December used to give me pain

I've always known that I get anxious around New Year, but I wasn't prepared for the full blown crying attack that unfolded when my fiancé asked what we should do on New Years Eve. All flashbacks from different emotional trauma from New Years Eve backlashed at me.

Or "emotional trauma". I don't know if I'm allowed to use that word. I've never been abused during New Year or so, but my friends made sure I knew they disliked me during New Year.

I was fifteen when I attended my first New Years party, and drank alcohole, and it was fun! That was a good year. But as soon as I got older the anxiety grew.

It was always such FIGHTING to get to a party, to not be totally alone. Being all alone on New Years Eve would be too strong a confirmation that I don't have any real friends. No one wanted to celebrate with me, I always had to force myself into other people's parties to cover my own fear of being lonely.

The worst was when I was 18. My "friends", the ones I had celebrated the last New Year with, announced that "they'd already planned everything and sadly I cannot join them".

Oh, fuck, that shit hurted. I was already hurt and anxious and fucking sad that year, and this was one of the biggest contribution to why I now hate my old friend from upper secondary school. They left me. Hate is a strong word, but I think that if we'd ever meet again I'd let them know they were pieces of shits.

I was saved by my best friend from secondary school. We celebrated New Year the two of us and had fun. I posted one pic onto IG, and the one friend I think had bad conscience about leaving me outside commented something of the lines like "you seem to have  fun <3"

Yeah, not thanks to you.

And the New Year when I was 19. I had started university, but was still too uncertain to ask someone for New Year. I asked the one I saw as my best friend, but she said she already had plans out on the country side. "you can come if you want, I guess no one cares", she said. I declined. I didn't want to force myself onto their party, where I'd probably end up with panic attacks.

Stab.

I joined another party, or asked if I could join. There were only four other people, and it was great. I had fun.

But there's always that sense of lonliness in your chest. The knowledge that no one wants to celebrate New Years with you, that people are with you because school forces you to. Those two New Years caused so much destruction in my mind. I'm not worthy as a friend. I'm not likable.

The last three New Years have been secured. I've not had to fight for a place to stay, but I'm yet horribly anxious.

And only one simple, friendly question about New Years Eve caused me to cry for ages.