I'm feeling so frustrated with the theatre group I'm in right now. We've been doing absolutely nothing for one month. One month of "practise", and it's all been sheit. I feel like I'm the only one knowing any
That doesn't mean that the other ones are bad actors! No, no, no, the few things I've seen them do has been absolutely legit and interesting, but this is the problem. The "few" things. We haven't done acting at all! We've talked and talked and talked for 2 hours out of the 3 hours practise, and discussed plans that the director anyways already has decided about and a lot of the older members ride on inside jokes.
I realize that I take a lot of place. I force myself to take place, because I want to be noticed. This project feels like a ship put together with silver tape. Hell, even the small productions I did with eleven children out in the country side felt more put together and professional than this.
I'm so frustrated, but at the same time I force myself to adapt. I can't get what I want everytime. I must let other people have their opinions. But fuck, they like discussing philosofical questions (we talked for quite some time about the myth that actors are broken inside) but can we even call ourselves actors if we don't do FUCK WHEN WE'RE SUPPOSED TO???
I just don't get what the point is when all they talk is about what we're going to do when we don't do anything.
I want to ACT. I want to.... FUCK, I WANT WHAT I HAD BEFORE
I want this to be 2016 again. When I had my old job. The kids were fine, the teenagers wonder, wonder, wonderful, I had the best coworker/boss, and I found myself and worked out who I was in companionship with acting and now that I want to act someone is keeping it away from my hands, out of reach, and I'm frustrated.
Yes, we can talk about Turkka and all the theatre myths but nothing matters if... I... can't... do... what I went there to do.
I am so fucking selfish, for being the way I am.
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