Prepared for depression

I had a visit from my old friend anxiety. I have not missed her. I have not missed being tense for hours, being frightned of nothing, feeling guilty, fearing panic attacks (which I've dodged), I have not missed being silent.

I don't know how I feel towards the weekend. It's the Year Ball, at the organization that almost drove me to insanity and death  and I, for the last time, will attend it. This will be the last time I associate with the assosiation, and the Year Ball will thus mark a farewell.

I'm prepared for depression, as it seems like the way my mind reacts to that place. I don't think I'll be anxious, just really, really sad and empty. I won't attend the After Party, no, not at all. Because THAT will increase the depression, I know it.

The Sillis the following day, a kind of day-after-party, where everyone drink in the morning and being all loud, is something I won't attend either. One might ask, why? The Sillis is usually the best part of the Year Ball.

Because I don't want to succumb to depression. I will only attend the Year Ball, no Pre-Party, no After Party, no Sillis. The two times I've been to the Year Ball, the After Party and Sillis has punched me in the guts.

We do not like you.

Never again.

I wish I could give farewell to this organization some other way. But I have to do this. I have to give it a real goodbye, and then sever the ties. I have to forgive the organization for the pain I felt, for the way my mind handled their businesses. I, mostly, need to accept my mental state, and realize I can't stay in that place without feeling more depressed than ever.

I wish I hadn't become suicidal bc of this organization. 

I wish I could've been normal. 

I hope I can forgive them. And myself.