"I want to jump!"- The Story, part 4 (final part)

To end this journey of madness I have to finish it off.

It's now four years since I was a part of the board. And those times still sit with me. In a bad way.

I can't party, still. Ever since starting on the board have I've gotten anxiety from partying, where I usually go home about 23-ish (11 pm). If I leave at 01 I've reaally streched myself. Before I lived in Helsinki, partying would give enormous panic, now it only gives anxiety and to some extend a dose of depression.

I what's not that bad anymore but was a huge problem was me being constantly stressed about being in places. I could, before going to bed, not feeling like being aloud to go to sleep, because I "should be somewhere else". This was actually annoying and damaging.

I can't go into the organizations common room. I tried in October, and now, after all these years, it gives me immediate depression.

So. Do I regret?

Yes. And no.

No, because I still had some cool experiences.

Yes, because it damaged me to the core. It almost killed me. I've felt so much hate and anger because of this. And most anger has been towards myself. "I'm an idiot that can't do it". "Everything is my fault". "I hate this/ I hate myself".

I hate the stigma for quitting a board, or quitting anything, really, when it comes to voluntary student assossiations. "Because it's so FUN!!!!!" Haha, my ass. Yes, it's fun to get drunk until you black out, maybe, but, NO! Sacrifricing half your life for work you do for free IS NOT WORTH IT!

I am tempted to write me out of the whole organization, but can't because my flat is tied to it. I just don't want anything to do with it anymore. I get tired as soon as I hear or see any members of it. Not that the ones I used to hang out with are there anymore. They've all graduated already.

What's left is new, naive, happy "yellow beaks" (new students) all eager to work for free. I pity them. And feel nostalgic at the same time, because I was just the same. It just didn't work for me.




My biggest issue right now is the bitterness. Have you ever felt bitter? Awful feeling, really, worse than hate.

I'm bitter at people loving their student assossiations and organizations. How people join board after board and love it. I'm envy and jealous at the same time at them. But mostly bitter. This bitterness has caused fights between my and my fiancé, while he was still active in his student assossiation board. I hated his board, because I had hated mine. I didn't understand why I was so angry at him all the time, back then. I didn't understand why I got huge anxiety everytime he had a meeting. I didn't understand why I made us cry over this issue.

Now I know. Because I projected my own feelings of my own experience on someone elses. We have fixed the issue. But I feel awful.

I still fight with the bitterness. And I feel like an awful Disney-villain.

"If I can't have a nice student life, then no one else can."

End of the story.