Yo Merry Christmas

There will be a blog post later this week about this year as an active "blogger", but for now there's a few things to conclude:

-my mental wellbeing has worsened during this year. This is the first Christmas in my life that I've spent with active anxiety. It started on the 22:nd. Will probably end the 26:th, when all is over. Right now my mind can't comprehend expectations. Both my own and other's expectations are too much for me, and I turn into this crying mess that am I at the moment.

- i just try to stand my mind, though I'm well aware that it has worsened. I hate it of course. I try to ignore it. Talking about it makes it real. I don't want it to be real. I try to talk with my fiancé about it, but he just doesn't get it, and that makes my own feelings more negatively engaged in the mess, and I don't like when that happens, so I'd rather drown my own anxiety and feelings in myself.

- talking makes it real. writing makes it understandable. that's why i rather write than talk. i don't like talking about it.



other than the fcking anxiety part, the Christmas has been good.