Broken down boys

There's no lie in the fact that I love certain characters. Broken characters. Imaginary guys and gals bearing burdens and pain.

As a child I got attracted to these kind of boys, boys that showed weakness in some way when trying to be strong. Most notably Peter Pan from the 2003 movie, where he gave up and was ready to die. Like porn for my 9-year old brain. I love seeing characters bruised and almost killed. It gives me kicks.

The thing is that boys and men "are not supposed" to show weakness, so when a boy/man does it, aaah, it's soo satisfying. In real life, not so much, but on an imanginary level, heck yeah.

I've marathoned through an animated Netflix series called Voltron aaand I have fallen in love with one of the characters. Guess twice what kind of guy he is?

The closed up young adult with anger and trust issues, but secretly needs a hug and a father/mother figure in his life, but wont tell anyone bc he's scared. YEAH! Sign me up. It's been a while since I encountered a broken boy through a series, and I... LOVE IT

I dunno, maybe it's because I can relate with the not showing feelings thing. I remember when I was like eleven and cried in school, and eventually everyone found out and they wanted to protect me of some sort. It was embarrassing. And when I got into puberty, I tried to hide my tears, but sometimes it was difficult. But then nobody cared. When being comforted before, it felt like the uttermost violation on my feelings when everyone stares at you with cold eyes.

While I hated other people knowing I was broken I got kicks out of seeing myself cry. I'd stare at myself in the mirror, with tears streaming down my face. I still do that. Everytime I cry, I lock myself inside the toilet and stare at myself. Stare at the misery.

 If I'd been born as a guy, I'd probably be pretty much the same as I am now. Hiding everything, not telling anyone.

And then again people are talking about removing the stigma and stuff, but, nah. I don't think I ever can remove the stigma from myself. Like I'm voluntarily suffering. Yeah. Fuck.