aaaaaahh

I hate having winter depression. Or whatever this is to be called. I hate Januaries and Februaries, because according to statistics, this is the third January and February I want to skip because the inside of me is dying.


I have almost no energy left. I feel anger, and all my energy goes to being angry. I was close to freak out at my work and I felt the need to be silent, because else I would've hurt someone.

I am so tired. Of everything. Of people. Of waking up. Of DOING STUFF. Of going to school.

And yet I do all of those things without whining. I smile to people and talk with respect, even when the inside of me want to strangle that person. I wouldn't ever skip a lesson because I'm tired. I wouldn't skip my job or my pony or anything because I'm tired. I have a good discipline on myself.

Like when I was 16-18 I never EVER let myself sleep for a second efter the first and only alarm sounded.

Discipline. Discipline yourself. Don't freak out. Don't be a freak. Don't let them know.

Accept this. Accept yourself in silence. Be silent. Don't shout at them. Don't shout at yourself. Don't harm yourself. Don't sleep. Or sleep. I don't want to sleep more than necessary. Sorry, wrong brain.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Cry. In silence. Don't let them know. This is a secret. Between us. Who? The ghost of my brain, and I. We. We are one.

Talk. Talk to them. Tell them. I know.