Living in a grey world

This fall is absolute, utterly, undenyingly SHIT.

My dog died.

Then my mum almost died.

I've fallen into my own fantasies really hard, and reality is not really a concept in my world anymore. I hide in my own head.

I have acting in my life again, but it has not been the way it used to be. Back in the days, Mondays (or theatre day) was the best day of the week. Mondays continue to be theatre day, but I don't even wanna go to practise. Am I getting sick?

Acting just doesn't do the job anymore. It's not a drug anymore, and I'm fucking sad about that. It used to be the best thing in the world for me, it was pure freedom. The drug is gone and I had to find a new one.

I found a drug in writing, and that's what I'm doing for many hours a day. I forget about the outer world, I live in a fantasy world. And yes, I've become really, really addicted. I think about it all day. One of the first things I think of when I wake up is what I'm going to write, and when I come home from being away my fingers itch because I want to be on my computer.

My Master Thesis, lol. It's there and I've worked on it, but fucking hell.

It's hard to think of the future. I live in the moment so hard, that I almost forget that I have lots of things to plan and look forward to, but I can't. The future is just not there. I just want to wake up, write, live in a world that is not real, and then go to sleep again.

I am lost. Yes, I truly am. I don't know why I'm living anymore. Acting lost its spark, the vurnability of all living is hauting me, I'm stuck with my play and think it's shit, I hate planning a future, though I look forward a new puppy very very much.

But I guess this is life, in all its glory.