judge me.

Your personality isn't something desirable. Your personality is wrong. Your body is beautiful, but your personality is at fault.

Goddamnit how I hated it! How I hated forcing myself into some kind of "one size fits all"-personality. Fuck that.

The older I get the more I realize how my personality is accepted. That people tell me I'm such an honest person, how they'll never forget me

That feels good.