Spring

Most people connect spring to happy feelings, and light and a feeling of freedom or whatever, but do people ever talk about the anxious feeling of emptiness that comes with spring.

It's has nothing to do with the season or the weather, but with the feeling of the life as you know it coming

to an end.

All my life I've felt this small axiety as sun has risen and the weather gets warmer, when the summer is behind the corner and everyone is making plans and dream of warm nights and bonfires and whatnot.

Because something always ends with summer beginning. School ends, and with that, a chapter of my life ends. As a child, I was thinking something along the lines of:

"After this I won't be a fifth grader anymore"

"And now, I will graduate high school, and never attend this school again"

and so on and so on.

But except this inevitable fact I've been scared of summer feirie because I've known I'll be alone. I've known that I wont meet any friends. Friends didn't want to meet me during summer. No one asked. I didn't ask either

And the greatest anxiety of them all.

Will my friends still be friends with me after the summer? Most of the times they were. But in upper secondary school they were different to me after the summer. Like they had made a plan. "Let's destroy her".

So... it's spring now. Weirdly enough, I don't really feel the same anxiety as before. Yes, my work is coming to an end. I would have the chance to continue, but I've decided to finish my studies. I am okay with my life changing right now. That is also weird!

This was a messy post. Sorry. I'll probably write another post with the same topic sometime later and focus on my creative process during spring