"I want to jump!" - The Story, part 1

The story of my madness. 

I graduated upper secondary school in 2014, and got accepted into university the same year. I was beyond happy. But also lost. So, so lost.

I had broken up with ALL of my friends from upper secondary school. The person I had been in love with rejected me. My best friend from secondary school moved to a town 500km from Helsinki, where I was studying. So I had to gain a completely new social circle.

One of the girls in my new group of friends ask me to come with her to this student organization, and I, who was desperate for new friends and potential lovers, followed her and joined this organization. At first, it was very fun. I got drunk everytime I was there, and everything is more fun when you're drunk, ey?

In November, I got a request if I would like to join the board for this organization of 2015, as a secretary. I agreed on that. To be one board member was the coolest thing in ay organization, and it could lead to an automatic rise in popularity. I had never been popular in my whole life, and I sought the opportunity. Three meetings per month doesn't seem too much?

It turned out it was too much.

I realized already in February 2015 that this was not fun. The pace was hectic, and we had to deal with a lot of things I didn't know of. I soon never said anything at the board meetings. I was silent, all the time. It started to taste sour.

I had by that time two jobs at different drama clubs in different towns, I was taking singing lessons, I had a horse I wanted to be with 7 days per week, I had found my boyfriend who lived in a third town, with whom I wanted to spend time with, and I didn't even live in Helsinki by this time. And oh, I tried to study also.

I soon realized that I don't come along too good with some of the board members. And soon enough, before the summer, every dream of new experiences and fun I've ever had, had turned into ash. I hated being a board member. But the stigma of quitting being a board member is huge. This is supposed to be the best thing you've ever done, why the fuck would you quit? Everyone else did study and work too at the same time, and I thought that I was just stupid.

But I did notice when the anxiety rose.

After the summer of 2015, my anxiety had already taken the best of me. I had to stop taking singing lessons, because there was no time. I felt guilty all the time for not taking a good care of my horse. I dreaded every meeting, and as soon as the meetings were over I ran away. It's no exaggaration. Even without saying good bye I ran away.

I stopped attending parties. I hated partying by that time, because it gave me too much anxiety.

I hated being a board member from the bottom of my heart. I didn't say anything during the meetings, and no one asked my opinion ever. As if I was air.

One boss changed as their mandate was ending and the successor took the organization waaay too seriously. It was a fucking student organization, not the government!! But he didn't seem to see the difference.

I cheated my way through school. I was too tired and sad to focus on studying. I regret cheating, because that whole year of studying was such a waste. I didn't learn anything, as I couldn't concentrate at the lessons. But I blame all this. I was too depressed to care about school at this time.

The year changed into 2016 and a new board was formed. I saw a light in the end of the tunnel. But as a secretary, I had to finish off the protocols. And it was hell. Pure hell, and I'm not exaggarating. It took me almost the whole of January to finish them off, and that was with tears every evening. I cried every day in January. I truly suffered during this time.

And when I proudly (exhaustedly) presented all 40 protocol, and one member of my board looked at me and said:

"But I haven't read them yet. Why did you finish them without me reading them. They're supposed to be finished in February."

I thought I would break down and cry that instant. Everything had to be changed. She walked around as a dictator, and I changed everything, as if I was writing for the government. I cried every day in February. I was so tired and exhausted, and I just wanted to run away from everything.

Yes.... Run away... And so that one feeling came to me. The feeling of wanting to kill oneself.

All of a sudden had I a chance to stop doing this. If I killed myself I wouldn't need to finish the protocol hell. But I didn't want to die, I just wanted to end this suffering. I figured out that I wouldn't have to die, if I tried to kill myself, but failed on purpose and I would have to be assigned to a mental institution, they'd probably find another one to finish the protocols.

I spent many hours thinking about dying. And one day, when I was working on the protocol hell, I snapped. We live on the third floor, and the window can be opened big enough for me to squeeze through. So I planned to do so. I looked down from the window, thinking that I will jump. Today. I want to die now, or injury myself to the state of hospitalization. I can't live with this burden anymore. I must fail everyone, because I can never succeed. Not with this hell.

My boyfriend was at home. He took me in his arms and hugged me the whole evening while I cried hysterically, screaming something about jumping out of the window. (I cried while writing this part, it still hurts my soul to think about how desperate and unhappy I was).

We have never spoken about that incident since.

But I made it! I got the protocol hell finished. You can't ever imagine what hell it was to be part of this board and doing those protocols. And swore I would never join another board ever again.

This was in 2016 and my suffering ended in February 2018. There's more to this unhappy tale. Tomorrow you may read the rest.

Okay, I changed my mind. This is a Part 1. There will be another part 2 out tomorrow night.