A dream and aching longing (long post)

This is a long post, but every word written here is written by pure honesty and... sorrow I guess. This is... such a sensitive topic for me, but one of the most important and delicate parts of my soul. I wish you read all of it.

I dreamt that I was again the theatre school which I used to work for. The teenagers were there, and my ex co-worker/teacher. We had some weird fluid improvisation in a big hall were I was the last one to perform in front of the others. There were probably around 30 people there watching.

I don't know where I got my idea from, but I acted as someone who got their foot nailed to the wall (as in a big ass nail through the whole foot) and then someone continued to saw my leg off. This was all acting, no one sawed my leg off for real, but I screamed and writhed like a worm and tried to catch the essence of someone getting their fucking leg sawed off.

It turned out I succeded in convincing everyone I was in monstrous pain, because it was dead silence after I finished my impro. Then my co-worker/teacher came up to me on stage, she said nothing, only smiled widely. A warm smile. And then she gave me a hug. A hug that said "I know. I know why you do all these things. You're good at it, you really are. I'm proud of you."

The dream was not far from the truth either. I remember two things she said/did actually during this spring.

1) I asked her to do a play on my own, even if I had the chance to work with others. I don't know why I asked it, but I did. And I didn't know what to do before just walking up on the stage, and showing them a puking man with a hangover in jail after he had killed his wife. Yeah.

And after everyone left, with only me and my co-worker, she turned to me and said: "That was really good. Like really, really good", with such genuine honesty that it made my whole evening. I even posted a thing about it on Snapchat, I was that happy.

2) We worked with monologues a bit during the spring. I got to do the stuff too. We chose a short monologue, had 10 minuted to rehearse the thing and then show them to the rest. While most of the teenagers focused those 10 minutes on remembering the words, I used the 10 minutes differently. I remember the lines really fast, so I had plenty of time to think about my actions.

So when it was my turn, I gave them a show. It wasn't just me telling them my monologue (like everyone else did), it was me showing them what I'm capable of. I threw a glance at my teacher/co-worker during my performance and she smiled while writing feedback. Warmly. Broadly. A smile that said: "Wow. You really do your stuff well. I didn't expect anything less that this from you and you delivered. Thank you."

My co-worker/teacher was really careful though with giving me too positive of feedback . She knew I was good, she knew I aimed high so she was ever so strict with my performances. I think I got negative feedback most of the times, because she knew I could take it and she knew I appreciated it, and it was pretty obvious that she was much nicer to the teenagers, even when they did stuff badly. So when I got only positive feedback, I knew that I'd outdone myself.

Is this my mind telling me I'm starting to miss this job? I miss being at my wildest, my most manic state of mind, fuck, I miss giving my all in acting. I fucking miss it. I miss the teenagers and I miss my co-worker. She was one stability in my life, she KNEW me a way few adults did, and she never let me down.

While I've been working full time I've not had time to actually reflect this big aching whole in my mind, the weeks pass at such a fast pace that I don't even remember that Mondays used to be work day.

But my mind does. My subconscious remembers each time I felt happiness. In the midst of suicidal thoughts during winter -16 acting and that place, and those people were one of my reasons to fight. I must live to the next Monday, to the next acting performance. Because that was life, MY LIFE. My life line.

Fuck, I miss it so horrendously.

I remember when I accepted my full time job in a different city 90 km from the city this theatre was, I cried because I didn't want to stop working at the theatre. I made a promise to myself, I will make it. I promised myself to work there until I got my Master Thesis done, and/or got a child.

And now it's just gone?? My Master Thesis is still undone, not even started on. I don't have a child. But my job is gone, it's GONE.

I have accepted the fact that my job is gone. That I won't ever again feel the same pure euphoria or mania. That I won't revisit my alter ego.

I feel broken. Acting has been for 15 years part of my life. This is the first time in 9 years I have a paus from acting.

I am broken.