Oh wow, is it a new post by me after like three months of radio silence? This post will be just like my posts about achievement anxiety from one year back where I yelled into the void of the internet, please let me do it again.
If you wonder where I've been, I've been living mostly inside my head again (and my apartment because corona. Nothing spectacular.). The walls were thick and I was trapped. Don't know if I'm out my head yet, but for now, I just needed to get stuff out of me. Heh. But I've been feeling up and down lately, mostly up, almost always up. Writing really helps.
Anyways.
This post is mainly introspection of why writing.... comes so easy to me? Why I'm feeling proud of my writing. Maybe it is a personality issue, maybe it's a thing completely from training and practise, maybe it's an issue fed by outsiders, i don't know. If you read my posts from the autumn where I wrote this post and ranted about one of the best fics I've read being deleted and became really upset by it, this is kinda similar.
The enormous, overwhelming feelings I feel when other (fan)writers put themselves down and go through waves of insecurity (and even delete their stories) have proven to me something I can't control. It feels almost like a stab in my own heart. I don't know why, and I can't control it. I get frustrated when I can't relate at all to their feelings and I know feelings are ALL individual but... I still can't stop. And I feel weird for not feeling insecure. I made some deep thinking about my past and my relationship to writing and creating stories and this is the solution I came to.
Let me take it from the beginning.
The drive to creating stories, at least to the extend when you've been writing every day since you were like eight years old, is a personality trait. It has to be a personality thing.
I began writing when I was very young. And, yes, I admit it, I do have talent. I have that raw talent that has what it takes to make a good story and ever since I was a little kid, I finished the stories. Not all of course, because what isn't childhood if not having a thousand ideas to bring to life - multiple stories at the same time.
But one thing I finished when I was ten/eleven was a "book" that was 50 pages long. And I brought a whole story full circle. Each chapter has a little story in it, and it was essentially 25 smaller stories connected by one great narrative of a village where horses lived and ruled (I was ten don't judge me).
Is it a skill? Is it talent to be able to sense your way through a story and just knowing where it's going and how it will end? I don't know.
Okay, a middle note here about sharing your own creative writing. It's hard. Sharing your texts is generally hard. But not for me, because I know I am good. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? I've always known I'm good - always gotten praise, always gotten the validation I need, always gotten constructive feedback. Never have I ever doubted my own skill in creating a story. I wrote a little bit more about me being proud of my fanfic writing here.
And now I've begun feeling guilty for feeling that. It's hard.
Why have I never feared bearing that part of my soul and identity? I know my stories are generally heavy and I know they will get some kind of reaction, both good and bad (because some people simply doesn't stomach my stuff), and just that fact has been enough for me. I've gotten a reaction from people. It feeds me.
When I was twelve, I got a prize for my creative writing in school. The whole school and all the parents were watching. I can't remember the exact words the headmaster said, but he praised me a lot. I got praise for my writing. It felt so damn good. I was so proud and I was beaming.
But strangely enough, this didn't ignite good girl syndrome in me (which I've written a lot about a year back here). I've never felt "oh, just because I once was good - what if I'll never get this good again. I must write just as good as the last text/story" etc. Because the horrible truth? I know my next story or text will be just as good at the last one.
Is this a personality trait or is it just because I've done so much damn writing over the past decade that I simply know my own writing and myself so well that I also believe damn hard in my own skills.
These skills have of course been polished and trained over the years. Trained by re-writing a novel four times, trained by finishing said novel four times. Trained by writing five full length theatre plays.
The people who have read my novel have been astounded and showered me in praise. The audience to my play which was produced loved it. It scared the crap out of them, which I was happy about because that was what I aimed for.
All my life I've gotten validation. And I have believed in them. I've known they were coming. Never have I thought "oh the audience is lying to me, it probably sucks". I have looked at my texts and smiled and thought "this is so fucking good".
When I wrote about good girl-syndrome, I was mainly frustrated that I was different and don't have achievent anxiety (which *everyone* was talking about back in 2019 and I got angry at all the discussions because I couldn't understand them that well). I wrote a long rant about achievement anxiety here.
All my life women/girls/creators/every damn box I can tic been portrayed as the anxious mess. It's always about girls and young women "having too much pressure" on themselves, either by themselves or by society/standards and how can we make them feel happy, and no, I try to by no means undermine their feelings, but I have gotten so many dirty looks in real life for feeling pride and for being myself. For being secure, for loving my body, for loving the way I look and sound and speak and everything and I know people can't stand me for being that way so why would I like myself for it? This is a great dilemma for me, because two feelings crash badly.
"Being different" makes me frustrated because I don't know how to tackle it. It should be a good thing, I should be all good because I don't feel insecure like ever, especially not in my writing. I love everything I write. I love writing, that is why I do it.
And when I hear other people talk ill about their own writing I empathize too much and too hard. I wrote a post about what it takes to be a good writer here and to this day I still don't know the answer.
Talent, spite, training, personality?
I still don't know.
But I have now lost my original thought and just had to get stuff out of my chest. I just wish I would be as happy as I was before. But I am happy overall. I just wish I can feel happy about being happy.
Inga kommentarer:
Skicka en kommentar